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"afraid to get yelled at" STFU! Teach her some EFFing manners!

LaMareOssa's picture

So, I did not realize that I haven't blogged since May! I've been lurking around though Smile A bit of an update.

As most of you may remember, DH got sole custody of SD12 back in 2012. Her BM is not involved at all. No visits and rarely a phone call. Bm's choice. SD12 is now in Jr High 7th grade. SD has never had real homework. Even when she lived with BM, she never had homework. Since 2012, SD12 has brought home two assignments, both science projects. Now that she is in 7th grade, she has had hours of homework every single night since school started on Sept 3rd. Not just something like "oh, I need to finish this" Or "Just a little bit of math." No, this homework takes up HOURS. From 3:30 until dinner at 6, she is in her room, at her desk with books and papers. After she eats, she usually is back in her room with homework. Sometimes until 10 PM.

She has never asked for help from me while DH is at work. This is normal, since SD refuses to speak to me, unless absolutely necessary. Because as we all know, Stepmothers are evil and therefore must be avoided at all costs. Which is fine by me, I have mostly disengaged.

These couple of weeks have been tough. DD8 and BS5 haven't had any time with their dad because DH is always so busy helping SD with her homework. DH and I talked about it and he said that SD isn't using her time very wisely and seems to not be paying attention in class and that is why it's taking her so long to finish homework. I told him that if she needs help, I can help while he is at work. DH said that he isn't going to put up with her not paying attention in class and that she must bring up her grades. I told him that he needs to make sure that he isn't giving her the answers to her homework because that isn't helping SD. This was about a week or so ago.

Last night: DH asks SD if shes done with her homework. This was around 7:30ish, maybe 8. SD says no. DH asks why and SD goes on to say that she has a new assignment for Social Studies, but she didn't start it because she needed help and it is due today, Wed. DH said okay, well lets take a look. Blah blah blah. It looked to be about 3 pages, front and back. It said that she must use her book, but also do internet research to find some answers because it's not all in the book. SD said she didn't get it, and doesn't know what to do. DH told her Internet Research! SD just gives him a blank stare and says "Well, what do I type in Google? What do I look for?" That went on for a good 30 minutes of SD acting dumb. AAhhhhhh

SD is wanting DH to give her the answers, tell her what to type and what to write as the answers. It's not that SD actually needed help, because once DH stopped hovering, she did it all on her own. I am so frustrated about it. DH stepped outside and I followed him. I asked him if I could help, and why she is taking hours and hours to pretend like shes working when she isn't and DH snapped and yelled at me saying "You go ask her what the fuck is going on" This put me in a really bad mood instantly and caused an argument.

DH tried to say that SD wont ask me for help because she is afraid Im going to yell at her! WTF? Seriously? Im going to yell at her for asking for help. Riiiight. Stop the blame game and excuses. Somehow during the course of this argument, her lack of manners got brought up. You know how it goes in arguments sometimes, you will start arguing about things that aren't relevant at the moment, but have been festering. I told him that his daughter is ill mannered and rude, that she refuses to ask me for help because she hates me not because shes afraid im going to yell at her. He made me out to be some screaming banshee running around the house screaming and yelling 24/7. Not true. When kids dont listen, then yeah, I raise my voice, but I'm not psycho about it. I told him that if SD thinks that me saying "SD, do your chores, please" is yelling, then DH and his daughter are fucking crazy and delusional just like BM. I told him I don't even speak to SD anymore because she will only give "yes. no. fine" answers. I told him I'm tired of being blamed for shit that isn't my fault. I told DH that it is NOT my fault that SD is rude, ill mannered and has issues. I told him that this is the result of HIS and BM's parenting, or lack there of. SD DOES NOT want to do homework. Simple as that. And if her playing dumb gets daddy to give her the answers, then shes going to play dumb as long as she can.

For 9 years now Ive had to hear "Oh, shes had it so hard. Be the bigger person, youre the adult. Try harder. Do more. Talk to her." BLAH BLAH BLAH

NOOOOOO. I've tried. Talking to her is like trying to have a conversation with a brick wall. SHE. DOES. NOT. WANT. TO. TALK. TO. ME.
SHE. DOES. NOT. LIKE. ME. Not too hard to get it.

DH and his daughter can kiss my ass. I won't put up with being blamed for his lack of parenting for 12 years. I have tried and got shit on for trying to be nice and be helpful. I am done with that bulls"&^

Comments

LaMareOssa's picture

Exactly. It's not college, the professor isn't throwing out an assignment and walking away here. It's 7th grade and the teachers give at LEAST some idea of what to do and what is expected. I don't buy this excuse and I won't put up with it. DH doesn't let "i dont know" slide with our 8 year old daughter or our 5 year old kinder..Why with the 12 year old who is supposed to be more intellectually developed and mature.

HORSE Sh!# with a big dollop of LAZINESS

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Ummm kids these days are way beyond us as far as being computer savvy. I don't buy that horseshit at all. She just wants to monopolize daddy's time. Clearly !!!!

Her excuses are cop outs ~ wtf does she do in her room after school until your DH comes home. Maybe have her do her homework out in the common areas ~ do you think her guilt of not trying has to do with her saying you would yell at her. Meaning because she doesn't use her time wisely ~ she knows you are aware of her lallygaging. Deflection in a sense ~

Teas83's picture

I was thinking the same thing about computers! Kids these days know how to Google stuff. It was such an obvious excuse to get Daddy to help her.

LaMareOssa's picture

YES YES YES. I walk past her room continuously in our small house and she is always either at her bed or at her desk..books open, pencils out, papers everywhere..I HONESTLY thought she was working. I am starting to think she is PRETENDING to work for 4 hours at a time. I can go in there and say "SD, Need help? She will say no. Maybe I need to read her homework myself and make her ass do it, just so our kids have time with DH after work.

LaMareOssa's picture

I asked DH WTF is going on. Why is it taking hours? Seriously. If SD cannot bring herself to ask me for help, or tolerate me helping her, then why can't she call BM? That bitch would love to help. SD can call her uncles, grandparents, aunts, and even DH if she needs help. But she wont, she will sit there and do nothing until daddy gets home. She can even call her friends from class! She wont. She wants daddy to tell her what to write.

LaMareOssa's picture

I don't want to help, because I know it's things that can be done on her own, but should I suck it up, go in her room and go over the homework? Explain what needs to be done and then check back a few times to make sure progress is being made? I don't want our kids being left out and I don't want SD to do nothing until DH gets home.

moeilijk's picture

Well, I think the goal situation would be where DH comes home, has supper, spends 15-20 minutes with SD on homework, 30 minutes with DD & BS, and then 30 minutes of fun family time before the kids go to bed/their rooms - depending on time of day for actual order of events.

So SD needs to be trained to expect homework help for that limited time period and that if her homework isn't FINISHED by the family fun time, then she has to miss out. If she's organized and needs appropriate help (like, a legitimate struggle or has taken an interest in something) then DH should suggest extending homework time that day by 15 minutes. So she gets necessary help and appropriate reward for her schoolwork.

Is DH really willing to stop being involved in DD and BS's life to deal with SD's homework? Wouldn't a tutor be a better solution?

LaMareOssa's picture

A tutor would of course be much easier, however tutors = $$$ and I don't see DH spending $$$ on a tutor that is really *NOT* needed. And yeah, DH is missing out on fun time with our smaller ones because he wants his daughter to do well. At what cost though? Thats his decision to make.

moeilijk's picture

So a tutor isn't needed, but hours of DH's time is? How can he decide for all his kids and his partner that they don't need him, only SD does? I'd be angry.

Rose.Colored.Glasses's picture

Yup the helpless act. MY SD6 does this and I see who brought her to be this way. When BM picks up SD, she still puts her coat and shoes on for her. There are other examples, but you get the picture. These kids learn to be this way.

Last time SD asked one of us to do something ridiculous for her that she could plainly do herself, I asked her if she needs her diaper changed too. The first time I said this, she said "my mommy puts night time pullups on me because sometimes I poop my pants". FYI: She has never done that at our house. BM's a dumb, coddling biotch.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Whatever it takes, get her train back on its tracks NOW. My Sd is now fifteen. She pulled some stuff in 7th grade but got good report cards, maybe one or two "cs" which her dad didn't like but wasn't worried about.

In 8th grade her report cards weren't as good but no alarm bells for dad.

In 9th grade, she's pulling yet more stuff, this time the first semester report card is 2.1 Now dad is NOT happy. Fireworks. Fireworks, yes, but not any actual follow through. So ChiefGrownup was the only one not surprised when her 2nd semester report was all Ds and Fs.

Now she is a fifteen year old sophomore and on the brink total disaster. Her grades in all classes as we near the end of the first quarter all Ds and Fs. More Fs than last year even. She's using up tardies and absences at a rate that will make her an official dropout by the end of the year. She's in her room for hours and days at a time working on her homework. Yet somehow it never gets done, never gets turned in, and she then gets more and more absences and tardies. See, in high school you become sophisticated enough to ditch school at a rate most 7th graders would never dream of.

DH is on a mission FINALLY to halt this downward spiral. He has become a warrior. If he is not successful, I'm guessing Vegas odds on us having a high school dropout, maybe preggers, in the next 2 years are pretty high.

I wish wish wish wish wish he had gotten religion on this when she was 12. Teach her the study habits, get her in the habit of taking pride in her grades, get her feeling positive attention in a healthy way. A 12 year old is so much more malleable than a fifteen year old. Stop this impending train wreck now.

I like moeljik's scenarios best. Surround her with effective consequences and habits and expectations.