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Does anyone out there have a good relationship w/biomom?

happy mom's picture

If you do, what is it like? Just wondering... I feel like my mother in law wishes we all get along and hang out as one big family.


Nise's picture

Sorry, can’t help out on this one! My mom and step-mom get along GREAT though! People are often very surprised….last Christmas my family and my husband’s family were all at our house…me, my husband, my mom, my step mom, my god-mother (my mom’s best friend) and her husband and my dad all sat around playing board games and having a great time! Same thing at my graduation party we all played corn hole together and then sat around laughing and talking….my stepmom is a nurse and has even called me to come by and pick up antibiotic to take to my mom, a few times that is how I found out that my mom was sick! Honestly, I don’t know how they do it…but they do and it is VERY HEALTHY for all us kids...I have a sister and two brothers who are not “blood related” (my mom’s daughter by someone else and my dad’s son’s by my stepmom) but they treat each other like siblings. Too bad we will NEVER have that!

Make a GREAT Day!

skye22's picture

I wouldn't say its a good relationship. Its a working relationship for the sake of the child. Some days are better than others Smile

Caitlin's picture

We don't even have a working relationship for the sake of the child. BM is bipolar and does some godawful things to me and I always try to take the high road and not get into it with her, which is not the same thing as actually "getting along". Her idea of cooperating is her telling me what to do and me doing it.

The sad thing is, SD loves us both and sooo wants us to get along. At drop-offs, she'll even whisper in my ear things like "tell Mommy you like her shirt" to start a friendly conversation between us. I always put a smile on my face and try to act natural and compliment the shirt if that's what SD wants, but BM will always hate me.

happy mom's picture

that's cute how sd tries to have you both talk to each other. its sad when your ss/sd thinks both "moms" hate each other. children see right through us.

-happy mom

Anne 8102's picture

Don't get along with the BM and probably never will. I went into it all starry-eyed and with good intentions, but she didn't want to have a relationship with me, didn't want her kids to have a relationship with me and probably still doesn't want me married to her ex-husband. But my mom and her husband's ex get along just fine. Of course, the kids were high school age or older when they married, so there wasn't really a lot of fighting over CP, visitation, etc.

~ Anne ~

Nymh's picture

Nope, she hates me. I'm the reason for all of her problems, don't you know. Even the problems that started long before I ever came around, and especially the problems that have absolutely nothing to do with me!

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

happy mom's picture

sounds like biomom has a lot of jealousy and not over the separation yet.

-happy mom

Nymh's picture

Definitely not. Get this - they had been separated for over 5 years before I ever came along, and yet I'm still somehow the reason he left her. And she's asked him a few times if they could "start over with a clean slate", even during our relationship!

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

happy mom's picture

sorry, who left who? i can't believe she is even asking that about getting back w/him. how desperate! i sometimes wonder too if she is ex is angry w/me because my husband started dating me when they were in the middle of the divorce. wondering what she is thinking now that my husband and I have been together for 6 yrs now. does she wonder why their relationship did not work out as well as ours? she is wrong to blame you with their break up.

-happy mom

Nymh's picture

He left her, though now she tries to empower herself by claiming that she gave him the ultimatum to choose between his life or his family. She makes no sense. One day she'll say that she just knows he'll come crawling back to her and she'll shut the door in his face when he gets there because she's "never gonna make that mistake again", and then she's asking him if they can start over with a clean slate.

I think she is desperate, and lonely. They were young sweethearts who married despite problems which only got worse as time went on. She has not dated since they've been split. She's told me and others that she will never have another man in her or her son's life. I really wish that she would date and find herself a man to love her and take the focus off of us.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

hopeful's picture

That might never happen and even if she meets someone, she may not let go of the past. She is a bit addicted to that past it seems. My ex is the same and we have been separated for 13 years...still as bitter as the day he left. He didn't plan to stay gone though, just to get me in line a bit better and teach me how much I needed him. He is with someone new but says that she nags him too much and that I ruined his life. Oh well, if they want to sacrafice their entire lives in bitterness that is too bad. Good luck with everything Nymh. There is no explaining the behaviour of some!

happy's picture

I read your reply here.. I am sorry for you.. Your ex needs some extensive counseling.. My gracious.. 13 years and he is still that bitter.. He will probably be a lonely old man.. Life is to short.. Anyways.. just had to comment..

OldTimer's picture

she try that internet dating place... eharmony? Didn't think I would EVER get rid of my BIL. He is very, um... unique, um... quite a geek, he certainly didn't know how to take care of himself, and you couldn't tell him squat or try to 'dress him up' because he was soooo sensitive. Did things his way or no way. He lived with my DH for about 6 yrs, and you would have thought it was DH who was the older responsible brother by the way they acted... anyway, he went on there, met a women, and now they are married, very happy together. Miracles do happen. (She totally wears the pants in that house, let me tell you! LOL. Straightened him right up!) }:)

Cindy's picture

Like Anne I went into it all starry-eyed, naively believing things would work themselves out, my DH and ex had been divorced a year before I came along so I thought no problem, but uhhh, no. The first time I met her at my DH's house she was waiting for their kids to get home from school, using my hubby's computer to chat guys up and when we arrived my DH got himself a drink and she made a big point of taking it from him and drinking from his glass. Very territorial!!!! I knew right at that point it wasn't going to be easy and it never has been - like a lot of us, her version of getting along is to do as she says and basically live your life dictated by her crazy demands, don't think so, no thank you.

Nymh's picture

I just hate that! Why is it that these women all have the same philosophy on "getting along"? I'm starting to see a very prominent trend forming. Almost all of the ex-wives have a lot of the same characteristics - very territorial, exhibit bipolar behaviors, very demanding, often times completely inappropriate, self-centered, manipulative...It's very obvious that there's a good reason they're the EX!

Why can't they all just be like Janice? I'm so glad that she is around. She gives me hope that one day BM in my situation might wake up and be sane!

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

hopeful's picture

Whoa...many of us are also biomoms and exs and aren't bipolar, manipulative, self centered, demanding or anything like this. My ex has chosen to have nothing to do with our kids so I have raised them on my own since they were 6 and 9. I am proud of what I have done as a mother. Not all exs are involved or even care for that matter. My ex is my ex because he was abusive and mean. Whoever wants him, is welcome to have him no questions asked. As for my husband's ex, causes us no problems now because we don't have to contend with her...but all along I have now realized, it was always our choice...mine and my husbands as to how we deal with things. We just didn't always have a united front.

Nymh's picture

I'm not saying that ALL biomoms are this way, I'm saying that the biomoms that we have problems with all share the same characteristics. I'm not trying to lay all of the blame on the biomom.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Anne 8102's picture

I'm an ex-wife and I haven't spoken to, called, emailed or even written my ex-husband in nine years, with the exception of sending him the adoption papers to sign so that my new husband could adopt my son from the marriage. Other than that, there's been ZERO communication. I mean, I divorced him so that I could remove myself from his life, not so that I could run it from afar.

~ Anne ~

Shar's picture

getting territorial or jealous over new gf or wife. I left him. why would I care what or who he does...I think maybe the ex wives that are jealous and vendictive obviously havent gotten over the fact that their ex hubbies arent crawling back and that the grass is indeed greener on the other side....but I would get ticked and say something to my ex husband if the new love of his life or bed partner whichever comes first lol..treated my boys badly...which has happened in the past..and I did have to say something for him to notice what was going on.....I wish my ex husband would find someone he liked and would treat our kids good and someone that would be nice to me as would get him out of his blaming mode and move on.......

Alicia's picture

Did you ever consider the kids are trying to start trouble by accusing the step parent of treating them badly? My husbands daughter (won't even call her my step daughter after all she has done to me over the last 12 years) takes every opportunity to create problems. I am sure it is an effort to drive me away, but I am not going anywhere. I love my husband. I use to do ecerything for her. I spent more time with her than her mother or father, driving her to school, doctors appointments... I was the one who showed up first when she had to be taken to the hospital after passing out at school (i rode in the ambulance). However, I now want nothing to do with
her. She has done everything from talking online about harming me to accusing me of running her over with vacuum. She was trying to get around me while I was vacuuming in a tight hallway and couldn't just say excuse me because she was not talking to me that day and the cord hit her. I overheard her on the phone telling her mother I was just a bitch and tried to run her over. I have forgiven her and her mother numerous times over 12 years. There comes a time when you need to quit for your own sanity. No one underdstands unless they are in the same situation. Don't just assume your ex is ignoring inappropriate behavior. All of his girlfriends can't be cruel!

Janice (from work)'s picture

So shhhhhhhhh! BioMom's are very very very insecure. In my experience it had nothing to do with the ex, only the fear of you having a say in my child(ren) rearing. Its hard, ladies...... We did not have our children to be raised by someone else. I admitted in MANY posts that when "he and I" had our child, it was with the intention of bringing him up in a TWO parent, loving, working, environment. Now, unfortunately, things do not always work out the way we intend. (Logically, I do KNOW this). Therefore, when our ex does meet up with "Mrs. Right", we become very territorial of our children..... And guilt plays a HUGE role also.....

While I agree that some of the stunts your biomom's pull are unacceptable and at times down right disgusting, I can definately see the biomom's frustrations in certain situations also. A few times a step would see things one way where I could understand her anger, yet on the other side, the biomom never will see that side of it. And I want to tell you that sometimes (most times, actually) it is miscommunication, or worse yet, lack of communication.

I understand your frustrations though. I only wish that my son's stepmom would want to have a "sane" relationship with me.

To be honest, I can more relate to the "steps" here than I can to bio's. Your interest in relating to your "step" kids is an amazing revelation.

However, if I had to put all of my eggs in one basket, I think that I can MOST relate to the person you are married to. Not that it justifies his behavior, but I think in a bio case, you deal with so much guilt..... So when you complain that your hubby doesn't understand your anger, frustration, or giving in so quickly to the spoil brat he's bowing down to, its not usually because he is blind or stupid. And he DOES understand you....He just feels so bad for his child(ren), it overcomes any logic he may realize.

In my case, I have been in a long-term relationship with someone for 5 years. Boys (TWO EX'S, BTW) are 17 and 7. When my significant other complains or loses it becuz of one of the kids or one of my ex's, I KNOW he's right. But you see, between guilt and loyalties, I always end up defending "them" instead of us. I had just recently told someone that if she would just sit back and not say anything, her husband would eventually come to her and be the one ranting and raving. The less my bfriend says, the more I end up realizing. If he gives me no reason to defend, I come to these conclusions on my own: 1) My ex is an ass and 2) My son is acting like a spoiled rotten brat!

And finally, while I say that I mostly relate to your husband in these matters, it is not to say that he's right!!! I am wrong most times, I only ADMIT it when my bf doesn't remind me of it!

Am I making sense at all?


Kim's picture

As a bio mom, I feel I am the ideal of what a bio mom should be like. I have never done anything to my ex-husbands girlfriend to make her feel anxious or stressed. In the nine years that my ex and his girlfriend have been together, I have met her once and have probably seen her a handful of times (my ex lives in another state but he and his girlfriend have visited the kids in our state and the kids have gone to visit them at least once a year). She treats my kids well according to the kids and they like her so I have absolutely no problem with her. I actually feel sorry for kids have reported to me that my ex is very verbally abusive to her and possibly physically (a whole other issue that I won't get into now).

My BF and I recently bought a house together and we moved in together (my kids and I moved to his state). I have never spoken to my BF's ex (the bio mom of my BF's son). She has never directly done anything to me but my BF is the target of the manifestations of her stress, insecurities, jealousy, inadequacies, and lack of self-esteem. She will try anything to get his attention even if it's negative attention. She will use their son to get to my BF, even at the expense of her own son's mental and emotional health. She is relentless to say the least. She has sent over 60 e-mails in the last 3 months. I would say about 7 were actually legitimate ones. So, we sent her a certified letter a week ago telling her that she can no longer e-mail my BF (she was sending so many e-mails that it was beginning to be harrassing to my BF)and can send written correspondences regarding issues about their son through U.S. mail. We also stated that she can call his phone for emergencies ONLY. And if she wants her son to call her while he is with us, she can prearrange it with him prior to transition day so that she doesn't have to use my BF as the middle man (my BF and his ex do not speak to one another due to a long history of arguments and her lying about what she said in prior discussions - everything is in writing) We also stated that any non-emergency phone messages will be ignored. We have cell phones only so she can't call our house. SO we don't hear from her all week while BF's son is with her. But yesterday, the day of transition, she calls my BF's phone, one hour after BF's son arrives at our house. She left a message asking for BF's son to call her. I was she STUPID???? We both think she did this to show that she still can get to my BF despite the fact that she can no longer e-mail him. By the way, this message was's not an emergency. Oh, did I forget to mention that she just recently got married and is supposedly having a baby? Yet she still finds the time to constantly be a thorn in our side. I wonder what her new husband thinks of her obsession with my BF and our life. Hmmmm...


happy's picture

My first husband was married before me and had a child with her.. I was 19 when we got together.. The biomom was a complete Bitch.. No other way around it.. She pushed me and finally one day I snapped and it did not get any better after that.. Until,, I was 21 and 6 months pregnant with our first child.. Her son then was 6.. She called when she found out I was pregnant and proceeded to tell me "we should've consulted the 6 year old before we got pregnant.. I blew up for two days her and I sat on the phone and argued.. We only then were on common ground.. I had our daughter and after that her and I were friends and buddies.. She then realized I think 1. I was not taking her sons dad away.. 2. that just because we had children did not mean that there child was less important then ours.. 3. she realized then that I was not only taking care of our daughter but completely taking care of her son too.. I made sure he was clean and had clothes and made sure the child support was paid.. She has even said in the past, that the only time she got her Child Support as she was suppose to was when he was married to me.. We both are pretty much in agreeance about him Hes a jerk when it comes to CS and stuff because he obviously thinks he hurting us but in all actuality he is hurting the kids.. But it was only then did her and I become friends..

My husband now, his ex and I were fine in the beginning until I finally seen things like the phone calls all the time and her not just talking about the kids which one is now 21 but she still calls and talks about him.. Her constant need to tell my husband everything all her problems and crap and then tell my new family how she made a huge mistake and wishes she could take it back... so nope not going to ever happen... Maybe when she finally moves on with her life.. But until then no I will not invite her into my home and be buddies with her..

As far as being the BioMom.. I am friends with my ex's GF she is nice and takes care of my kids.. when they are there.. But I am sure she does not care for me based on the crap my ex probably tells her.. I am not unreasonable.. All I have asked of him is to pay his CS which I have since went to the P.Attorney for them to automatically take from his checks.. SO I am sure they are both angry about.. But o'well.. I think for me personally I am an ex and no my place which is ok because I choose that and am comfortable about my decision.. And really do not want to be a part of his life anymore, more then I have to be.. You know..

hopeful's picture

Sometimes I wonder if the exs attitude is different if she was the one who left as opposed to the husband or if it matters. I read an article quite some time ago that stated that the person who does the leaving in the relationship, often takes longer to get over it as they may leave for another person, activity, frustruation ,etc. The person who is left is forced to get help to cope and they often do better over time and reconcile themselves to a life without their ex-spouse. Don't know if it is was for me.

purdy's picture

My ex husband has a girlfriend and i think she is a very nice person if my son calls his dads and he is not home she will take the time and talk to him one time they talked for an hour my son really likes her which is very important to me.I would never call and yell at her or anything like that if my ex moved on that is great i wish them happiness.

Candice's picture

I come here to vent a lot about bm...and I mean a lot..I also come here to share our experiences, so that others can brace themselves from my past in being in a relationship with a man that had a child by someone else.

It hasn't always been easy, there were times of no communication, then nothing but fighting, and a lot of uneasy events (birthdays..). But after bm finally found someone that she geniunely loved, and watched how the bm of his children treated him, denied him his visitations with his kids, manipulated his girls to not like him or her, then she started to see how awful these behaviors were to kids, and how terrible it felt to watch someone that you loved be so tormented by an ex using his kids. That experience of hers was a defining moment in her life, and it did change her as a mother, b/c she stopped doing all her bs to us...that was until they broke up.

We for the most part do get along, but that doesn't mean she doesn't ever irritate me with her decisions. We get a long enough to have shared birthdays, and we could have shared holidays, we don't, we do send gifts to each others' children (she has another child, and she send's a gift for our son) which I think is nice.

This didn't come instantly, nor did it come without a lot of court fights either. It wasn't until 5 years of me being with my dh (married for 1) that she finally came to terms with my dh being with me, and she was looking forward to a future with someone that she really loved.

The other thing too, as a sm, I was always thinking about my actions, and questioning..."should I do this..." b/c if I do, I might be stepping on someone's toes...and I don't want to hurt a child's mother by being insensitive. So, I tried to be cautious of my actions.

The best thing is communication...when you have a lot of it, it helps. But, you have to listen, and the other party needs to listen as well.