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Well this is probably about to blow up part 4

Jcksjj's picture

As some of you predicted, last second the inlaws supposedly both have to work and can't go to YDS first birthday. Instead, they wanted to come up - wait for it - a few days later when SD would be there. And when they would normally have the bday party that MIL insists on throwing SD every year (4th of july weekend). 

I told DH to tell them we cant that day, and offered another (SD free) day. They pushed back on it a little and eventually ran out of excuses and are supposedly coming up for supper in 2 weeks. We'll see I guess. I'm betting that will get cancelled too. Hopefully.

DH at first got angry at me for not just catering to them and claimed hes being told to "cut off his whole family." Um, we invited them to the party, and offered to alternative dates they can come up. If it cant only ever be on their terms, then they're cutting themselves off.

Comments

UpgradeWife's picture

cut them out of your life. They don't care about your bio. You need to protect your bio from them.

SubstituteMommy's picture

I agree with this. I have nothing to do with my SO's parents and I wouldn't have it any other way.

UpgradeWife's picture

Same. Monster-in-Law rarely shows any interest in my bios which are DH's bios but she's up SS's butt. I hate her for it. She also disrespected me in own home. I hate her for that, too. 

Iamwoman's picture

I also would be hesitant to allow my child around adults who resent her existence.

For this first birthday, I say, keep the plans in place and allow in-laws to be the ones to screw it up, just so your DH can see for himself (since he is apparently blind).

After this, it sounds like DH needs counseling. His baseless accusations towards you are extremely unhealthy.

If he won't go alone, then you can set up "couples" counseling and privately give the counselor a heads up before your appointment as to the actual reason.

Jcksjj's picture

I want to cut them out. DH isn't ready to. I told him last night that I wanted to tell them they can come on a date that SD isnt there to see if they will bother. And if they dont I wont be helping to foster any relationship between them and my kids. He tried to avoid doing it, saw the result and now hes all depressed because hes realizing his dad (who he thought was wonderful) maybe isnt that much better than his mom.

justmakingthebest's picture

I often wonder in situations like yours (It isn't the 1st time we have read that in-laws don't accept the children of the 2nd marriage and strongly favor only the 1st marriage children), why the husbands allow the behavior to ever happen. I know that if my parents acted like this, they would be cut out. DH would have done the same. Hell, even though it isn't always popular opinion, we have the stance that all the children in our home will be treated equally. Thankfully, our families are like that anyway and we have never even had to mention anything to anyone. 

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I often wonder then same thing.  My MIL has never met my 2 DDs with DH.  She made a comment to my DH that she didn't have time for new grandkids and would only accept the SDs so he cut her out of his life completely.  We don't speak to her at all.  He told her that if she can't accept his entire family then she isn't welcome.

 

Of course she still sees SDs through crazy BM.  But at least I don't have to deal with her.

justmakingthebest's picture

Doesn't have enough time for more grandkids?? What kind of twisted s*** is that?? 

I am so glad your DH didn't tolerate that nonsense. 

SubstituteMommy's picture

Your DH is awesome! That is exactly how it should be! My SO cut his parents out of his life years ago when he realized how toxic and hateful they are. It's nice to be with someone who doesn't tolerate non-sense out of a feeling of obligation to people who don't even deserve any love or respect.

halo1998's picture

MIL and FIL never have time for DH. He is the blacksheep of the family aka...he up and left podoke junction and won't let MIL run his life.   Consequently, they don't see the grandkids all the much and MIL/FIL irritate the bejezus out DH.  They cut him out of the will.. which is just humerous since they literally have nothing due to FIL's drinking and gambling habits.  

Due to DH's dysfunctional family (his brother is a drug addict as well) DH has become very good at terminating toxic relationships.  One reason I think SS's nopeing out of his life was not an tramatic as people would think.

Jcksjj's picture

I hope my DH becomes good at that someday. He's basically cut out SIL, but hes holding out on his parents because hes still convinced his dad is a good guy. 

thiscantbenormal's picture

Dh cut off his father's side of the family except for a couple of cousins. I wish he would do the same on his mother's side. Both sides have lot of guilt manipulation, drug use, and cover ups for shady activity but lots of passive aggressiveness on his mom's side.  

GMIL told him he shouldn't of had more children (our daughter) so the first family kids could be there instead. And MIL had made unsupportive comments when we talked about having a planned child together.  A family member told me that MIL/GMIL are just ignorant and say stupid things without knowing they are hurting someone else.  I call bull on the last part. Their digs are on purpose.  DH does the whole gotta forgive family thing. 

It never crossed my mind to invite them to our daughter's first birthday. They make zero effort to see her.  And I've had enough of their passive aggressive comments so I see them less.

Jcksjj's picture

The excuses people make for family members like this are ridiculous. You start learning in kindergarten how to be nice to others, give me a break that they "dont know any better." They do it because they think they can, end of story.

SubstituteMommy's picture

This is exactly what it is. People will act however they want towards you as long as you allow it.

Jcksjj's picture

Yep. But it's hard when theres so many "but they're familyyy" or even worse "be the bigger person" people.