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Am I wrong for not wanting to spend time with Hubby's exwife at all the adult children's functions?

kaybouli's picture

I am desperate for answers as I am deeply hurt and at my wits end when dealing with my husband of five years and his two adult children and their families and his exwife. My husband was divorced from his wife for almost five years before we got together. However, after marrying him, I learned that during that time he spent every holiday at his adult son (30 plus) house with exwife. Since we have been married, I have been treated very rudely by his adult children, one who lives out of state. However, my husband makes excuses for them and he either says that I misunderstood their actions or that I need to understand that because of "religion" they do not recognize our marriage. One is a catholic the other is presbyterian. After discovering this, I decided to stay away then I felt guilty because I wanted my husband to have a relationship with his grandchildren. But everytime he is over there so is the exwife. I then thought this was unhealthly and it was not helping the relationship so I started going over there. I have invited them over to our house on many occassions and it was like begging them to come and making a solution for every excuse they had not to come. So I started making sure I was with them during their holiday celebrations. It seems it doesn't matter what time we go to visit, somehow the exwife is there. This last time, the son who lives in another state came to visit...traveled six hours to stay only one day. Our options that he gave us to visit him and his children was to meet at Waffle House. The wife of the other son then called and invited us for dinner at her house. We accepted and went. Of course the exwife is there. At one point, she was sitting in the kitchen at the table with all the grandchildren facing the serving bar. My husband and his two sons were standing at the serving bar facing the table. I was in the doorway of the dining room and kitchen standing a little behind my husband. One of the sons asked his mother why she was sitting where she was sitting and not in the dining room. She smiled and said, "I just sat down in here because I am just doing what feels natural." My husband looked at her and spread out his hands and said, "OH....what a beautiful site!" The ex smiled and the house got silent! I did not say a word and did my best to not make a scene and finished the evening without drama. When I got in the car to go home, I confronted my husband. Of course, I should have known....again....I missed understood. He was talking about the how beautiful it was to see all the children sitting together! I nearly exploded with emotions!!! My husband still has cards and letters from this woman as well as a framed drawing that she made for him. I have confronted him concerning these items. He says that they don't mean anything, and yet he has not gotten rid of them. I told him that I would not divorce him and allow him to ruin my life...but I am seriously considering moving away. Please advise...

IAMGOOD's picture

This does sound pretty insensitive and cruel towards you. He is treating you like you are an outsider. I don't agree with his x being at all the functions. You and he should be able to see separately all the kids. The religion excuse is stupid and it sounds like he is rethinking his divorce. I would have all my ducks in a row and protect yourself in case this guy jumps ship. He may be looking for a lot of angry reactions from you so he can remove some guilt from ending your relationship.

Big question: Did you say if his xwife is re-married? I would say if she isn't that she is working to get him back.

emotionaly beat up's picture

You are not wrong. You deserve to be treated with respect. Your husband is not being respectful towards you and is allowing hs family, ex and all, to treat you as an unwelcome outsider at "family" functions. The religion excuse. What's that. One is catholic, one Presbyterian. Doesn't sound like they are a family strongly committed to any religion. Sounds as though he is still married in his mind to the ex.

godess-clueless's picture

WHAT IS GOOD FOR THE GOOSE IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER---- Maybe you should be spending time with a few of your past loves, invite your children, or any child you feel a bonding with. After all family is not always blood related. It is the ones we feel close family ties to. Take lots of pictures to place in frames of your happy gathering.

The ex is loving every minute of this. Your husband is not appearing to be at all uncomfortable with "mom" being invited and encouraged to show up. "They" are the family as far as they are concerned. Nothing to do with religious belief, Plenty to do with the intent to be rude and cruel.

I have been down this same road. Several years into the marriage my DH was invited to stop over Christmas AM to watch the grandkids open their presents. That developed into the next 7 years of all day, invitation to have dinner. Of course mom was single and they all lived in the same tri plex. I learned a valuable lesson.
DO NOT START ALLOWING OR DOING ANYTHING UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE EXPECTED TO CONTINUE. It does soon become their expectation.

Amber Miller's picture

A nightgown????? I would've exploded. The religion excuse is stupid. I got so sick of the litany of excuses for SD's bad behavior. "She's tired", "she didn't mean it", " you're being too sensitive". Disgusting. Yeah, she's in my house, chatting it up with my father and my 3 kids and that made the queen too tired to treat me with common decency. Whatever

Esmerelda's picture

Its not ok. My husband's ex kept inviting herself to things after we got together too, but at least everyone thought it was weird, she was just a bit of a social numpty and didn't get it. The kids were younger, so we kept up appearances for them, but now they're young adults, I don't bother. I'm not nasty, but I don't bother.
The thing that made me feel much better is that NO OTHER NEW PARTNERS WERE EXPECTED TO GET ALONG WITH THE EX, so why should I? Same question for you. Its ok to not want to play happy families. And if your husband doesn't understand how it makes you feel, then you need to ask yourself some questions. However, I'd start by turning it on its head and put him in your shoes. How would he feel if his ex kept bringing a new partner into something like this. Or draw from a story of someone you know? Sometimes people just don't get it because they're in it.
Hope you find some way to address it and to have him recognise the stress this puts on you.
But in short, NO, ITS NOT OK, ITS WEIRD and awful and being a different Christian denomination is not an excuse to treat someone else like crap or to believe the marriage is void. They might be in their 30s but they need to grow up.
Good luck, it feels crap, but you're going to need hubby to open his eyes, because you can't do this forever!

Steppedonenough's picture

My husband is very similar. I dont always think it's about wanting the ex back but it is about wanting to please everyone and not deal with the situation. My husband does the same, makes excuses that I am misinterpreting. I find I have to lay ground rules as the BM is recently divorced and doing the same invading everything. You should be able to spend time with the kids you and your husband without her

Lisa mckay's picture

For about 20 years I liked BM didn't see each other often family occasions. I don't like her now she's false manipulative and deliberately drove a wedge between her daughter and me. Now I feel I'm in a family where I don't belong. She is jealous of how well her exhusband and I have done for 25 years. Gosh that's because I WORKED.

bertieb's picture

BM tried to start out my marriage saying we were all one big family now, she even bought my kids (19 and 29 at the time) pajamas for Christmas and sent them to us via SS. My kids didn't know what to do or say!! We've finally had a year with very little contact from her. She has been remarried for a couple of years but that didn't stop her for awhile. Maybe her new husband finally made her see we aren't interested and she shouldn't be.

Missingme's picture

Oh, good lord, no, you're not misunderstanding anything and I agree with someone up above that your ex is still emotionally married to his kids' mother.  I know it hurts to read this, but it's true.  Easy for me to say, but I would leave him/them and take your time to find someone who only has emotions for you.  He's a complete douche.  Religion has zero to do with this--zero.  The kids know their parents still have a flame for each other and they love it (understandably so), but he's married to you.  It's all very wrong.  I know the time is coming that I will have to endure seeing my husband and his kids' mother communicating again (They don't now.) and the thought of it is killing me because she still has a flame for him and because his kids would, understandably, love to see them interacting together.  I honestly don't know if I'll be able to handle it.  My husband would go along to get along and it doesn't bother him in the least to please the children and because I believe it strokes his ego to know that his ex would leave her current husband for him at the drop of a hat.  Best of luck to you, but I feel you're in an impossible situation and I feel for you.  If I were you, I probably would not go to these love fests and instead opt to see my own side of the family.  I mean, what do you have to lose?  

Jcksjj's picture

Do you think your DH enjoys feeling like a prize to be fought over and won between you and BM? Kinda sounds like it. Saying "oh what a beautiful site" what a loser.

shamds's picture

by sayin “what a beautiful sight” and threw his hands in the air in front of his wife?? I would have left right away with no words, i would have just gone home and no doubt had a massive argument with hubby. Thats pure disrespect to you as his wife. 

Plenty of men divorce and remarry and aren’t anywhere flirting or want to be in vicinity of the ex