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Some TMI- just saying

Ladystark's picture

ok so my new guy took me to new york for our break!

I think it was to soon for a trip like that, with someone new.  1) I am not a huge crowd person 2) im not a huge travel person 3) i missed my kids 4) there is this air you try to keep with a new relationship, so its hard to be mean/ upset infrontof someone you are still getting used to.


One  ihad some anxiety over the subway system- and we were trying to go to our room- well we ended up going the wrong way on the subway so we were trapped under ground what felt like hours (i think i got a little smothering effect) so once we were headed the right way- he felt better- i felt like crying but was trying to hold it in- he takes a pic of us then sends it to a friend- ugh  he had no idea i was upset but geezus i had to look upset!

We get back to room start settling in and he is kind of touching me making romantic suggestions- and i started balling- there was no way i was wanting sex. I cried because i had to tell him so he'd stop advancing and he obviously was not getting my mood, even though i was staying away from him- im a terrible confrontational person.

we got passed that- he let me have my moment- then he makes this comment - "i guess YOU should not have picked new york."  i let it go but that irritated me.

Months back when were getting to know each other - we got on the subject of traveling- i told him im not a big traveler i have no real need to go anywhere.  then he asked me what if anything id like to see- I said the beetle house bar in new york would be cool (because they advertised it as kind of big and they have people that dress up like characters, and fun drinks- it was not all that great, it was super tiny, and we got there to early for characters- and one specialty drink was 14 dollars! i mean i new they were going to be pricey but not close to 20 bucks!)

then I told him if we were still talking we could look towards christmas- no kids- it be a nice distraction to get together- Not that we have to go to new york- just get together. well as we got closer to christmas he gets serious about booking new york, i figured ok maybe like 2-3 days then do whatever then meet back up for new years- he books 4 DAYS- i mean thats a little much... im still having some trouble speaking up for myself so i did not really fight it.

anyway, i kind of put it out there but i in NO way said thats what i wanted to do, or demanded it! So he says this not once but over the course of three days- once when we got into time square it was so crowded and crazy- he is like almost 7' tall,  im only 5', so for me it kind of suffocating in crowds and i kept trying to tell him i did not want to walk though the crowd, more like the sides, he would just walk through i felt like a kid trying to keep up, kind of annoying. so i said "geez i hate all these people, i cant deal with this crowd"  he is like "well you should not have picked new york then."  again he says this!!  im getting so annoyed. the third day, i said something about definitly not a city person(as we were talking about living there and having to lock up everything and the bums, and parking), and he says again YOU should not have picked new york .... I ended up yelling at him, i started off trying to say it nicely that i did not entirely "pick" new york... then he gets all yes you did, so i yelled at him that i said you asked me blah blah, and i said i would not mind seeing blah blah.  errrr... then he is all "oh...yeah i see." "your right it was more in the begining"

The other thing was just all the sex jokes and references---ugh--- he was not doing it in a douchy mean way, and its not entierly his fault that im not wanting it-  From my ex he got in this place where he would piss me off then make a sexual comment- if i bit- it was like yeah sex- or he would just say stuff to me basically letting me know "WE are having sex tonight."  i mean to the point i did not want to hear a sexual joke or reference- and i could not respond- I like a good funny sex joke but if i responded then it meant sexy time for my ex- it got even worse for me when i became sick- i was so dry and had no sex drive at all and he was so nasty and mean about it.

I know: not this guys fault- and new guy comes from a place where he thought sex was just over for him- his ex was mean to him and made fun of him that he could not get it up! so with me he is excited- he is horny- i get it, but i cant handle all the sex jokes- my boundries are all messed up.  like the third day we had walked so much, i was so tired, and i voiced that i was tired, but he still made refrences, and tried rubbing on me- and talking about it that i kind of snapped on him-  then he said sorry and backed off.  but then we had to get in to the whole convo, because he is like is it me?   So i was telling him all the jokes, and all the sex talk turns HIM on , i get it he is excited, but im not there yet, and all the sex talk turns me OFF.  he says he understands- but he does not, not really. Cause when we got back and off the train all i wanted to do was nap- and guess what? i had to put out so i could nap! 

Yes we did have sex a few times, so do not think i was just holding out/ i do like sex, after i got sick i dont know im just not into like i was before i got sick-i guess to give you an example of his weirdness a bit- we would be like walking around the city, trying to find a site and he would randomly be like "i cant wait to get back to do you"  or we would be trying out a new drink and i make a comment like yum or oh this is good and he would be like "it does not taste as good as you"  ugh gag... really man?!

So that stuff really turned me off.

then he became super heavy about New years eve.  Im just not in the same place as him. he is like ALL in this relationship, but i have so much going on and the divorce is just getting started!!  i have my first official court date for the divorce at the end of the month.  So i ended up leaving new years eve, not on bad terms, i know he was sad, but i wanted to get back with my friend get settled, and get ready for work. if i had left new yearsday from his house it have to be early, so no drinking(not that i did anyway), i asked him to come to my friends house he said no.  Also, I was over having sex, and he was not getting it.  Im getting there but he likes to go down on me and its ok for a bit, but after awhile my brain starts wandering im not focused on it anymore, and i try to switch up or change up but because he is so big and tall, i cant move him!!    I get it all women should be so happy about a man that wants to go down- but i dont know its ok for a little bit, but im just not into it for long periods of time.

oh and kissing- im not big on kissing- i know i know im a werido- but i dont mind like closed mouth kisses and them being short.  well i made the mistake of letting him french me in new york, ugh he is horrible, but of course he liked it and now wants to do it ALL the time- its like umm...  a bulldog licking your face!!  ugh  

It was not all bad, we only had a few arugments... over all not a bad time.  I mean we have a lot in common lots to talk about, i did not feel alone on the trip.  I just need to work on a few things, I also have to have a serious slow down relationship talk.  cause I think he really wanted to have this like epic NEW years eve kiss/ night...god it was so heavy, im just not there...also i think he wanted to flash it on his insta gram, like eff you EX new year with new girl...

i think i did the right thing leaving, he pouted, and he was sad when i video called him at midnight, cause my girlfriended setup karaoke for the kids and he could see i was having fun.... but we still had a new years moment, not what he wanted, but it was good for me- i mean if i had stayed i think it would have given him the wrong message, since he had this picture in his head. Plus, i would have been super irritated rushing back home to get ready for work.

I do need to have a serious talk with him soon though. I dont know how i will be once the divorce really takes off, and i dont think im ready to deal with someone elses expectations just yet!  plus, i still need alot of work in communication. 

anyway alot of ups, i guess there had to be a few downs. lol 




futurobrillante99's picture

I'm sorry you felt so much pressure and felt like your date was not in tune with you.

Even if you consider your past experiences, this guy is waving some red flags. He's not paying attention to you and he's not reading you well.

I think you are onto something about him having this "script" of how the weekend was going to go and how he was going to post it online and make someone jealous. If that was his plan, he's using you and doesn't really care about you.

He pushed your boundaries and blamed you for choosing NYC.

All of these things would be loud alarm bells in my head. I know I'm not ready to start dating and I've been apart from my XH2 for over 6 months. I know I am jaded and cynical -  untrusting.

But, even with all that accounted for and set aside, you have some bright red flags to consider.

Ladystark's picture

yes i hear ya!!   thats why i need to really talk to him.... he did his divorce he is ready to move on and dive in, im just not there yet, and what makes it worse is he really is a nice guy! he is stuck in someof his own ways though, i mean even though he was married, he still kind of did what he wanted to do. (i mean no kids, and his ex didnt give two craps about his interests) i think he needs to work on some of his own boundries, also  his ex kind of ignored him- so sometimes he is like a kid trying to get attention lol  i have kids who want attention all the time do not need a third one, but he has no idea he is doing it!!!  

futurobrillante99's picture

Yeah, talk to him. But please pay attention to his reactions. A healthy person will try to see your POV and won't say nasty or manipulative things about what you say you need.  A healthy person will respect that you need to slow things down and won't push you to keep things at the current pace. A healthy person will also not act like they understand, but then passive aggressively pressure you to meet THEIR needs.

Thumper's picture

Yeahhh tmi

Why did you go when you thought you shouldnt?


Ladystark's picture

I felt like that after the trip- I thought the trip would be a nice distraction since its my first christmas with NO kids. I mean if i had stayed home id be around my friend and her kids- kind of sad.

when we talked about it- he said over christmas i thought he meant like monday- tuesday- come back wednesday- then he tells me he booked the room and train tickets and how long!!  alittle late to voice i only thought it was going to be 2 days- that was my fault  with the not speaking up.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I can't put all the blame on this guy. You didnt say no to the trip. You didn't balk at it being 4 days. You didn't express any issues until you were at boiling point. As you said, this is a new relationship, and he probably didn't realize *that* was you being uncomfortable.

I think, as women, we sometimes expect others to just know what is going on in our heads. We expect people to pick up on our body language. We expect people to just *get* us. That isn't fair to others or to ourselves.

I don't know that this guy did anything *wrong* so much as he did things wrong for you. You can chalk it up to poor communication or mismatched personalities, or both. Personally, I wouldn't be opposed to how he acted.

I think you have realized something important about yourself that you'll need to address as you get back out there in the dating field.

Ladystark's picture

yes, it has me thinking alot. i was not really writing this to put blame on him- he is like a giant teddy bear of a guy!! 

I think the trip just kind of hit home with i still have alot of work to do.  Also we have only spent weekends together sooo this was a long amount of time, and probably a little to soon!! lol

bananaseedo's picture

I agree here.  In the beginning most couples are really into a lot of sex talk, flirting, spending time, etc.  Reality seems to me you aren't that into that guy- and as you said, you aren't ready to jump into anything.  You're not even finished w/the divorce.

If you ask me? This is the time for VERY casual relationships and fun and that's IT for a while lol- been there done that, loved that time of my life.  No strings.

tog redux's picture

OMG, New Guy needs the boot.

If DH had said to me early on in dating something like, "Well, you shouldn't have picked New York," we wouldn't be married. The proper answer would be, "Oh no, I'm sorry you aren't having fun, I thought you wanted to come here because of the things you said, but if you don't enjoy it, let's go home."

Bye-bye, New Guy.

Thumper's picture

At least you see you jumped in a little to quick.

Dont be so hard on yourself. It happens. Glad your not blaming him...sounds like you have spent adult time together prior to the trip, so......The trip was a Utt,,Oh,,,moment for you. Do you know what I mean.

(listen to that ut oh voice lol)







Step-girlfriend's picture

This reminds me of my dating days. I felt like I was usually the one not quite ready to jump in for some reason...mostly because it's hard to find someone you really connect with, and I've learned the hard way that a month or so into it you start to see things that won't work for you. I would never say we were "in a relationship" until months had passed and I was sure they weren't going to do something that was a complete turn-off. So I stayed single because it never worked out for one reason or another. Your post reminds me of the feelings I would have...of tentatively liking someone, but wanting to take it slow...and then they get pushy about things and it would turn me off to the point of no return. Rinse, repeat. The second it felt like pressure I was gone. And then of course the ones I really liked would not be as into it as I was, because dating is an evil b*tch.

My SO was the first person in years and years of being single that I was so into that when he asked me to be his gf after 3 weeks I didn't turn and run the other way. (Yes he really asked, and I was 38 at the time, lol). I still told him no, but changed my mind a few weeks later. It's this fine balance of too much too soon. I'm not sure I would have loved your SO's constant sex comments either. Maybe if you were more ready to jump in it wouldn't have been as big of a deal, but the fact that you felt pressured changes everything.

Curious, how into him are you really? If you are being completely honest...are you excited about him? Real potential for a future?

Ladystark's picture

well to be honest in the looks department not my normal type- he is taller than i go for (i had a friend that was 6'3 and he would constantly elbow me in the head) so i tend to date guys in the 5' range.  oh and he is bald which i dont normally go for- not that he is ugly- he is just more ya he is cute.  but what turned me on was all the stuff we had in common- the fact that he got my jokes and i got his! it was the little things i did not get from my ex that kind of got me.   I dont think he has had sex  for like a full year- so i get his excitment but i just was not ready for a trip that was focused on sex-  anyway he is upset- posting in my next

DPW's picture

After reading your entire blog, I feel that you're simply just not ready for dating with intent. Am I wrong?

Ladystark's picture

no im not- i made that clear in the beginning- and we only see each other on the weekends- he lives an hour= almost and hour and a half with traffic. i liked that it was nice with the distance - but he became all in really fast- not that im looking or dating other people- but i wanted some ME time too, and he was trying to book all my no kid weekends!  its like dude i know we have not seen each other but maybe you could come this way, or on the weekend with my son- if my friend could watch my son we could do a movie or dinner- but he wanted me up there for the physical contact of course- thats what it was turning into- i dont wanna go your way cause i cant spent the night...