In-Laws...could it be fake support?
I know for a fact that my mother in law, sister in law are still in good relationship w/biomom behind my back. Why then do they still act like they support me when I complain about this woman? But behind the scene they talk to this woman and maintain a good relationship w/her? I thought that once divorce is final no more contact w/ex families period? I feel so stupid for telling them what we have gone through w/this woman knowing now that they are friends w/her. I don't feel like visiting them anymore. Please give me your input on this, I would really appreciate it. I just feel like shit right now.
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It's a hard one
I have the same situation - in-law mother asks ex to lunch. Luckily ex refuses. I have discussed the fact that it makes me feel uncomfortable that she has a relationship with his ex - but she explained to me that she is doing it to maintain cordial relations with her because she wants access to her granddaughter.
Personally, I believe an ex is an ex, but I could kind of see where this woman is coming from. She would have access to her granddaughter through her son, so she needen't worry. But in her mind she does worry and I've learned to respect that.
I think it's easier for mother in laws of daughters to cut ties with ex son in laws than of ex daughter in laws because invariably the ex daughter in law as mother of the grandchild has more to do with the child's upbringing and usually has custody.
I would talk to your husband, mother in law and sister in law and tell them how you feel just so that they are aware. You might them know that you respect their decision to keep a relationship with the ex, but you want your privacy respected and that information which does not concern her child should not be conveyed to her.
The other point is that there's friendly and "FRIENDLY". Maybe your husband needs to have a word with his family to set the boundaries for their ongoing relationship with his ex. She is HIS ex and he should have a say in her ongoing communication with his family.
Let's face it, we don't like it, but maybe a compromise can be reached.
Good luck
To Realist....
thanks for your input, i totally agree w/you when you say that the inlaws can get access of the grandchild through their own son, why do they have to maintain a relationship w/the ex? i never thought of it that way and you opened my eyes. i did mention to my husband that i don't like the idea that inlaws are associating w/ex wife, he knows where i stand on this. i know i have no control of them or even my husband over them but it just irritates the shit out of me! i feel like she is an ex it's over, she is no longer part of this family why still invite her to dinner when we are not around and be all nice to this woman who dumped your own son and who put us through hell! sorry i had to just get that off my chest... i remember one time when mother in law mentioned to me that ex likes to come over their house I was like thinking in my head "what the f*** is she telling me this when she knows how i feel about this witch!" i didn't say anything back at her and ignored it but that's the kind of shit i have to listen to when i'm over at their house and so now i don't even want to go there at times. i force myself to go for my husband's sake, to make him feel happy. i just might blow up and tell them off the next time they say stupid things like that in my face. sorry venting again. i'm glad to hear your input and it gives me a different perspective on this whole thing....like they truly like this ex maybe better than me after all. thanks again.
-happy mom
Keeping the peace?
Maybe they are just trying to keep the peace, happy mom. Maybe they figure it will just be easier to be neutral. Some people just go overboard to not piss off the ex because they don't want to be a part of the fighting. Now, if they are running to her with everything you say about her, then obviously you have to stop talking to them about her, but if it's just a matter of keeping things friendly to avoid being sucked into a war, then I wouldn't worry about it.
My mom-in-law and I have the best relationship. We are very close and I know I can go to her with ANYTHING. She has always tried to maintain civility between herself and the ex, though, so that she could have access to the kids. I know she'd never betray me, so I don't worry about it. I know how she feels. I think if you've been betrayed, then you have to find someone else to confide in, but unless they have betrayed you, it's possible that they DO support you 100%, but are just friendly to her to keep the peace. They maybe do it behind your back to keep from offending you.
If you take your husband out of it and you are just two women who don't like each other, it doesn't look quite as bad, does it? Have you ever been friends with two people who didn't get along with each other? Maybe that's all it is. I agree that the divorce should cut the family ties, but sometimes friendships form outside the failed marriage. I know that if my husband and I split up, I would remain friends with his mother, not because she's my mother-in-law, but because we have a lot in common and we've grown to be very close friends. Not the same with my former mother-in-law. After the divorce, I never saw them again.
~ Anne ~
One of my good friends of
One of my good friends of almost 30 years would 'fraternize' with my Ex...from time to time. And it would bother me. She didn't do it on purpose, we all have mutual friends, me, her, x and there are occasions where they land in the same place with the same people once in a while.
I know she has my back.....100%, but she was asked by my x to keep something secret from me...and that bothered me. (He didn't want her to tell me he was downtown bar-hopping..no biggy, really..that's almost a given) After I went through a range of feelings about it.
Things settled out with this......
They have a 'history' of freindship as well...
He is the same person that was her friend before we spit..
It's not reasonable that she is to never speak to him again....
I would probably be disappointed in her as a person..if she was the kind to throw freindships away..over the opinions or disagreements between someone else.
The world doesn't revolve around me...
I know she doesn't associate with him 'to hurt me' or 'bother me'
They had and continue to have a freindly relationship outside of me..
AND that's OK.......
I'm not threatened by it....
What's at the root of your insecurities, Happy Mom? How can you address the deeper issues that make you feel this way? It starts with you...
I'm sorry if I sounded like, I'm jumping to conclusions. I'm assuming things and maybe I shouldn't....but I ran the gammet of emotions with the above senario and the same kind of feelings.
It was definately insecurity, in my case. When I thought it over...I realized that thier relationship/friendship was something separate from me and I shouldn't feel threatened by something that had nothing to do with me!
So many times people are completely caught in the middle..and try to do their best to stay out of the fray. And it's nothing more than that.
I hope your feeling better
to lovin-life...
hi, thanks for you input. i'm not insecure about it, i'm upset because my inlaws continues to be nice and supportive of ex even after all the stress that she put my husband through during their marriage and after and today. the inlaws know what she has done to us and yet still continue to associate w/this woman. i just don't understand it.... i just want this woman out of my life and i hate to hear it from my inlaws when they speak about her even though they know how i truly feel about this woman.
-happy mom
Mother-in-law probs
I so can relate to what you are going through. I am currently going through the exact same thing--probably even worse. My mother-in-law has become great friends since our marriage with the ex. She calls and tells her everything that goes on between us, and tells my sister-in-law that she has the right to tell any "friend" anything she wants about her son--and believe me she does. She also introduces the "ex" as her daughter-in-law when they are together. It has caused total disarry in our lives, and the step-children are caught in the middle. We haven't really seen them since may. I want to completely cut ties all together with them so save our marriage. You were right when you said the visitation with the grandchildren should come through my husband. Don't back down--what you are feeling is right. When it's over, it's over. They would want the same respect if they divorced and remarried. Anyway, best of luck.
Devil's advocate...
I am a biomom who has maintained a good relationship with my ex-parents-in-law and siblings-in-law...and I do it because it is the right thing to do, considering I have custody and my exhusband will not take the initiative to see to it that our son spends time with his own family (thanks largely due to interference from his current wife...long story). I would not say that I am as close to them as I am to my current inlaws from my current husband, but we have an excellent relationship for the sake of our child and they are genuinely nice people. It did take a while to get to that point, though. I try to respect the "boundaries", if you can call it that, and not make a nuisance of myself or have contact other than once every few months or so, but I do go out of my way to let them know of events coming up, take him to visit them, etc.. I think the degree of the relationship with the exfamily depends on whether or not the biodad actively supports a relationship with his family, or just sloughs it off and treats it like it is not important (or allows his current wife to call all of the shots). Really...people can never have enough folks who love them and at least the realtions are positive and not negative. Just be proud and secure in what you bring to the family, and you will reap so many benefits from that.
In My opinion
Their is relationship and their is communication! If you wanted a realtionship then you should have stayed together and I mean this in a walks of life. Think about it ladies, what if your hubby chose to ALWAYS have a realtionship with any woman in his past who he was involved with, you can't tell me that wouldn't bother you. BUT if he COMMUNICATES with them, every blue moon you probably could care less about that, at least I wouldn't. My hubby's ex-wife takes the RELATIONSHIP PART to a whole new level. Meaning, she WON'T go and visit her own parents for holidays, but WILL ALWAYS SPEND full week vacations at her EX-IN LAWS (for the sake of the kids of course) BUT if it's for the sake of the kids then why don't you spend vacations at your own families home, who are also long distance to her just as her EX IN Laws are. (Her parents are in Illinois, her EX in laws are in Georgia and she is in Texas) she is not doing this FOR THE KIDS as she says, it's to be just SPITEFUL, we are not talking about a 2 year old and 3 year old, we are talking about teenagers! Why do you need to be there?
"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)
My in-laws
do not have good intentions for me, and I learned that the hard way. My sil, who pretended to be my friend, worked me over, then decided to become best friends with dh's ex.
I personally have no problems with my in-laws being friends to her, buying her things, or supporting her in any way, because they are not people I want to be around. If there is a glimpse of kindness in their coal ridden hearts, and they want to give that kindness to a person who has been thoroughly rude to their son/brother, well then they can go ahead and knock themselves out.
If dh's ex wants to maintain a relationship with her ex in-laws for the sake of ss, I certainly would not have any problems with that, if it were in his best interest. It isn't, and bm doesn't make good decisions for ss based on what is in his bests interests.
What I do, is I just don't give the in-laws any information about our lives, what is going on, etc...I keep distance between myself and the in-laws, and don't worry about what they do/say with the ex. They really don't have good intentions for me or dh, and I just don't have a desire to be around people like that.
Candice...
thanks for sharing...wow, so sad that they are that way towards you and your husband. where did it go wrong i wonder. how can they not support son/brother? i'm frustrated about the situation and i too keep my distance from them. one day i hope they realize what they are doing is wrong, they need to wake up!
-happy mom
It's really tough to deal with
sometimes, and most often I'm the only adult in the situation, so I get to bite my tongue. Some people are sabotager's, and my in-laws are those types of people. They can't bring themselves to support anyone, b/c they aren't happy people.
I get the full force of their brutal efforts b/c I'm an assertive woman, and what I was told recently was the confidence in a woman often intimidates others.
I didn't realize that my sil was just like her mother until I was going though our wedding. She pretended to be my friend, and then the truth came out during the course of our wedding. That really hurt my feelings, but I got over it. Now, I know their true colors, and I will never befriend them again. I share my dh two/three times per year, and outside of the holidays and kids' birthdays, I feel that I'm not obligated to give more to his dysfunctional family.
I've done more than my fair share, and I always get the knife in my back. So now I know what to expect. I just keep my distance, I don't do favors, when the phone rings I hand it to my dh (imo, it's his fam, he can deal with them).
I'm not saying your in-laws are that way, this is the way mine are, and this is how I handle it. It's frustrating to know that there are people in your dh's family that have bad intentions for you. The thing that pisses me off the most is they talk trash about me to my ss, which undermines both mine and dh's authority with ss!
Good luck
This is new for me. My dh
This is new for me. My dh and his ex split over four years ago...she had an affair with her best friend's husband. Then she pulled my dh through court to get lots of money and tried to say he was a bad dad...so not true...so he would get less access time. It was very ugly and I was there throught the whole thing. My mother in law disliked her so much during that time but things have changed.
I remember in the summer my mother in law telling me how the ex still calls her mom and how the two families (dh's and ex) have become so close. How was I was to repond? I just said don't include me or my son in that family because I have no desire to become apart of that family.
After four years of not going to my in laws...the ex decides to show up on Christmas morning by herself....we have SD..to give mother in law a present.
I just can't stomach any of this. The ex had been a monster for so long and we are back in court again this year....wonder how mother in law will feel then? My dh has made it clear that he is not happy with their new found relationship but mother in law says she does it for granddaugther. What about her own SON!!!! Is there no loyalty to a good son and his new family?
I am not asking that she be rude to the ex but stop rubbing it in our faces and pretending that it is for the grand-daugther. She cares so much about what others think. Funny thing she never liked her the whole time they were married and now she is her friend. It hurts us but I have decided as well to keep my distant. She is so worried about that relationship that she will hurt ours and her relationship with our son. She could see grand-daugther whenever we have her so I just don't understand.
Tyra...
i'm with you on your last question. i too are going to that same situation, why does MIL have to be friends and rub it in my face and then says it's so she can see stepson, and I'm thinking you can see him through us...why be friends w/her behind our back after all we've been through! i can't stand it either, i think this is why i do not care about going over my MIL cause I just don't want to hear it from her anymore...about exwife. i'm just sick of it....MIL can do what ever she wants, I don't care anymore. i'm just afraid that i'll blow up one day and tell her off and say something like "do not talk about her anymore when i'm around, you know how i feel about this woman, why do you continue to talk to her and be friends w/her and rub it in my face!" what do you think her reaction to that?
-happy mom
I am also worried that I wil
I am also worried that I will do that. I can take so much then I eventually exploded. If your MIL is anything like mine she will totally be offended and will think that your are the *#@#*. She will take it that I have totally disrepected her and that she has done nothing wrong. Her usual story. I just keep my distance. I have had to go on two business trips this month and my Dh has made his visits then so I don't have to go for awhile.
She has offended my entire family at one point or another so I no longer plan dual family functions. Some people are impossible. Try to keep your distance. That is the only way for us to keep our sanity (whatever we have left)
Good Luck