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Officially Disengaging from SD

TrueNorth77's picture

So much happening. So so much. I'll try to make it as brief as possible. 

I was visiting friends this wknd so DH had skids all to himself. Sorry not sorry. Apparently SD14 demanded money for a homecoming dress, after both DH and I just talked to her on Monday about her needing to ASK for things and not demand. DH got pissed and told her again she needs to ask, not expect and demand, and said he told SS17 the same thing when SS demanded DH give him $ for a tux. SD Snottily told DH "yeah and mom paid for all of SS's tux anyway". Which is absolutely not true- DH gave SS $. He asked SD if she'd like to see the Venmo receipt, but she ignored him because she only wants to believe what Crazy tells her. DH said he didn't talk to her much and he's over her and her  "mom does everything" attitude. SD told him Crazy is her only friend, and SD stays up til after 4am each night so she can sleep all day while crazy is at work and then be ready to stay up late with her when she gets home. I just can't. It's the most codependent crap I've ever seen. And Even though Crazy tried to get DH to pay for SD's cellphone by saying her bill was already "so high", SD came to our house days later with a new manicure.

So this is where I decided I'm done. Today DH had a status conference for the Contempt of Court hearing. Which, as it turns out, was a complete and utter waste of time. We knew this was a probability but we're so exhausted with Crazy's harassment we were willing to take the chance. But when she also filed for COC against DH and the judge got a GAL involved, our filing, which is what started this all and was completely valid, was completely lost in the shuffle. DH doesn't think the judge even read his filing. So today, the judge basically said If DH and Crazy agree on a punishment for violating the CO/communication guidelines, he could put that in place. But otherwise there was no reprimand, nothing, and all the GAL said was that she "talked to SD's therapist and SD seems to be improving". The end, case closed. Except for some reason, Crazy got a chance to rant to the judge about how "she knows DH very well, and she knows it's not him writing most of the messages in OFW, because it doesn't sound like DH, so it's Truenorth writing the messages". In her COC filing, she had said skids "repeatedly told her Truenorth writes messages on OFW when DH is sleeping. Sigh. I have never. Not even once. It's always DH. I don't even have his password and the OFW app is face-protected on his phone. 

Anyway, since this was brought up again today and I was dropping SD off at Crazy's, I decided to ask her if she had ever told her mom that I wrote the messages. And guess what? She said she did. I was shocked and asked why she would say that or think that. She said "you told me you did". Nope, sure didn't. I was LIVID. She has been telling her mom almost everything we/I say, and exaggerating it, which we knew from messages from Crazy to DH, but this takes the cake. It's not a joke, it ended up in front of a judge, even though it's a total lie. I asked SD if me sending messages to her mom while her dad is asleep sounds like something I would tell her. She didn't say anything. As she was getting out of the car I told her to have a good week and she Snottily said "I will be telling the GAL my observations and then you all will find out what I said". Is that a threat? What is she going to tell the GAL, I do nothing except help her. This week alone i did so much crap for her, and now I feel like an idiot because she just uses me to get what she wants and then runs to her mom and tells her everything I say and twists it to make it sound bad. I'm DONE.

DH got home from work and I told him she can stay at her moms for all I care and I started crying because I was so mad. I told him I will be polite to her but that's it. He was pissed, at her. He said I shoudn't do anything for her anymore and definitely don't buy her anything. He said he dreads her coming over each time now because he knows it won't go well. She is so brainwashed, she will believe anything Crazy tells her, and we will always be wrong. He also doesn't want to take her with us to Italy in spring (we have been planning on taking both skids) because every time he talks to her about it she is completely disinterested. He thinks she doesn't even want to go. He thinks we should both just back off from her and not even try to teach her the life lessons we have been trying to instill, because she isn't listening. All she wants is her mom.

I'm thankful he's so understanding and agreeable of my decision to disengage from her, but also sad for him that he's in this position now with a PAS'd daughter. We still hope that she will make friends in high school and that may help, but who fricking knows at this point. DH said, of course the difficult one has to be the youngest. 

SS17 told DH this wknd that he's just biding his time at his moms, but he has come to the realization that his mom and his aunt (his moms twin) are both crazy. And we don't even call her that around him!

And while yes, SS17 has been great, DH just told me last night that not only has he not been making SS pay for his car Ins and another bill he owes DH like they had agreed on, SS has blown over $7,000 on his gf and just doing whatever the F he wants in the past year!! He has been repeatedly lectured about his spending but doesn't listen. So what did DH do, instead of making SS pay the bills they agreed on and learn about $ management? He gave SS a few hundred dollars when SS blew spent all of his $, even though SS has a job... I just can't...



Survivingstephell's picture

Time to drop the rope and leave them at BM's.  No more forcing visitation and no more watching any extra money fly out the door.  Is your money separate? Is any of your money going towards SS?  If so that's where my hill to die would be.  

Seriously, stop chasing them.  Don't ruin your trip to Italy taking them. I was reading how they are gouging the tourists, can you imaging SD in that environment? Demanding things just to piss away money for the fun of it?   Nope.  

TrueNorth77's picture

Hell yes we have separate finances! And we will until both skids are out of college, or we retire. I am not on board with how DH spends money on SS especially (aka the Golden child), and I already am 100% sure SS will blow money at college or eat out instead of on his meal plan and then beg DH for $ (Not Crazy, only DH), and DH will give it to him wthout ever asking SS if he's asked his mom for money also. Now, DH would never not take SS to Italy, and if anything he would allow SS to come here more, because SS can do no wrong. Blowing through every cent he earns aside, SS is a really good kid, and has plans for college (out of state, woohoo!!!) with a seemingly bright future and is already taking/has taken college courses in High School. I get along with SS great and he can be fun to talk to. But do I think Italy with SS will be fun? Absolutely not. Do I want either of them to come? Also no. DH knows there's a chance SS will be underwhelmed but remains hopeful. I just think it's a week I will have to power through, even though I won't enjoy much of it.

I hate that SS has blown through $, DH has bailed him out repeatedly, and I'm trying not to have resentment about it with SS, although it's hard. 

AgedOut's picture

what would happen in he stopped arranging for SD to come to your house? would she just not bother or would Crazy demand he take her spy so she can get dirt on your house? 


if she did come could you step away, you personally? could/would you be able to just drop the rope, no rides, no eating out, nothing w/ you at all? 

I think that's where I'd be if I had to deal w/ her. I think I'd also put in cameras in the public areas of the house so you don't get accused of anything next time she "talks to the GAL" and the trip? since she shows no interest, stop mentioning it near her and plan to not take her since she is showing zero interest in going.

TrueNorth77's picture

The custody change each week just happens with no needed coordinating since Crazy lives a very short distance away and SS is 17 and just drives them. In the past, SD has told Crazy she doesn't want to come, but she comes anyway. Not sure who makes that happen, but I honestly don't think Crazy wants more custody, or she would have asked for it, especially with this golden opportunity of the COC fiasco going on. And her accusing us of being terrible parents and bad for SD's mental health, request for change of custody. *ok*  So if SD starts not wanting to come again, idk if Crazy will make her? SS only has 1 more year before college and SD won't be able to drive yet so there will be a period where SD will need to be driven back and forth to Crazy's for custody change...

I am definitely at a point where I can step away and be polite but do nothing for her. I already don't enjoy taking her places, so have backed off of that. I had hesitation about talking to her previously after she ran and told her mom something I said that got twisted and turned into this "awful" thing, but I let it go. Now that I know how often it happens, I'm done. She just lost the #1 person on her side to do a foreign exchange program her Jr. year. DH told her the other day that her attitude is crap and at this rate she isn't going to be able to go. 

Yesterdays's picture

It seems like a sort of turning point here because of how SD treated you and what she said to you. Threatening you about telling stories to GAL and making up lies that end up having an impact. Maybe he can just visit her outside of the home. I don't think I would want to be around her whatsoever because of those most recent actions. Acting that way, lying about things you did, to counsellors and whatnot and then being all snotty about it  I think that's some pretty serious stuff that needs some harsh boundaries and consequences so she doesn't get away with it. She needs to be put in her place in a bad way. And I would not take her to Italy. It's rewarding the behavior or ignoring it. Someone acting that way should not go on a nice trip. 

Hastings's picture

Exactly. Boundaries and tough lessons here. And in no way, shape or form would I take her to Italy (or anywhere, really). If she genuinely doesn't want to go, then you and DH are spared her attitude. If she does want to go, but is just acting out, she gets a lesson in how to behave. Whether or not she actually learns from that lesson is up to her. I doubt she'll learn, but you will have done what you can.

TrueNorth77's picture

Absolutely a turning point. It does make me sad because as much as I vent about it here, I have always (aside from a few blips) had a good relationshp with her. I've heard her repeatedly defend me and DH to Crazy on the phone. But she is now so PAS'd out she actively tells Crazy everything I say and twists things to make me look bad. I hope someday it turns around, but for now I'm done with it. I will be polite, but that's it. I think DH will talk to her when she comes here, and he actually said yesterday that he almost text her "We are going to talk when you come here next", but that's a whole week away so he decided against it. She needs to understand this isn't ok and no matter what her intentions are, when she tells her mom things and twists them, it escalates. You don't get to treat people this way and be treated exactly the same in return. I am so thankful that the things she has said have been things where DH has absolute proof that they aren't true, so there's no chance he might doubt if they are true. He knows I can't get into his OFW app and he would see the messages anyway, and in the past when SD said I "hit her", in all 4 versions of her story, DH was supposedly right there when it happened, so he knows it's a lie. 

I hope he decides she isn't coming to Italy, because it's going to be a crappy trip if she does. 

CajunMom's picture

Well, you now have all the proof you need...this girl put you and your DH in front of a judge with her lies. 

I suggest a full disengagment. Do not do one thing for her, do NOT be alone with that girl ever and don't fall for the fake apologies once your disengagement starts impacting her. Civil but superficial in interactions with her but again, do NOT ever be ALONE with that girl again. You know her depth of lies now...protect yourself.

Yesterdays's picture

I agree I would never be alone with her again either due to the recent actions. I wouldn't trust her in any way shape or form.  She's really acting manipulative and cunning 

notarelative's picture

Take to Italy? Not me. I'd fear that if Dad didn't cater to her wishes, she'd make something up that would get the Italian authorities involved. 

CLove's picture

Thats horrible. Im sorry shes doing that to you, shes old enough to know beter, but young enough not to know the repercussions to her own life by doing this. Shes too entertwined with toxic BM.

Having had snotty mc snotterson experiences as well from SD17 PSCPS, I know the pain and grieving the relationship you had hoped for...

TrueNorth77's picture

As much as I struggle with the SM role, I have had a good relationship with SD. To see it go downhill is really disheartening. It may change, but I definitely am not going to keep this pattern going, so I don't see a choice but to back off from it all. 

Winterglow's picture

" He also doesn't want to take her with us to Italy in spring "

I can't say I blame him. The damage a surly, sulky teen can do to a vacation is beyond all imagination. If she goes, she will cause trouble the entire time, won't want to do anything, go anywhere, eat anything other than McDonalds, and generally spoil it for everyone else. Please don't take her - it costs too much to go to Italy and have the entire stay ruined. If she wants to know what she's not going, "we're sure you'll enjoy yourself so much more when your mother takes you". Then let her go and nag her mother (evil grin).

TrueNorth77's picture

Haha, DH does use that line sometimes. Skids ask us for the most expensive things. "We should go to Japan". DH will say, ask your mom to take you, knowing full well she will never take them anywhere. *biggrin* I am dreading the trip to Italy with just SS or with both skids- I think they will be bored and not appreciate it and I am absolutely positive it will not be fun.  

Winterglow's picture

Why not make it a romantic trip? Second honeymoon? No need for the skids - if you feel inclined to invite them to your second home you will have ample time in the future. Do not allow negative influences to spoil your happy places, just don't.

Stepmonster15's picture

Good lawd reading through your post gave me chills. Ss12 is a nightmare, ss9 actually isn't bad ( I enjoy his company ). Ss12 is so brainwashed and manipulated he full on believes his dad abandoned him and abused him, he doesn't do anything, pay child support, and all this crazy crap. 

It's good to see that your DH is supportive. 


Definitely push the no Italy for yout SD though... that's some crock of crap. She won't appreciate it, why bother and spend the money? 

TrueNorth77's picture

You are dealing with the same thing! It is unreal what these kids can be brainwashed to believe. Once when SD was very young she had seizures and was not breathing, no pulse. DH found her and picked her up, threw her in the car and raced into town to the hospital while giving her CPR, which saved her life. Crazy has somehow convinced her that DH "could have killed her and broke her ribs", and that DH didn't do the right thing. No matter if Dr's tell her differently, she will believe her mom. She is so far gone. 

Anyway, DH just brought up Italy again and said he has decided he's 99% sure SD isn't coming to Italy. Now he needs to decide if we go with no kids or if we bring SS. 

Cover1W's picture

Oh yes. This would have been us if court actions were done. I'm so glad that hasn't happened. But we have the same SD. Clearly.

We're now dealing with YSD17 college asks. I have no idea where that is because none of my info is to be given unless it's FAFSA required.

Fun times.

Disengagement will save your sanity. Keep on it. And if your DH invites her to Italy? As my DJ did to England? He pays all of her expenses, he caters to her, deals with ALL of it. You still do nothing with her there. I can think of 1000 things to do just sitting here!

TrueNorth77's picture

I just went and read your blog about PAS and your SD's and yikes, we do have the same SD. Barring a miracle, I foresee SD trying to be by her mom more and rarely coming here also (although in our state they don't just get to decide where they want to go as a teen- the custody agreement is upheld unless changed), especially after the conversation DH and I had tonight and the way he wants to approach this now. Without saying the word disengage, he told me to COMPLETELY disengage, and listed all of the things he wants me to stop doing for her, including not even bothering to say hi (i get a grunted greeting sometimes) or cook for her. He repeatedly told me to NOT CAVE and start doing nice things for her. And he plans on stepping back also, because he's been trying to hard and is just spinning his wheels getting nowhere. He said he thinks she needs to learn what a disengaged Truenorth looks like, because he thinks she's manipulating me. 
And he has decided he is 99% sure she is not coming to Italy! Woohoo!! Now he is trying to decide what to do about SS- if he still comes or not. 

Cover1W's picture

Great! My DH was the opposite. Even as OSD became worse and worse he was frustrated with me for not trying harder.

Just last month ha asked ME why I've not 'helped' - !! Because she hates my guts? Because she stopped interacting nicely with me long before you? Because she does not care, to this day? Ok then, I'll try contacting her DH. I did, and was promptly blocked.

She has major issues. She has mommy issues too. Just a whole cluster of insanity.

Harry's picture

Set up your own bank account.  That you put money into it.  DH must come up with more money to run your home.  To make people for money you are putting away for yourself,,   More household money equals less SK money. Equals more money in your account.

Rags's picture

it is tolerated.

No more backsliding on holding them accountable, and no more tolerating their shit or DH not sticking to his current stance.

The never ending... one.... more... chance......  that is prevalent in so many Sparent/blended family marriages is beyond comprehension to me.

We avoided the never ending money suck of sending a COD to college by guiding SS to join the military where he could finish growing up and getting his education on his own time and his own dime... and the tax payers.  We would have provided a univesity education anywhere on the planet he wanted to go, applied for, and was accepted to.  When he told us he was not ready to put in the effort and it that it would be a waste of his time and our money... we believed him and went with the full on burning platform to get him to launch. Which he has done spetacutlarly well.  We never had to cut him off, he was immediately self supporting once he came to the realization that getting paid for his time and labor rather than being our live in beck and call boy 24/7 for room and board was his only other real choice.

At some point, parents of these failing near adults and adults have to let them suffer the consequences of their choices.