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How do I change my negative feelings for an SD with ADHD

Hairmoda's picture

A few months ago me and my bf decided to live in separate homes because his children were causing a major strain on our relationship. His son is 14 years old and has ADHD and is medicated.

i love my bf but his son irritates me and I can’t help but feel ashamed of myself. 

I want to give a few examples of the things that are irritating me and I just don’t know why I can’t just let these things roll off my shoulders. I think about the way I feel and my reactions to these circumstances at the time when it’s happening And I am overwhelmed, embarrassed, disgusted and angry. I am fearful of living with them again for these reasons but I don’t want to be this way I want to be supportive but all those negative emotions consume me about this kid. My bf constantly tells me he’s just a boy and I don’t frickin get it because to me he’s 14 he’s not just a boy I was working when I was 14.

1) he eats like a savage, if it has sauce it’s all over his cheeks and he touches his food on his fork and his hands always get super messy. He eats with his mouth wide open and doesn’t chew he just swallows. Unless we say that’s enough he just eats and eats and eats.

2. I always find rotten food in his room, he’s not aloud to bring food in there but he hides it under his bed or in his drawers.

3. He always talks with a “funny” voice that’s not funny. A bit here and there is ok but you try to have a conversation with him and he imitates Aidan’s or talks like an Indian it’s like his social cues to ok kid it’s not funny are not there  and e doesn’t stop  you can tell him to act his age and time and place but two minutes later he starts again.

4. The other day he was talking about his aunt and how he thought it was wierd that she always stops to talk to little kids and said “it’s like she wants to rape them” wtfffff who says that. My bf says he’s trying to be funny but that’s not funny to me.

5. He has the worst hygiene and often smells bad. He will take a shower and be in there for an hour and he won’t use soap and then will lie about it when we ask. 

6. I told his father that he should probably be monitoring his iPad use. Make sure he’s not talking to anyone inappropriate or just to make sure he’s not looking things up that are not appropriate. We went through it together and the boy has been watching Japanese cartoon porn. Often, is that normal, like I get it he’s curious and boobs woohoo but like what kinda Porn is that.

7. He is disobedient at school, he has some good days but often he is isolated from the rest of the class because of his behaviour. Emails have come home that he smells from teachers or that he can’t concentrate in class and he gets loud and obnoxious to the other students. This seems to be getting a bit better but the patterns are still there.

i love my bf  and I understand he comes as a package deal. Sometimes he understands how I feel but then when we argue he goes into hardcore defence mode and makes me feel evil “he’s just a boy” “he deserves to feel loved” “he’s a good boy”.

Why can’t I be more supportive, why does he irritate me so much is there any coping mechanisms I can use I feel terrible but I can’t help how I feel.

 

 

Comments

Just J's picture

Don’t beat yourself up about how you feel. Your feelings are your feelings; you can’t  control them. Honestly I’d probably have a lot of the same feelings  you do. The eating habits are disgusting and that is so wrong that his dad would allow that to continue. The kid sounds like he’s 6, not 14 and that is sad. Your boyfriend is doing him a HUGE disservice by letting this behavior continue and not helping him grow up. And he smells? Unacceptable! Does he have friends? I can’t imagine he does. How will he ever become a productive member of society at this rate? Has your bf thought about that? Doesn’t sound like it.

i think you were wise to separate houses. I couldn’t live like that. That’s like living with some kind of feral animal. But you also have the issue of your br being a crappy dad. It is ultimately his fault and coddling him and saying utter bullsh*t things like he’s a good boy is not helping. He’s obviously not a good boy if he’s constantly getting in trouble at school, what does bf think of that? That would be so frustrating.

I’d be very cautious here. Continue to date but ask yourself if you can live with this kid indefinitely, even into adulthood, because he sounds very unlikely to launch at 18 or even close thereafter. You might have a 30’year old anime porn watching slob living with you. Harsh I know, but likely.

Indigo's picture

Sounds as if DH/SO has an incomplete understanding of his BS's issues. Perhaps DH & BM used a "best guess" diagnostic model from teachers & neighbors & friends & general primary care physicians who did their best in 10 min. consults.

In my experience, nothing that you posted sounds like acute, appropriately medicated ADHD. Sounds like a bunch of other stuff hidden behind the easy catchall phrase of ADHD w/o addressing co-morbid issues.

This is not your fight, your situatìon to fix. I feel for you --- there is no magic pill or college course to explain & coach you to help you create your anticipated relationship. 

 

 

 

 

 

Hairmoda's picture

The BM lost custody of him when he was very young, she was very young and I don’t think was ready to be a parent. I have no idea what happens when he goes there every second weekend. His father has talk to her about monitoring the iPad and making sure he doesn’t over eat but who knows what happens over there.

thinkthrice's picture

silence your gut feelings that are waving red flags and warning you to RUN?!

Hairmoda's picture

I am worried about the what if’s, that the grass isn’t greener on the other side, that maybe one day he will change and I will regret breaking up with someone who’s good to me, my boyfriend also reminds me of that. He tells me that he loves me so much and good luck finding someone who will be like he is with me. It is definitely a guilt trip and it works

SteppedOut's picture

What?! "Good luck finding someone...". Gaslighting and manipulation. 

I assure you, you can find someone other than a bad dad that allows their child to have poor hygiene.

beebeel's picture

Seriously? This guy has 150 pounds of baggage that he allows to run feral and he thinks he's a superior catch to anyone? 

He is honing in on your insecurities and this language is abusive. 

tog redux's picture

Kids with ADHD can be annoying - unparented kids in general are REALLY annoying.

Has he been formally diagnosed with ADHD, and does he take medication?  A lot of this just sounds like an immature 14 yo who isn't being parented adequately.   ADHD may play a part in it, but his poor parenting is a big part as well.

Don't feel bad, any of us would feel the same way you do.  You don't have to tolerate poor behavior just because it's your BF's son. And you won't automatically like him just because he's your BF's son.

I don't think you are the problem here, quite frankly.  Your BF's lack of parenting is.  If the kid does have ADHD, he needs MORE structure and firm parenting, not this mess you describe.

Letti.R's picture

Has it ever occurred to you that instead of trying to change the way you feel, your feelings may be justified?
Who wants to feel all goo-goo over an undomesticated, poorly parented child?
He may have ADHD, but the problems you mention occur in non-ADHD(?) children too as a result of parents who cannot give a toss about properly raising their kids.
Your SS is a direct reflection of the neglect and Disney parenting by your BF.
Please think long and hard about a further relationship with this blame shifting, excuse making male. 

twoviewpoints's picture

I usually just back out of blogs post such as this one (ADHD type) , because I'd be banned if I let loose on some of the uneducated (on the subject) of some of the original post and replies I read. 

I'm not going to back out so easily on yours because I see you really haven't done much research on the topic and because your SO is using it as a big old excuse for raising his kid in total parent failure mode.  If you are giving this relationship a try, you need to learn the differences between lazy *ss parent and true ADHD. 

ADHD does not cause a child to sit at the table and eat like a pig. Nope. If the 14 year old is sitting their gobbling like a mad man with spaghetti sauce from ear to ear, it isn't  ADHD that caused the scene. It's your SO who never taught his son to have table manners... something that should have been started as a toddler. Do you really honestly believe ADHD forces a kid to sit there chewing with their mouth open? Just in case, no it doesn't.

And stinks? ADHD does not make children stink. Poor and lazy parenting make kids stink because they have not taught and kept on top of proper hygiene habits with their child. And you mentioned before that ad has full custody of this kid, so no blaming BM on not teaching the kid.... both the table etiquette, the eating mannerism and the dirty hygiene and stink is on your SO.

And FWIW, it sounds like the kid needs a med eval, it may be the med isn't working any longer, or needs prescribed differently et. And I mention this because of school and potential ability to focus on doing evening homework, not because kid threw fit over having to do dishes. 

I want you to know this and accept it before you go any further with your SO. It's real easy to keep blinders on aka rosy colored glasses, and pretend (or delude yourself) into believing everything would be perfect with this man if he just didn't have that kid. It's not so. If you have children with this man and then leave him, this is how he would parent any future child you'd have when you weren't there to do all the parenting.

May I ask what it is about his other child (the nine year old who lives with BM2) that you have issues with? All your post have been about the 14yr old boy, but you mentioned you have issues with both children. 

Hairmoda's picture

He’s 10 and lives in Kingston with his mother full-time he hasn’t even seen his dad in six months. He says he hates me and thinks I’m mean and that I was raised by the devil. When I came into the relationship there were a few things that I wanted to change because my child was coming over and I didn’t think it was fair for his kids to be playing five hours of video games when mine was not allowed.  I talk to my boyfriend about some of the expectations that I had number one I didn’t want any iPads at the table while people are eating number two I limited video games to 1 to 2 hours a day and they had to be age-appropriate number three I didn’t allow him to eat food on the couch number for when I made dinner and he didn’t want to eat it I was very clear that he wouldn’t be getting any dessert after if he didn’t at least try his food. Everything was great  for the first little while and then me and him got into an argument because I asked him if he could take the dog for a walk and he said no and walked away I talk to him about respecting the household chores and that me and his father do so much that once in a while it’s expected that the kids help out. His mother essentially took his side and said that I came  into the relationship and just started making all these changes without thinking about the children’s feelings. She told me that videogames don’t make killers and I told her no but they sure make fat lazy kids .

Curious Georgetta's picture

He should  be loved by his parents and within his family. You are neither category.

I have trouble understanding the concept that a romantic partner has an obligation to love or even like your children.

What you have (same as the children ). Is an  obligation to be

unfailingly polite and as the adult sensitive to the needs of the child on those occasions when you encounter them.

You do not choose a companion, lover, and friend because you love or even like their children. You  may decide not to live together or marry because of your feelings about their children, but children are never the impetus for the relationship.

If you  are  finding it difficult to be in the company of the child and this is becoming an issue for your  partner, then the 2 of you have to decide if it is  deal breaker issue for your relationship.

 

i.am.mom.ad's picture

I have two kids of my own. DH has two kids. One of which lives with us. He is undiagnosed ADHD. This child drives me CRAZY, and every single day I wonder if it was the right decision to marry into this family. His bio mom is not in his life, so I have pretty much taken over the role of "mom", however I am not so sure I knew what I was signing up for.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

I did a quick check of your previous blogs. You can ask the question in multiple forms, but it is not the ADHD, it is your BF. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you need to recognise that and accept it, or you will go around in circles.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I thinks you're overanalyzing things in an attempt to avoid the simple truth: your different parenting styles make a relationship with this man unsustainable.

This is another one of those situations where the dad is such a crappy, clueless parent that no woman of decent character would put up with the crazy. And because it's crazy, any woman who tries to implement some boundaries or normal parenting strategies falls under attack from the lazy, deep in denial bio parents.

This is an unwinnable scenario, OP. Quit trying to rearrange the deck chairs on this sinking ship. Leave these losers parents to the mess they're so committed to making, and move on to something healthier for you and your child.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Run for the hills! You have a SO problem. He coddles his stinking, disobedient, disgusting, degenerate demonspawn.