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Anyone else feel like this?

Hayley1907's picture

Pretty nervous about posting on here but I’m hoping other people will feel the same and understand. My partner has a 5 year old and we have a 4 month old baby. We have SS every weekend. Before I had our little girl I loved my SS but having my own child has made me realise it’s a different kind of love. I’ll never love my SS In the same way as I love my own baby. Since the birth I’ve barely been able to tolerate my SS. He’s boisterous and clumsy and has almost fallen or stepped on the baby numerous times. We have to watch him constantly when he’s with the baby. My partner feels guilt over the break up with his ex and overcompensates with his son. At weekends I always feel that he makes him he centre of everything. It’s always about what he wants to do, what he wants to eat etc. my partner spends barely any time with the baby and doesn’t have much of a bond with her at all even though I don’t think that’s intentional. He just said this weekend he wants to spend the whole weekend doing stuff with his son. I feel resentful and neglected. I do everything at home and whilst he’s hard working he’s lazy around the house and doesn’t appreciate eveything I do. I do worry that our baby will get treated differently to his son simply because of the guilt. We have barely any time together because we have SS every weekend and that’s non negotiable. I would love some time just the three of us but it’ll never happen. Can’t count evenings as he gets in late and it’s dinner and bed. I feel awful resenting a 5 year old. He’s just a child but at the weekends I crave peace and quiet in my own home and instead I spend my weekends having to keep an eye on SS and the baby and constantly tidying and cleaning - I’m aware I probably need to let that go a bit as we have a family home but SS has all his toys downstairs all weekend when he has a huge room (bigger than the baby’s) upstairs. I feel my feelings of resentment are bringing a wedge between my partner and I. SS can be devious and aggressive and my partner gets very frustrated with him. But I find it even harder as he’s not my child! But I couldn’t ever tell my partner that. I’m so unhappy right now and wondering if this is as good as it gets?! 

secret's picture

Having love for a child doesn't change the fact that a brat is a brat is a brat.

It's not the boy you resent - it's the behaviors the boy exhibits - and the reactions from dad to those behaviors.

If he's being too noisy - it's the noise level you need to address - and if dad has the cojones to say he's just a kid - your response should be that's why parenting is required.

If the kid is too clumsy to be left around baby, that's what you deal with - if he's fooling around and it could get dangerous, that's what you address - SS, stop acting like that, you're going to hurt the baby. if you can't be careful, you'll have to play elsewhere.

DON'T clean up after SS - that's dad's job.

DO tell your partner that he is required to spend time with the baby as well, that SS isn't his only child.

Hayley1907's picture

You’re right and I’m lucky because my partner will always be on my side and discipline his son where necessary and not let him be rude or disrespectful towards me. Often if I don’t clear up the mess SS leaves then it won’t get done for some tone but you’re right I don’t need to do it. My partner adores his son and having him here but frequently insinuates how much hard work it is for him and makes out he does it all on his own. I often do bits for SS but that gets overlooked. I also know that men don’t find this newborn stage that exciting so I’ve put his lack of time with the baby down to that but really id like it if he could start spending a bit more time with the baby and treating them the same as much as possible. 

Rags's picture

You are right ... there is no need to negotiate the EOWE visitation schedule.  Nor does your DH have to take the Skid EOWE.  I think it is time to tune your DH on the need for at least one WE per month that is non Skid time.  The three of you (You, DH, DS) need some Skid free time.   For that one WE per month DH needs to just not take visitation.  That is the about the only advantage that an NCP has. While they get COd visitation ... they cannot be forced to actually take it if they choose not to.  If the NCP doesn't take the kid as scheduled... the CP still has to care for the kid.

Of course in intact initial families this is not how it works, but non full time resident kids do not get catered to just because they happen to be in the home they visit.  They integrate and the family does not do anything different when the Skids are visiting... or not.  The Skid integrates and the adults do what they normally do with any kids who are in the home whether they are full time or visitation residents.

I also understand that 1:1 time should happen periodically between a child and a parent regardless of  how many children are in the family.  Though every weekend SS in visiting is not all dad/Skid 1:1 time all of the time.

Your DH needs some clarity on this ... and he needs it now.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Hayley1907's picture

I agree with you but I just don’t think suggesting a SS free weekend would go down well at all. He wants us to be together ‘as a family’ as much as possible but the reality of that is at weekends he does exactly as he pleases which is play with his son while I care for the baby and do chores. I can’t just be home all weekend for the sake of being there. I like to get out and do things especially as im not working and therefore home a lot during the week. 

Of course I know that he needs 1:1 time with his son but I just hope in time he treats both children fairly.