I HATE PARENTING
Hello. I found this web site in a google search, and decided to post/vent my frustrations.
One might ask, why am I frustrated? I wish I knew! I am a 30 year old sm, I've been a sm for almost 3 years now. Learning parenting has been an ongoing, and ever changing process.
Here's the thing; my ss, 10 years old, is an absolute angel. I don't have any of the typical "I don't have to listen to you because you're not my real mom" issues or anything. I ask him to do something, and he does it, no questions asked.
Which leads me to wonder...what is wrong with me?? My husband asked me this morning why I am a better mom to our dog than I am to my ss.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a bad sm. My husband is a truck driver, and our ss lives with us full time, so the lion's share of parenting falls on me, inadequate as I may be. I take care of all the necessary functions, feeding him, making sure he is safe, secure, happy, healthy, clean...
I have to wonder, what is wrong with me? I totally dote on and go nuts over the dog. I've raised her since she was a puppy and she is just the center of my world. SHe reciprocates my love.
My ss and I are good friends. We laugh together, we have a good time. But I can't treat him like I treat my puppy, its just weird. I can't just spontaneously snuggle him or anything.
I guess maybe the reason why I am having such a hard time being a sm as opposed to a puppy mom is because being a sm has byfar been quite a thankless job. I don't get any special love or kudos. I could stand on my head and sing showtunes for this kid and he wouldn't really be too impressed, but if his bm even so much as gave him a penny, he would be doing backflips, telling everyone excitedly that his mom gave him a penny, like it was gold.
I guess I feel that my efforts and affections go by pretty much unnoticed, because my ss isn't looking for love from me, he knows he has that. He's looking for love from his bm which she doesn't give him.
So what do I do?
How do I reconcile my heart to keep on giving more and more and more of myself and getting nothing in return?
Thanks, I will definitely
Thanks, I will definitely check out that book!
I guess that is what it is, I really have a STRONG maternal connection with my puppy, but not my ss. It's not that I don't love him as much, it's not that at all. I love him very much, unconditionally, and I do look at him like he is my own.
But there is just something missing, and I can't put my finger on it, and I can't fix it, no matter how hard I try.
Thanks, I will definitely
Thanks, I will definitely check out that book!
I guess that is what it is, I really have a STRONG maternal connection with my puppy, but not my ss. It's not that I don't love him as much, it's not that at all. I love him very much, unconditionally, and I do look at him like he is my own.
But there is just something missing, and I can't put my finger on it, and I can't fix it, no matter how hard I try.
Sorry, I am having some
Sorry, I am having some trouble with my internet connection this morning, I didn't mean to post the same thing multiple times.
Stop competing with the BM.
Stop competing with the BM. You knew going into this relationship that the boy is a part of the package. Just consider what you must do as the payment you have to pay to receive whatever it is you get out of the situation.
Of course the boy wants his mother to love him and he may even fantasize that love if that's what it takes. Allow him that world while he's too young to realize the reality of the situation. Plus allow him to discover at his own pace what his mother is really like. You cannot shield him from who she is.
Every parent can make the complaint that their efforts are unappreciated by the kids even into adulthood. They, like you, chose the role and have to accept the reality of life. Re-set your thinking as to what you wish to get out of this relationship by concentrating those thoughts on your husband rather than the boy.
I second the motion to read
I second the motion to read StepMonster. The writer gave me her permission (before we got married) to be okay with NOT loving my stepkids, NOT expecting anything - especially motherly-child stuff from each other, etc. I hope you do read it and relieve yourself of any guilt or expectations you think you should have.
Funny, one of the complaints of SD14 in mediation towards me: I call my dogs "kids" and she thought that was weird. So what. My pups have been in my care for more than 9 years and we have actually (gasp) bonded. They have no loyalty conflicts or anything like that. They show their gratitude by smiling and wagging their tails when I come home. I knew from before we got married and I moved in that what I do, is because I want to do it and it brings ONLY ME personal gratification. Nothing else. If anything beyond that makes a difference 30-50 years down the road, great, but it's okay with me if they don't either.
With all that said, I do think it's wonderful, gloriously wonderful, that you still have a great relationship with your SS. I think you are right in the best place, somewhere between a babysitter/teacher/aunt/grandmotherly/older sister kind of place.
I think every stepmom should get a dog.
Thanks for all your
Thanks for all your replys!
I'm not at all trying to compete with the bm, I think that the problem is that she is only just barely in ss's life, and my dh expects me to pick up the slack where she leaves off?
I'm going to have to talk to him, because ss does not rate my love the same as hers, there is no way I can make up for what she lacks.