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SO and SD fight and they both take it out on me

Katelyn89's picture

Hello.  I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years this summer. He has two children (18&20). 18 year Old SD is a full time college student 3 hours away. 20 year old SS lives with mother and refuses to visit his dad. Mother doesn't work and doesn't make the son work. Lives off child support. SD will visit her dad but seems only when it is convenient or when she is getting something out of it. My boyfriend spoils her constantly buying her whatever she wants gives her money whenever she needs it. Always feels like he "owes" her for the divorce.   The reason why I am here is that when my BF and SD are fighting he will always take it out on me and ignores me when I try to give him advice. Says I don't know how it is to be in his position. SD will bring me into the fights saying that he chooses me over her which is NEVER the case. SD will get upset when him and I go some where's with out her. For example we went on our first "couple" vacation last year and she refused to talk to her dad for 3 months until he planned a vacation for her.  So my questions are: how do I deal with the constant up and down moods from my boyfriend when he's arguing with his daughter? What do I say to SD so she doesn't feel resentment towards me?  Thank you

SteppedOut's picture

Bet SS needs to move in when child support stops because bm kicks him out! Dadddeeee will take him in and skidult will mooch off dad for eternity, just happy his "boy" is "finally home". 

Girl, run. 

ESMOD's picture

1.  You do need to stop throwing yourself on the grenade.  When he and his daughter are fighting.. bite your tongue.. no advice.. you know at this point it will only blow up in your face.

2.  His daughter is 18.. and at school.. I don't think I spent a lot of time with my folks then.. and probably when I wanted something  What he does need to explain to her is that if he chooses to do something with his wife.. that is his business.. and she is an adult now and not a minor child that he has to babysit.  He needs to encourage her to push over to being an adult vs further coddling her and letting her think she gets to call the shots as a child.

Personally, I think you need to disengage from  his daughter.  I don't think you need to tell her anything.. be pleasantly distant with her.. that's it.  With him? when he is in a snit with her.. give him a bit of space.. let him stew in his own juices.. it's not about you.. it's him.


Merry's picture

You don't need to say anything to the daughter. Let him deal with that. Her snit is not your concern, and there is nothing you can say anyway that will lessen her resentment. She resents you because you exist. Although it's not really YOU--it's whomever is with her dad, and that just happens to be you.

Do not let him drag you down the rat hole with him, though, when he takes out his anger on you. Call him on it. If he keeps at it, well, then you have better things to do outside of the house every time it happens. Sounds like a big manbaby pouting when he doesn't get his way. Not your problem, and don't make it your problem. His moodiness is 100% on him, and you might remind him that you are not the convenient punching bag for whenever he's unhappy.

Katelyn89's picture

Thank you everyone for the responses and advice. Update... SD is back to her "normal" self and chatting with me like there's nothing wrong. BM has always been very controlling and manipulative with her and I. Always jealous of what SD has and me. She apologized to me and said her mother was bringing her down and was having a bad day. BM calls her stupid ugly and retard. SD has some mental issues from the abuse of her mother. I try to just stay on the same course as to not do the up and down like the BM. As far as my BF, he also apologized and hates when he gets upset easily. He was at work (he is a police officer in a very bad city) and was stressed out. I am a very patient and understanding person. Not so much as a pushover just don't let things get to me as easily. I just hope someday SD will realize all that I have done for her. I could write a novel for the times I've been there for her school events sports games prom dress shopping when her mother doesn't want to be involved with her daughter. 

Disillusioned's picture

Being in a situation similar to yours, the best advice I ever received actually came from BM. She was aware of the situation of course with OSD and I and BM said to me "you did nothing to cause this situation, you can do nothing to fix it. It's between OSD and DH" 

I think that's true in a lot of these situations