SS doesn't speak to me...
I'm just wondering if anyone else is in the same position as me. SS doesn't speak to me when he visits us. He is quite and says nothing to me, not even a hello. He only speaks when I ask him a question. Does this mean something, does BM tell him not to talk to me?
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Exs have influence on children
My ss has not came to our house since we were married.He participated in our wedding and our children had a big part.He seemed great then and we all went camping and had a really good time.Bm is very jealous and she is brainwashing him im sure.He is a mamas boy but i dont understand why he all of a sudden stopped coming over we got along great.So i would not under estimate that bm has a big part in it.
Purdy....
thanks for your thoughts. i'm pretty sure bm has a big part of it, brainwashed this boy. so sad when i think about that. how cruel she can be and how innocent this child is and then gets brainwashed so negatively. i'm pretty sure it's not me, i have 13 nieces and nephews and they love me very much. so ss is the only that has this behavior towards me.
-happy mom
RE:
I know that BM tells SS to stay away from me, not talk to me, etc. So when he walks in the door, I make a point to say hello to him really loud (but not rude, just in that "I'm excited to see you" way). I go out of my way to talk to him and engage him in things I'm doing. I show interest in what he's doing and I never shrug him off if he approaches me. This seems to really have worked. Now, when he needs something he almost always comes to me. He speaks to me more than he talks to his Dad on some visits!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Keep trying ...
I agree with Nymh ... you just have to be the bigger person and go out of your way - not too much - to be nice to SS. Remind him you love him, tell him you are happy to see him, engage him in conversation.
I can't imagine you SMs who have to go through this ... my SS loves me to death and is torn between me and BM - of course he's only 4 ... but he'll come running up to me and say "I love you Trina." But other times he'll say "I don't want you to be my Bonus Mom any more ... I just want you to be my Trina."
But I just remember the old addage ... "kill 'em with kindness."
Good luck - I feel for you ...
~ Katrina
Nymh is right...
Yes, by all means, you have to engage with him, go out of your way, and focus your attention on him at various points during the visit.
Some children are just simply confused or shy and don't necessarily know how or what to expect with a step parent or other adults. It may not necessarily be by BM's doing, but simply that he may not have had all that much exposure other than his parents, being with his parents. If things were different at another point, and all of a sudden things change, sometimes kids react to it when they 'catch' themselves having feelings/emotions about it that may feel like they are taking away from the other parent. Not always the case, and there certainly is the parent alienation for step parents too.
I think you should spend some alone time with him doing creative things that don't require talking. Draw pictures, color, paint etc together. Play charades with him, and you know kids love it if you goof off with them from time to time- let your hair down. This will give him a chance to express himself, and be consistent with it. You don't have to do the same things over and over, but by engaging with him on a regular basis, it will ease the tension and get better.
The other thing is that he may feel that you don't like him. So, he's just staying out of the way.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
To Step Mom...
thanks for your thoughts. they are all possible solutions. i am very uncomfortable talking/engaging w/ss because i feel like he truly hates me deep inside and it just hurt and i don't want to deal with that idea. he doesn't even acknowledge me when he enters our house, no hello at all. no happy birthday, merryxmas, happy mother's day, nothing. i don't know how to get over my feelings because i know it's true. how do you go on pretending like this child likes you?
-happy mom
You have to take small steps...
By all means, you can't just jump in there and expect things to happen instantaneous, but you certainly have to start somewhere, and doing small little things is a start.
Yes, it's difficult to handle a child that just leaks with resentment, but what do you do when you're at work and you have to work with someone you just can't stand? You push that all aside and focus on your task, it's just business right? Look at it this way for the time being. You're doing a business deal, except it has a twist in it, it's with a child to be cordial and respectful of you. He doesn't have to like you, and you don't have to like him, but you certainly have to treat each other with respect regardless.
The other thing is if you can engage with him, putting your feelings aside and only think about him, you may very well be able to dissolve those nasty feelings he has because you're not reinforcing what he sees and believes to be true ie, the evil step mom. Instead, by engaging and showing him a different side of you, he may begin to let his guard down. But you can't expect miracles to happen, and it will be teeth grinding at first, but consistency is the key. You're building a relationship, resetting the boundaries, and establishing a new friendship all at the same time. It will take time, but you can't give up, and go pout because a kid doesn't like you. LOL (I meant that a humorous, by the way.)
You're the adult, he's the child, he has to be reminded of that, so if you have planned an activity to do with him, and if he doesn't want to do something because... you're doing it... that's just too bad. Then I say, just let him just sit there and not participate, but he still has to sit there. You'll find that eventually, they will start to turn around, then watch you, then eventually, they will start to slowly participate in it. It's all just a power struggle.
Hang in there, remember... it's little steps. 1...2...3...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...