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Should I Feel Guilty or Not

FrustratedandLost's picture

Ok, so I told my husband that I wanted to split the bank account and he got mad, which resulted in us getting into an argument about money, family, blah, blah, blah. He told me that we split the bills half and half and I told him when his kid moves in, he will pay 2/3 of the bills, since there's two of them. He was not happy about that. Needless to say, I haven't gotten my own account yet. The part I'm asking your opinion about is that I've been contemplating leaving him and I've been thinking about this for a while. I know that he will never change and I've been told that his family will always come first. My problem is that we just bought a house in 2021 and being the one that pushed so hard to buy a house and get out of his mom's house, I'm feeling a bit guilty about leaving my relationship. I know that he would be fine and being that his YSD is going to be graduating as a nurse in May, he would be fine. 

My question is, should I feel guilty about leaving or should I do what I have to do to make myself happy and say screw you? How did you handle your feelings and did you feel guilty? 


Survivingstephell's picture

Has he put in the effort for your marriage to make it better?  Does he handle SD so you don't have resentment?  Does he make your life easier?  From what you write that's a big NO.  Guilt about bailing on a mortgage is not a good reason to stay.  Guilt over having a bad picker and staying too long is what therapy is for.  He's balking at paying for HIS kid.  He's using your money, and making life hell.   

Have you told him what it would take to fix this? Can you articulate that to yourself, let alone him ?   There's no guilt in looking out for yourself and leaving a bad situation.  

FrustratedandLost's picture

I have talked DH to go to marriage counseling multiple times but he will not go because he had a bad experience with them when he was going through divorce with his ex. He says the counselor is not going to tell him how to live his life. I told him that he needs help, I need help, WE need help and he refuses. I told him if he wants a change between us then be the change. But he never acknowledges what he has done or said or doesn't do or doesn't say. It's always "you did this" or "you said that". YSD has got the same attitude as he does. The attitude of entitlement. I have tried to tell him that he doesn't support me and never has or that he doesn't stand up for me with his sister that he is close with and never has. He will never acknowledge that he's wrong. I tell him he's perfect and he says sarcastically, "yea, I'm perfect". To which I say you act like it and everyone else in the world has the problem. 

I know that I need to take care of myself and my happiness. I'm just scared of taking the first step toward peace and happiness. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

He refuses to get help because he doesn't think he needs any. Except your finances. All of the "you did this" and "you said that" is him trying to place 100% of the blame on you.

Hon, peace with this man is obviously you doing what he says, keeping your mouth shut, and giving him and his your hard-earned money. 

I know it's scary, but life is short and you can only rely on yourself for happiness. The others you allow into your life should add to your happiness. Love yourself enough to rid yourself of the toxic. You're worth it and you deserve it.

Winterglow's picture

Don't feel guilty for insisting on buying a house - he's the one who should be ashamed of living with his mommy and making his wife live there too. You made him make a grown-up decision, you should be proud of that. Don't feel guilty about the mortgage, you can offer him a choice - either he buys you out or you sell the house. His call.


ESMOD's picture

So, are his two kids going to live in the home full time? or is it still long school breaks etc?  

To be honest, splitting finances and assigning relative share of obligation can be done a variety of ways.. Just because his daughters stay there some during the year.. does not necessarily mean that he would pay 2/3 of the cost of the home and utilities.

In fact.. it's possible that the mortgage pmt might be something you decide is an investment that you split 50/50 as you will also split those proceeds 50/50.  But utilities.. groceries.. internet.. other utilities maybe you split those in line with how many people are in the home on at least some temporary full time basis (like if they just come for summer break... he pays more then.. but not when they are at school). I think both girls are adults.. if they are working.. perhaps expecting some rent or contribution towards pmt of things they use would be reasonable.. but based on your other post about YSD refusing to empty a dishwasher.. she seems to be resentful of you.. so this is something that HE should be dealing with.. and you should be conveying your frustration of having people in the house that can't aid in simple things that keep the household going.

But.. if you are not up for the stress and drama? and you don't want to stay with him.. logistics like when you bought a home?  

You will likely feel some guilt.. but some blame is also squarely in his lap.. like most breakups.. it's not black and white.  Only you can know whether the good outweighs the bad.

FrustratedandLost's picture

Only YSD still has something to do with DH. YSD is the oly one that would live with us. OSD hasn't lived with us for about four years and she doesn't contact DH except when it comes to car insurance, which thankfully, she got kicked off our insurance to get her own this month. 

I feel anxiety when YSD is in our home for a weekend once a month b/c if you talk to her in a way that's not baby like, she says you have an attitude. So, I feel anxiety. I don't want to deal with that and I know DH will not back me up or support me. I would like peace in my life. I'm going to be 50 this year and the thought about having to walk on eggshells in my house, does not appeal to me. DH will never deal with YSD because he never has. 

When we get along we get along good. But when I speak up for myself, he gets mad and won't talk to me so I just carry on and figure it's his problem. But I don't say anything about my opinions because I know he will shoot me down. I tend to do that with his sisters that come to our house too. They say I have an attitude if I stand up for myself. So I keep this bottled up inside me. I just don't know what to do at this point. Part of me doesn't want to live with YSD because I know I will have anxiety but part of me feels guilty because I would be leaving DH. 

Winterglow's picture

So decide to own your "attitude". This is just their way of keeping you in line. Why the HECK should you comply? You have every right to express your opinion, especially in your home. They don't like it? Heh, TUFF! Stand up for yourself, speak your mind. Ask your husband if he wants to be responsible for the demise of your marriage.

thinkthrice's picture

Will turn against H and then you will be blamed for it since personal responsibility doesn't seem to be his or his offspring's strong suit.  Believe me I know the syndrome.  

Are there enough positives to outweigh the negatives?  If the negatives are in the majority and H shows no personal responsibility, then it's time to plan your exit. 

hereiam's picture

If you decide to leave, you should not feel guilty, your husband has brought this on, himself.