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Is is possible for my ss15 to be a miniwife?

hismineandours's picture

I hear so much about girls being miniwives to their dads. What about boys? Now, we havent seen hide nor hair of ss for almost a year-so if he was dh's miniwife they are now divorced-but reading some of these posts and thinking about ss's behavior over the years-I really think that he was trying to fill this role as well.

Now he didnt sit on dh's lap or try to hold his hand, but even up to last year if we went out to eat he'd always try and manipulate things so that he was the one to sit next to dh. We went out to eat often so this was something I saw over and over again. Just last year, if dh and I would go out to our porch to talk ss15 would follow us. Which I definitely thought was strange as this kid NEVER, and I mean literally not at all, spoke to me or showed any interest in having a discussion with me or any interest in being in the same room as me, but sure enough if dh and I left a common area of the home to go out and talk privately, he'd come and just join us. Just sit right down and try to join in our discussion. If it was something that was just completely over his head, he'd just sit there.

About a year ago we went to walmart-it was just the 3 of us. Dh and I were discussing the pros and cons of vaccuums trying to decide which to buy and he acted like a toddler. I mean, literally. He has always been immature for his age, but this was at a new level. He was 14 and trying to climb on shelves, knocking things on the floor, constantly interrrupting us with nonsensical questions or comments-I couldnt even believe he was acting that way-I realize now that it was because dh and I were discussing things together and he was not a part of that.

He was always dropping conversational bits to both ME and my kids about how he had some sort of inside track with dh or they had some sort of shared secrets or something. Most of this was really dumb stuff. Like I'd overhear all the kids talking and ss would say, "Me and Dad dont want to go to Disney" when my kids were talking about how we were planning on going there. Not that I'd even care, but I'd go to dh and ask why he didnt want to go and he'd be like, "huh? I've never even discussed going to disney with ss". "Or dad and I dont like chicken. We only steaks" when of course i know full well that dh likes chicken.

I realize now that all this behavior was him trying to mark his territory. He was always making things up about the other children and tattling on them trying to make dh mad at them-again aligning himself with dh. If dh was scolding one of the other children, my ss would actually try and join in and scold along with him-he did this to my dd15 who is older and worlds more mature than him-he actually interrupted a "lecture" she was getting from dh-to start his own minilecture. This from the kid that got in a trouble on a daily basis. It was almost as if two parents had sat their kid down to discuss a bad behavior together.

I noticed lots of this bizarre behavior as it was occurring but never really thought of it as ss trying to take over my role-but really I guess he was. I know since I didnt really understand what he was doing that dh didnt notice it either. I think I just labeled it under "SS is being an ass"

I wondered if others had experienced this with their stepSONS. Just goes to show that it's not just women or females that may get bitchy when others encroach on their territory.

I think part of the reason I didnt see this for what it was is because I am soooo not jealous or posessive or any of that stuff. It never even occurred to me that I should be jealous or that ss had "one up on me" or whatever because he sat by dh every meal out. Mostly I just found it bizarre and annoying and learned to ignore most of it. However, I also wonder if we had recognized it for what it was we could have nipped it in the bud and perhaps stopped this behavior.


queenofthedamned's picture

I deal with almost the same shit. I say almost because, bizarre as it is, skid1 and I have a pretty decent one-on-one relationship. There are times that I actually enjoy his company, and he mine.

But throw FDH into the mix and the kid becomes an asshole. If we try to have a conversation about adult things, he tries to jump in all over it, or derail it by interrupting with something else and getting mad because FDH won't pay attention to him. If we try to go to another room to talk away from all the big ears, guaranteed skid1 will be knocking on the door within 5 minutes trying to get FDH to come out. It is beyond annoying. FDH does call him out on his shit, but then it becomes "All you do is yell at me!" ugh. And believe me, he rarely raises his voice to the skids. Mostly he just says firmly "We are having an adult discussion. Butt out."

Almost every meltdown skid1 has had has been triggered by FDH wanting to have some time to himself, or with me. And you have to understand, the skids see A LOT more of their dad than I do. I work long hours and am in school 3 nights a week, so they have him all to themselves often. It is beyond weird and annoying, moreso because I know skid1 doesn't hate me (yet).

Onefootout's picture

We have similar SS. Read my blogs and you'll see. SS wants to be SO's wife. SS holds SO's hand, he's always up SO's butt, I call him Velcro Boy. SO has helped me set some boundaries and things have improved a bit, but got a very long way to go. Totally creepy and SO sure isn't going to acknowledge how creepy it is, he thinks of SS16 as a wee wittle boy still.

LetMeKnow's picture

OMG...this is the thread Ive needed most... i'm not seeing advice though, just venting... if I hear "my baby girl" one more time in reference to his older daughters (23-30) I will throw up! It is NOT them trying to be the mini wife its HIM...stepping in and wanting to be the HUBBY in my opinion but will call me jealous etc...NO disgusted is more like it!