Disengage because I care too much
I been with FH for over 4 yrs now. Living together for 2.5. We are set to marry this year.
No BM, she passed years before I arrived on scene. Skids are SD19 and SS13(soon 14).
i have 2 kids DD16 and DS12.
All kids live with us, mine 85% of the time. His 100%.
Over time I slowly engaged as needed. Most SM seem to jump in full force and regret it. I tip toed super slow. The last year has been the most involved.
I am at the point where I have to disengage more/1st time because I care TOO much and what I have done thus far or tried to do or offer hasn’t made a dent, impression or been valued by skids.
SD19 graduated HS, is doing poorly in community college, had an abortion this spring and continues on like everything is no big deal. She claims all kids her age live like she does and the fact she has a 12-15hr a week food job is apparently appalling to her peers and a nuisance to her. I told her that not ALL kids behave like her. Many are more advanced in college and some are fighting for our country, so it’s becsuse she only associates with those types that’s all she knows. I found out about her pregnancy first. I made her confess to her father and I accompanied her to the clinic 2 hrs away holding her hand the whole time. It’s only been 3 months and it wasn’t the wake up call I hoped it would be. Her life stayed the same and got crazier somewhat. She’s filthy and doesn’t clean her room car bathroom or laundry. Outwardly she appears clean/together. But open a car door or her bedroom door and it’s a whole other story.
SS13 is typical boy who doesn’t shower. He barely eats because he’s gaming 24/7. He’s grown only 1” in a year and he’s 80lbs. He stands 4’9” tall and will be a freshman in HS this Aug. not an arm pit hair in sight. he back talks to me and when I ask “excuse me!? Would you say that to your father?” He straight up said “no but I’m saying it to you”. I did tell his dad right away, who was at work. I used it as an example because FH has been talking about getting a job where he’s gone for months. I told him that is the behavior I can’t do when he’s gone. That’s my concern. If I even try to educate SS13 on anything whether it’s a new word (he forever asks what words mean when I use them or my kids-who read a lot and have large vocabularies) or about how he needs to eat to grow and how food is fuel. He basically does his version of fingers in ears saying “lalalala”. It’s very ridiculous. It’s as if he knows he’s about to learn something and doesn’t want to.
Ive tried to help SD19 with school, help her help herself, show her things, guide her. Help her with motherly advice about her body or life. Show her how to clean. How to dress for job interviews. Offered to teach her about budgeting. I’ve tried to help SS13 learn things, be supportive, be clean and grow.
I want all 4 of these kids to grow up and be successful and self supporting. I want to help both skids in school. And in life. I see SD19 going down a trashy path and it’s worse because FH sees/says that also. But it’s as if no matter what he or I do it doesn’t phase her.
So I have to disengage from comments from small chats with her. From suggestions to FH(some he’s taken and tried but he leaves loop holes and doesn’t close them so it’s pointless). From offering SS13 things like to go out with me to shop or lunch.
I care how they all turn out and I can’t get my hands in the pot enough to be respected and valued by skids so I gotta step back.
Theres no fighting in the house. Skids don’t run around like terrors, do drugs, or violent, or skip school. It’s just the little things that add up. The old “you can’t help those who can’t help themselves”