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...I don't want to share my husband!

happy mom's picture

I just can't stand it when I have to share my husband with that wicked exwife. I know that they discuss issues about their son and all but I just can't stand that. I didn't realize at the beginning that this was going to affect me big time...with his exwife in the picture and the child ignoring me. Everytime I see my stepson, his actions remind me of HER! UGHHHH! How should I handle my feelings?


Maya's picture

Happy mom,

My bf's son behaves in ways that remind me of bio mom too. Bio mom is very materialistic and a spends money all the time. Son is always asking for things and....gets them. She uses buying him what he asks for as bribes! Aside from that the ex expects my man to pay for everything even though she already gets child support and makes really good money! Not just that, she goes around and talks about my bf's business like she is still part of his life and a decision-maker! Then she openly makes negative comments about him at sport games so other parents hear! She is evil and very very dispiteful. One more, she expects him to solve her problems for her....AUG! I am getting upset just thinking about it. Oh here is another one, at his son's sporting events his son acts less friendly becasue of her. This lady has a lifetime goal/agenda to have an influence in her ex-husband's life and make his life miserable...and try to benefit from his success and money....

Advice: as i have consistently read on this site--be supportive and loving to your husband and stepson. Express your feelings to your partner and as a stepmom, discuss parenting techniques and expectations w/your husband, set the rules/discpline together. discuss this as a family and w/your stepson so that when you discpline him---"stepmom and I have decided on such and such rules and both she and I wil enforce them...we expect you to listen to both of us..."

lovin-life's picture

I'm lucky in that my BF has Zero contact with his ex. She sent him an e-mail on their wedding anniversary last year "Thinking of you often....Especially today....Wish we could be friends." She is poison, ran around with men she met on the internet for the last 4 years (maybe more) of thier he wants nothing to do with her what-so-ever..told her to never, ever contact him again. His children are old enough that contact with her is not necessary.

You start out so much in feel you handle anything, the ex's, the children, but it really does wear you down. It's what they want. Do not let them win. Take a hot bath, go for a massage, take up tennis, squash, whatever it takes to de-stress. As time goes on she will be less and less involved in your life. As far as the children go...that's one of my issues I'm still working on. It's a touchy subject with me right now...
We may always be the outsider(s) to them...

happy mom's picture

You are lucky that you don't have contact w/ex anymore now that the kids are old enough. I can't wait for that day my stepson is 18 and we drop the contact w/his mom...I'll be jumping for JOY!

lovin-life's picture

I didn't come into the picture until the kids were 15 & 25. The youngest lived with her mother until she turned 19 (that's when child support stopped) then she came to live with us for about a year before moving in with her boyfriend. I have never had to speak to the ex..ever.. Yeaaaaa!! (She really is a Psycho!)She has keyed my car, made harassing phone calls, screamed & cursed me out in a grocery store parking lot, goes out of her way to point..laugh..giggle..stare..make comments about me..etc. It's really quite the spectacle!! I do not give her the time of day. She loves matter how hard she tries..I won't give it to her. I still had to be in the same room with her for highschool graduation, grandson's christening, another christening possibly next fall and (god help me)all day & evening for a wedding next summer .. So your never really rid of them... But it will get better for you I'm sure.

Biomom's picture

Wow!! I feel like I'm reading something I wrote!! Happy Mom = I too am tired of having to deal with ex. ALL THE TIME!!!! I understand that my husband needs to talk to her ABOUT THEIR SON... but NOT EVERY FRICKIN DAY... and she inevitable turns the conversation into something else.. like discussing her car troubles, or how much the latest repair is going to cost her, or whatever.... She still thinks it is my husband's job to emotionally support her. It's HORRIBLE!!! When her grandmother died, she came into my entry way, crying to my husband and expecting him to hug and comfort her. Yea.. not cool. He has since distanced himsself somewhat, but he still talks to her EVERY DAY!!! Drives me insane. I wish I could tell you how to deal with it, but I'm struggling myself...

happy mom's picture

Yes, Biomom, I know I'm not the only that feels the same. It's like the time when I was reading an email from her to my husband and she was asking him about financial advice. She said she only has $100 a month to spend after she pays off all her bills and that she was thinking about consolidating her loans and was asking my husband for his opinion on it or was that really true???? I believed she just wanted my husband to feel sorry for her and maybe gong my husband to giving her more money! NO WAYS, over my dead body! My husband does not reply to her of course, I talked to my husband about that email and I told him, I don't want him to console her at all about her financial or any kind of problem she might have. We do not have to open up ourselves to her and give her support. He agreed. Next time she emails him that about her personal problems, I'll tell her that we are in no obligation to deal with her problems.

SMIT's picture

Oh, Honey, I understand all too well. I wish you weren't in the position you are becuase you're probably a sweet person who thinks, "I should just stop feeling this way." I know I try telling myself to knock off the jealousy, or whatever it is, when I hear my fiance talking about anything besides my SS with his ex-. My cousin, who married a man with an ex-, put it perfectly when she said that my fiance is much like her husband--a really nice guy who's not going to tell her to just shut up. It's just not him. It's wonderful to have such a considerate husband but very hard to see him being at all considerate to the ex-wife.

I don't know what drives these women to think that their ex-husbands should still provide them emotional support. When my finace's conversations with the ex- turn to anything beyond my SS, it's NOT because my fiance takes it down that path. It made me completely crazy the other night when she started telling him how her company is downsizing and her job could be in jeopardy. I hate to see him worried about her finances, but he does because of the way it might affect that wonderful little boy. The child will NEVER want for anything--we'll see to that (without spoiling him, though).

I have a theory on WHY she talks to my fiance about some of the things she does... With money matters, she KNOWS he cares and that he may step up to help with something for their son (but he DOES clear it with me first, thank goodness). The other thing is, I don't believe the woman has any girlfriends. She's made a couple of comments to me about only hanging out with her family and that she's only vacationed with family, never friends. I then realized that she's never mentioned hanging out with the girls and it made me wonder if it's becuase she has none. I find that sad because I'd die without my girlfriends... but it doesn't make me wanna be friends with her! Wink

So, Biomom, hang in there. Try to concentrate on the good things you have and thank God that you don't need to turn to someone completely inappropriate for any kind of support.