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JBDmom's picture

I’ve brought it up so many times and even say something about it as he’s saying it to me, but he always defends himself saying he’s just worried about SD being happy when she’s with me. Every time he leaves for work he’ll call me to check on I wish I could say the girls but no it’s just SD and ends the conversation with something like “please be kind to her.” or “be patient with her.” First I have never been mean to her or for the most part impatient. Do I get on to her when she acts up? Of course I do I’m not about to get run over by a 4 year old like my BF does just so her feelings don’t get hurt. I was raised to respect my parents and got disciplined if I didn’t and I grew up with such good and happy memories regardless of not always getting what I wanted and having to follow rules. My BF gives in to every little thing my SD says to him. She will literally cry and scream because she doesn’t want him to leave and she exaggerates how terrible of a time she has when she’s home with me. She’ll tell him I won’t feed her or play with her and that I’m mean to her when really what happened is I didn’t give her the 3rd snack she asked for before lunch, I made her clean her room, and she got in trouble for giving toys to her sister just to snatch them away. I talk to him constantly about how she has good days here but she’s just trying to manipulate him into staying with her. He’ll tell me knows but then will say these things to me every day and tell me about being worried about her all day when she’s home with me. I’m so sick of it. I can’t ask him to find a babysitter because then he gets mad and tells me my only job is to stay home with the kids. I don’t know what to do about it anymore because I don’t deserve to be treated this way just because SD wants to be coddled by daddy every second of the day and he refuses to see that I do love and take care of her better than he actually does himself. 

Comments

beebeel's picture

I can understand how his comments would be annoying, but I can also understand him wanting you to have more patience with his daughter. 

You may be expecting a lot from a 4 year old. I know I had far less patience for my Sks as I do for my own son. But I was never the primary caregiver to my Sks. If you are going to be the one raising her, you don't have to coddle her, but you may want to care about her feelings. Any parent would want that for their child. Your DH probably picks up the same vibe that I'm getting, which is you couldn't care less about her feelings. 

 

ESMOD's picture

I agree here in that there seems to be more focus on what she is doing "not right" vs helping her become a better little person.

Patience and empathy for her.. and showing her affection instead of just discipline is important.  She likely senses your feelings towards her and as a 4yo without a lot of mental maturity or tools to cope.. she is probably internally very frustrated and that in itself is going to add to her inablility to behave correctly.

That being said, there is also the fact that if he is trusting you to care for his child.. then he should be trusting your ability to care for her properly including discipline in the moment and corrections as needed. 

But, if you truly don't feel you have it in you to watch her on this full time basis, maybe it would be better if he found childcare and you returned to work?  Alternatively... if she is 4.. is she in a pre-K program?  She probably would well benefit from one developmentally.. even half days.. and.. she will soon be off to Kindergarten right.. then to 1st grade and you won't be tasked with watching her full time.

It's entirely possible that there is actually a midpoint between how you care and treat her vs the coddling that her dad gives her...you should both work towards that... you by being more patient with her.. and him by being firmer with boundaries.. for her own good.. it will be better if the adults in her life are giving her similar behavior expectations.

JBDmom's picture

I agree that I definitely have issues I need to work on especially with patience to an extent, but that being said I do so much more than get on to her. I have empathy for her feelings of course but there is a point to where she can’t be allowed to get away with doing mean things just because she throws puppy dog eyes and pushes out her lip and even making herself cry. I want her to be happy and I absolutely love her with all of my heart, but it’s hard to not get upset when she’s purposely doing rude things everyday and expecting to get away with it. I spend my entire day making sure both of my girls are happy and having fun, but I will not be manipulated into giving a 4 year old power over me.

GoingWicked's picture

I think you’re doing way too much work for this kid and her dad.  Get the kid a tablet to keep herself entertained while dad is at work and let her eat whatever cheap junk food she wants.  Just treat her like she’s not your kid, and spending time at grandma’s house.  Then use all this energy you’re wasting on her to focus on your own kids.  Trust me, trying to parent a skid with parents that are disengaged from their own kid doesnt work out well.  

It’s either that or leave your DH, but you have kids with him, and I believe being able to stay at home engaged and involved as long as you can is 100% better than leaving them in daycare, or even worse leaving them with their pathetic father and God knows what new woman he brings in while you try to make it as a single mom.

futurobrillante99's picture

I would ask your BF why he would have a relationship with someone he believes is mean to his child, doesn't feed her and doesn't trust enough to believe is telling truth.

If I was in a relationship with someone I really feared was being mean to or not feeding my child, and I didn't trust their version of events, I would end the relationship.

So, he needs to make up his mind. There is obviously some conflict in him. He must FEEL that you are a good and honest person, but he does NOT want to believe his little darling is a manipulative liar.

The solution here is that he should make alternative arrangements for the care of his child so that she is never left alone with you for you to "abuse." And he really needs to make a decision about whether or not he trusts and believes you. If he doesn't, the relationship should be ended.

Siemprematahari's picture

he’s just worried about SD being happy when she’s with me

^^^^^^^^^^If he's so worried about SD being happy with you than he should consider making other arrangements for her care.

 I can’t ask him to find a babysitter because then he gets mad and tells me my only job is to stay home with the kids.

^^^^^^^^^^ If he's not satisfied with the care SD is getting than he has two options, either deals with it or he doesn't. You're the one with her all day and if its not to his standards he can change it instead of complaining. This is an easy fix but he doesn't want to do the alternative. He can't have it both ways.

Monkeysee's picture

Your BF can’t have it both ways. Leave her in your care 100% of the time, undermine you by having zero boundaries with her, then complain when you get annoyed or upset. Just, no.

He either trusts you to care for his kid or he doesn’t. And I disagree you simply need to have more patience, I think you’d have a lot more patience with her if HE stepped up & actually parented her properly when he was around. SD isn’t the problem here, and I don’t think you are either. 

From what I remember of your posts, your house was flooded & you’re staying with your sister, right? While BF is working away, completely disengaged from his own child, while criticizing everything you do with her? Yeah... that’d test anyone’s patience. The situation sounds like a nightmare.

He needs to sort his sh*t out. Either get her a nanny or be in your corner for once. At 4 she’s old enough to be manipulative & she knows how to play you off her father, clearly. That’s his fault. He needs to be a better parent, and a better partner. You’ve got enough on your plate. 

tog redux's picture

Yup. I'm with you.  OP, f he wants you to watch her every day because it's your "job", then he needs to butt the *eff out.  Yes, you can talk about parenting issues, but ultimately, if he doesn't like the way you care for her then he can find a daycare for her.

Nothing drives me crazier than DH criticizing me for the way I do chores that he isn't willing to do himself (which only happens occasionally).

Can you improve in your care for her? I'm sure you can - no one is perfect. But if he's going to undermine you and coddle her and believe every word she says, then nothing you do to improve will make a difference. 

MommyT's picture

I’m sorry, is this 1955? Your only job is to take care of the kids. Um, no. You need to stand up for yourself. On another note. You do not need to baby sit HIS daughter if she is going to be a pain in the butt. That’s your choice. And if you do, you get to decide how you discipline her. Obviously, you shouldn’t spank or do anything that is not appropriate for a parent to do but telling her to go in time out or telling her not to do something is your job as the baby sitter. 

 

P.S. start charging by the hour! Ugh! Dump the jerk

marblefawn's picture

What exactly is your title there?

Are you a nanny with benefits? A babysitter/maid who's sleeping with the boss?

I'm confused because last time I was a girlfriend, I sure as hell wasn't babysitting anyone's kids or being told what my job is.

Are you crazy? What have you gotten yourself into?

You better wake up and get your ass to work. You have nothing. He has not married you. You have no job, so you have no resume, so you are not gaining any marketable skills or experience, and you sure as hell aren't socking away your savings for a rainy day. You'll probably end up with a bunch of kids of your own before he walks out or this relationship otherwise goes bust, and guess what: when this goes down the tubes, he's probably not going to give you a very good recommendation.

You cannot play 1950s' housewife without the benefit of a marriage license or you are screwing your future. He's got a job. He's earning money. He's building his credit and putting away savings. He's making job contacts and building a career, and what are you doing for your security? You're counting on him and you're not even married.

"But I love him!!!!" you'd surely wail at me right now. Fine. Love him all you want. Even if he marries you and he dies young, you're screwed if all you know how to do is change diapers.

So stop worrying about how to meet his needs (which you never will) because you haven't even met your own. He's not taking care of you. Take care of yourself.

tog redux's picture

This is a very good point. He could walk away from this relationship tomorrow and leave her with nothing, with zero obligation to pay for anything except Child Support for his daughter with her. 

I wouldn't put myself in such a precarious position financially.