DH needs to pick a side
Probably not gonna leave this up for long, as I'd rather say this to DH than have him read it on here. But I want to get my thoughts fully worked out and some feedback.
DH needs to pick a team and fully commit. No more of this wishy washy back and forth. Either he's going to be fully committed to the family we made, or I'm going to have to have my "team" be just me and my kids. I can't handle the anxiety of not knowing if he's going to have the backbone or not to put our family first.
In the inlaws view, being a good person means having the same favorites as them and self sacrificing for those favorites. As well as putting everyone else second to those favorites. Same as BM. We tried hard to instill our values in SD, but she's chosen her moms lifestyle and made it clear she doesn't care about us. She's on their "team" also. In an ideal world, DH could be on both teams. But in this situation he can't, because their ideals hurt us.
DH feels unbearably guilty about this. But really, we're not actually doing anything to any of them. We haven't tried to hurt SD, we didn't kick her out, we aren't the ones refusing to see her. All were doing is sticking up for ourselves and letting them know that certain family members are not above others. And that at times different family members are going to be the priority.
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I agree with you.
I agree with you. Unfortunately, this is the way it must be - and it is not YOUR family's fault.
Thay being said, what are you going to do if he won't pick a side... or doesn't stick to that choice and remains wishy washy?
If he remains wishy washy-
If he remains wishy washy- then it's me looking out for myself and my bios and thats it. He's on his own dealing with all of them.
Lots of guys
Want to appease both parties. Worse yet is where they expect SM to be a doormat and examine HER bios with an electron microscope.
He can continue to visit skid outside your home snd learn to take what MIL says with a grain of salt.
Yeah, it's pretty hard to
Yeah, it's pretty hard to appease both sides when one actively wants to hurt the other. I dont want DH to not have his family, I don't want to be mean to SD. BM - well, I'll definitely laugh at her misfortunes. But when their goal is to break up our marriage and they treat my kids poorly - there's not a choice to appease both. MIL even asked DH once if SDs behaviors were causing problems between us and it was clear she was hoping she was.
And if your team is just you
And if your team is just you and your kids, you need to do everything you can to protect them from skid and in-laws. No using your kids when they feel like it or trying to get you to do anything for them. I wouldn't bother with encouraging a relationship btw your kids and in-laws as they are likely to get hurt at some point.
I'm glad I did not have my
I'm glad I did not have my own bios before meeting DH or we'd likely be in a similar situation to you. Many men have trouble with boundaries. This can often be caused because their mothers overstep boundaries. Because this behavior was normalized for them, they often attract women without boundaries who become HCBMs. After coming out of the fog, so to speak, they will often choose more wisely the second time around and marry someone with a good understanding of boundaries, but that doesn't mean the man has learned how to set his own.
If you are someone who not only understands, but values healthy boundaries and tries to avoid dysfunctional behavior, being with someone who can't do the same is enfuriating. It may seem unfair to your DH that he wants you to pick a side, but he essentially has to decide if he's going to choose dysfunction or choose to leave that behind.
This is spot on true and good
This is spot on true and good advice. This was exactly the situation with my DH.
This is exactly what happened
This is exactly what happened. DHs mom has zero boundaries, his sister followed in her footsteps, and DH was trained to be the doormat and put his own needs aside to meet theirs. And now that expectation is also that SD comes before the boys also.
Cutting off toxic in laws
I do believe in cutting off toxic family members in order to preserve a marriage. I think that's the choice you're asking your DH? ? Would he attend counseling with you ? You would need to vet a counselor with ideals like your own though. Some are all about faaaamilky and staying together (not great). The Blatant favoritism towards the step daughter is harmful to both your children and to her. It needs to stop so good for you for taking a stance. Can Your husband have a separate relationship with the in-laws? One that doesn't involve you or the kids and that he isn't allowed to speak to you about? That is the answer for some families.
I am new around here so I apologize if I don't know your background. Your husband has a minor child so I don't think it's fair to say that she isn't allowed in your home unless she is a real threat to your children and yourself. I am unaware if she is violent etc. if she is I think it's totally fair to say hey DH you need to take visitation out of the home. But to tell someone they can't see their minor child I think is inappropriate.
This is coming from someone who has separated households over a violent teen and is raising an (our)toddler alone. I didn't tell my partner he couldn't see his kid I just said it wasn't happening in a home that me and our small son live in.
A short version of why we're
A short version of why we're considering out of the home visits is that SD has a long history of lying for sympathy, attention, or to get material goods. IE - telling her teacher she doesn't have any winter clothes, lots of claiming we don't provide things for her that we have. Last time she was here we found out SIL and BM are both encouraging her to do that and telling her how mean we are and nitpicking to try to find any little thing they can say we're doing wrong. When I set a boundary with SIL regarding her messaging SD at our house she lost her mind and basically implied that we were abusing SD (she has a history of making false abuse claims against her ex husband). So the main purpose is to avoid false abuse claims, the secondary purpose is that SD hates coming to our house (more rules than BMs, plus she has to share attention with other kids). Plus, no she isn't very kind to the other kids. So with meeting up with her in public places it allows DH to still see her but hopefully without any of the drama that none of us should be subjected to.
I get the cps stuff
SS was encouraged by his mom as well. He made false claims to his therapist. Nothing became of it past a phone call to DH. It was awful but we were fine. I had nothing to do with any of it. Hopefully your situation won't come to that. I had a client once that yelled loudly at his totally out of control kid and had a cps call. It can happen in many different ways. I wouldn't worry about things that aren't happening. What I would do :
1) install cameras in all common areas
2) refuse to ever be alone with SD
3) never leave the other kids unsupervised with SD
GL
I am soooooooo grateful
for my own sanity that Chef's ferals PASed out in five years although his situation and ex was (still is) one of the most toxic HCGUBMs on this forum. The PAS tactics on her and her clans part were absolutely at nuclear level. Not unlike JustMakingTheBest's BM and SS16. Fortunately I do not have any disloyal ILs to worry about... they have passed away but all of chefs brothers and sisters have totally taken the BM's side save one...the oldest.
The only other difference being that Chef never put up a fight and let the Girhippo do whatever she wanted to. He then dropped the Rope after the situation was clearly hopeless but tried to blame the situation on me for awhile.
I am also thankful that my BIOS were grown when Chef entered the picture. Although I did get a taste of Chef trying to cast aspersions on my youngest son AKA electron microscope when his own brats were and still are absolutely feral and POS.
In some instances Chef is almost jealous because my kids were parented correctly and are well-behaved, never getting in any trouble.
I'm not sure if it will be
I'm not sure if it will be better or worse when SD is older. If DH is still the way he is now, probably worse because by then SD will be an absolute expert at guilt tripping him
My inlaws are toxic haters.
My inlaws are toxic haters. They were all Team FinallySkidFree when we first met. Fast forward a few years later, DH and I bought a house, moved to the suburbs, and all of a sudden "we forgot where we came from" and "thought we were better than them". Now magically they were TEAM BM 100% and absolutely treated me like crap. DH and I stopped talking to his family for quite a few years. A few years ago, I had a heart-to-heart with him. I didn't want him to have any guilt if/when his mother passes, she's old, so I told him he should try and make peace with her and his family. However, they would never be allowed in our home, his relationship with them had to be on their turf and will never spill over into our lives. And that is the way it has remained. He speaks to his family, visits them occasionally and I have absolutely ZERO to do with them. Our lives have been peaceful and drama-free. SD will be 21 next month, she was PASed out of our lives about 6-7 years ago. Good riddance. We have to do what is best for us and our marriages. If you don't want anything to do with his family, that is your choice, but you should let him have his relationship with them outside your home. It's just better that way. Because in the end, they will always blame us if something happens, it will be our fault that they missed out on a family members life.
If I were you I'd be doing
If I were you I'd be doing the same thing. I may be bioless and don't have any problems with SOs family (everyone hates BM) but, I feel if I was in your shoes enough is enough. Something has to change.
MIL, SIL, BM AND SD are all f'n nuts. It's so unfair to your kids to have to deal with their drama ALL the time.
I dont want them to even be
I dont want them to even be exposed to it, I don't want them desensitized to crazy like DH is.