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Mother in law gives no advice...

happy mom's picture

What do I make out of this? So I've been talking to my mil regarding the nasty things that BM is doing. Everytime I share my troubles and frustrations regarding BM, my mil says nothing to me and just agrees and then that's it. She gives me no advice and comments regarding what I just shared w/her. I don't know what to make out of this? Does it mean, she doesn't want to get involve, or maybe she likes BM and doesn't want to speak about her to me, or what? What would you do if you were a mother in law and your daughter in law shared her experiences w/you? Would you give advice or at least say something? I don't know whether to stop telling her things from now on because all I get out of her is uh=huh.


Chocoholic's picture

My take on it is that she really does not want to get involved, and instead of telling you that and risk offending you, she is simply listening and saying "uh huh" instead of getting involved.

Anne 8102's picture

Who needs HER stinking advice when you have all of us?! (Spoken while beaming from ear to ear with a cheese-eating grin on my face.)

If I were a MIL and my DIL was having problems with my son's ex-wife, I would definitely provide a shoulder to cry on, lend an ear to listen to her vent and offer advice if she seems to need it. But I can do that, because I've lived it and I know the territory. Has your MIL lived it? If not, maybe she doesn't feel equipped to offer any advice.

~ Anne ~

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." -Walter Elliot

happy mom's picture

I agree with you, I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else about what to do. I would do the same and be supportive if my DIL ever expressed her feelings to me. I guess it really hurts to know that MIL is still friends w/BM and can't even give me advice on anything. Thank you.

-happy mom

laughterandtears's picture

Seriously though, If I were the MIL I think it would probably depend on the ex-wife and the current wife and how I felt about each of them but current DIL would already have known by now where she stood, but then I am not a keep-it-bottled-up type of gal ;).


Sebbie's picture

De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
But that is a choice I have made.I believe if I was much younger and less experinenced in life I might chose to open up and share, however, at this stage of my life, my DH, my own mother, my 19 yo daughter and some choice personal friends are my confidants and MIL is just that, my MIL. I respect that bm was at one time and for some time an intricate part of MIL life, and that there is a grandchild involved(ss)and because of ss, MIL still occasionally see's/speak's to BM in order to be a part of her grandson's life. Now MIL, when in dh(her son's) and my presense together has made her own remarks about bm and her instability issues, I usually let the convo be as much between dh and MIL as possible. I think I even throw in the occassional uh-huh myself. For me, its just not comfortable discussing with MIL the ex,and I believe it is the same for her.(Besides I personally prefer to have a relationship with MIL based on her and I getting to know EACH OTHER, without bm involved) If during convo's dh and MIL have when I am present, she ASK'S my opinion on a given subject concerning bm or ss, I will give my honest opinion as I believe if you dont want the truth, dont ask for it....but otherwise I stay out of that area all together.

OldTimer's picture

I suppose it has to do with the dynamic of what happened between the MIL and the Ex...

For me, my MIL LOVES to hear about BM... she hates her! LOL. They never got along from day one, but MIL was cordial with her, smiled, nodded, and laughed, and BM was phony fake (gage) with her as well. MIL never liked BM from the very day that BM and DH got married... BM made a comment to MIL, in humorous manner that didn't sit well with MIL... I don't remember exactly what it was she said, but the jest was... "Now I can change him!"... which bothered MIL because obviously, you don't marry someone to 'change' them... you accept them for who they are. Just didn't sit well with MIL and I guess BM was pretty immature to begin with throughout the entire marriage too.

But I don't talk about BM... except for here obviously. My DH will comment to his parents about this and that every so often, and I may occasionally make a comment on it on top of his, and that's about it. And his parents only 'ask' because of all the crap she put him through, so they just like be kept informed if any 'new' developments arise. Other than that, we can care less about BM! LOL....

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

happy's picture

Why she isn't saying anything. Are you actually looking for her advice on issues. I know I tend to talk to my mom for guidance.. Not that all her guidance is right.. That is for sure.. Be straight forward. You are curious as to why and she should be forth coming if you ask her. maybe she is afraid to say anything about the ex in fear of loosing grandkids. You never know till you ask. This is just my opinion. I personally do not talk to MIL about the kids mom, because like yesterday my SD says oh I like your earings and she says well your mom and you bought them for me, so you should. And they go to BM house or have for dinner and stuff so its weird. But I have voiced my point on Holidays and inviting her, which my husband was against as well. I mean there are others in the family who are divorced and there ex's don't get invited to functions and they also have children. That is my next point I will make well if I ever get to use it. You know..

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..