Does Anybody Get Anxiety when SKs come?
DH and I have been together for ten years and married for seven. He has two daughters; one that is 23, who doesn't talk to him, and one that is 21, who acts like a miniwife whenever she's around. She recently moved to another city 2 1/2 hours away with her BM to go to a nursing program. She currently comes once a month to stay for the weekend, friday through sunday, to work four hours on one saturday a month. Whenever she comes to visit, I get anxiety because she is a strong willed girl that if you say something to her in the wrong tone of voice, she has an attitude toward you. I feel like I walk on eggshells in my new home that her dad and I just moved into in October. She has only been here once and she walked in, dropped her stuff on the floor, played with the dogs and walked into our kitchen and started to go through our refrigerator and pantry to see what there was to eat. (I think that's totally disrespectful. Am I wrong to think that?) But when she moved with mom, she left some stuff with us and I had asked her when she was here if she was going to do something with her clothes that she bagged up and left for us to store in one of our other room closets. I didn't have an attitude with her and at the end of the conversation, just said ok after she rudely said I already talked to my dad about it. I mentioned to her dad about the conversation and it turns out she said I had an attitude toward her. I told him that I had already told him what I said and that she was a manipulating, lying brat. Whenever I know that she's coming to our house, I feel anxiety and dread her visit. I know that I shouldn't feel like this because it is my house but DH and I have never been united when it came to dealing with behavioral problems with his daughter. DH has never dealt with this kid and her behavior and if she tells him not to have an attitude toward her, he shuts up. During the girls high school years, DH had to work from 3pm to 11:30pm and wasn't home taking care of problems with the kids. The SD I'm talking about, is strong willed, thinks she's entitled to what she wants and is relentless until she gets what she wants, and acts like a total B****. Usually her BM gives in and does what she wants. DH has gradually stopped doing for her. I just don't know what to do. She is out off from school for 6 weeks from December to January and I already voiced my opinion that SD should not stay the whole time with us, even though she has not told him anything about being here during that time. I told him that she could stay part of the time but the whole time would be too long and that I didn't want her here. I also told him that she should not walk into our home and act like she owns this house because it is not her house and that she needs to show respect when she comes here and ask for stuff. I also told him that she needs to ask about coming here before she actually does, that this is our house and not hers. During the whole ten years of our relationship, we have never had any privacy in our relationship because we were living with his mom. I am so frustrated with myself for staying for as long as I have in this situation and putting up with the crap, now moving into a house that I have wanted for the past ten years of our relationship. I don't know what I should do to be tactful with his daughter when she comes to visit to have boundaries with her. I feel like my husband is not a help and doesn't have my back because he thinks I'm picking on his daughter. (He doesn't put boundaries on his daughter because he grew up without boundaries from his parents.) How do I handle this stuff? I literally don't like this kid and wish she would just stay away forever. I've tried to express my feelings to DH but he doesn't listen to me because he thinks I'm picking on her. But I finally told him that I'm not the one that has a problem with her; his daughter has had a problem with me since we started dating because she wasn't number one anymore. I need some help with how to handle having her here and not feeling like a meek little church mouse in my own home. If she stays here with us during her time out of school, I have a feeling that she is going to want a key to our house and DH will probably give it to her, even though he's the one that says nobody is getting a key to our house. How does everybody deal with their anxiety when their SKs come to visit and how does everybody talk to their DH about how they feel without making DH feel like they are attacking DH kids. Has anybody dealt with a problem like this and how did they handle it? Any suggestions on how to do things for me and not put my energy on her? Am I wrong to say that I don't like the kid and wish she wouldn't even come here? Thank you in advance for your advice.