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Am I Wrong?

FrustratedandLost's picture

So this recently happened. My 22yo SD text my DH and told him she had a couple packages being sent to our house. They were a couple fire pits that she wants to sell. I asked why is she sending them to our house instead of her mom's house? He said why do you care? I told him that I don't want her thinking that we are going to be a storage unit for her and that she's going to pack our room in our home with a bunch of her stuff like she did at his mom's house. He siad he told her that she needs to sell it or send it back. I don't believe him when he says that. My thing is why are we having to store her stuff here? He got mad and said that I was being selfish and that he wishes I had kids so that he could rag on my kids. I told him if I had kids, they would be taught to help out at home and wouldn't be raised to be disrespectful brats. He says I don't want to help her out and I said why should I help her when she doesn't lift a finger to help when she's here? I told him that whenever he tells SD to ask me if she can do something, all she does is ask why and he doesn't make her ask me. To me, this is disrespectful to me as the other owner in this house and as his wife.

SD stayed most of the summer with us and didn't do anything to help out. Then on the day SD went back to her mom's house, SD made about ten trips to her car with stuff she had in the room and a pile of cardboard boxes she had broke down. I couldn't believe it. SD wanted a key to our house and I told him that she was not getting a key to our house and she kept asking why and he told her because I said. SD mumbled under her breath down the hall I don't know why I can't have a key to the house. Everytime DH tells SD no or asks her something, she asks why? SD tells DH you wouldn't be asking if you didn't have a reason so why? It's ridiculous. 

My question is, was I wrong to put my foot down or try to put my foot down, that we are not going to be a "storage unit" for his SD's stuff? She already has boxes of stuff in our garage that she didn't take to her mom's house and is not taking with her. 


ESMOD's picture

It seems odd that she wouldn't have things sent to the home where she lives.  

Hey.. DH.. do ya think that possibly there is a reason she doesn't send it to her mom' it becomes an issue for her mom when she fills her place with her junk?  Why should we be any more accomodating than her mother wants to be?  

FrustratedandLost's picture

I have a theory that since she pushed older sister out of DH life, that she wants to keep her relationship with him tight knit so she does whatever she can to make him stay on her side. Thus, he doesn't listen to me and tells me I'm two-faced because I'm nice to SD when she's in my home and talk crap behind her back. I told him that I am nice to her because I'm not going to live in hell when she's here meaning, if you use the wrong tone of voice with her, she has an attitude and doesn't talk to me and I'm tired of walking on eggshells when she is here. I get anxiety when I know she's coming because my chest starts to tighten up and I don't even feel comfortable in my home. All of which I told my DH and he brushed it off like I was being ridiculous. 

CLove's picture

Reading your previous posts and then this one - time to really consider the long-term on your relationship.

He will always prioritize his daughter over you.

You will always be made out to be the a$$hole.

You will always be treated like this.

No you are within your rights to put your foot down on being a storage unit for SD's sh!t.

SteppedOut's picture

Yea.... just this interaction/conversation sounds... like you and your husband are not a good match. 

Winterglow's picture

She needs a storage unit? Then make a gift of one... Send all of her crap to a storage unit and tell her that you have very generously paid for the first month and after that it's up to her. Might teach her to manage her stuff a bit better when she has to make decisions. Your home is not a dump,

Your husband needs to understand the difference between his love nest and his kids nursery. 

Merry's picture

Ooof, this is a lot of aggravation over a couple of packages. But then it's not really about the packages I bet.

Why is she having things shipped to you instead of where she is living? If she's away at school I can sort of understand it, and maybe she chose DH over BM exactly for the reasons you describe.

From your other posts, it looks like your DH will always choose SD over you. So you either need to find a way to live with that (disengage and stop caring about what she does) or reevaluate if this is the life partner you want.

If you choose disengagement, then the conversation would have been basically this: Your DH tells you SD is shipping packages to your house. Your response is something like "that's nice" and you change the subject. Then when the packages arrive, put them somewhere that you don't have to look at them.

If it turns out that she IS using your house as a storage facility, then you talk to DH about the problem that is causing, not about SD directly. "DH, all these packages in the garage prevent me from getting my car in there. What can we do about that?" The fight might start again if your DH turns it into "you just hate my kid," but that will be him gaslighting you.

notarelative's picture

A couple of fire pits she wants to sell...

I think I would have told DH that I was confused. How would SD sell the fire pits if she wasn't there? Would he be involved in the transaction? Why not just sell them from where they were now?

Shipping them to your house to sell them makes no sense to me. Shipping can be expensive.

Winterglow's picture

Ask him who he's married to. Then ask him if at age 22i if he seriously considers her to be a child. 

missgingersnap2021's picture

You post sruck a cord with me. SD17 (almost 18) started over the least 2 years bringing over less and less things and bringing things back to her moms. I loved it becuase I saw it as her phasing out of wanting to stay here. Then what happens? BM sold their house and is renting a much smaller townhouse so SD brought her Americal Doll crap over here and is storing it in her closet! Its not a big deal but it was nice thinking that soon all her stuff would be out of here. 

FrustratedandLost's picture

It's ridiculous how these SK think they can just do what they want, whenever they want because they think their parent has a house. My DH didn't communicate with me or ask me about what I thought about his daughter bringing her stuff or keeping her stuff here. I was not happy and was hoping that none of her stuff would be here but we have boxes here of her stuff and he gets so defensive if I bring it up that we don't need to be a storage unit for her stuff.