A sh*t show of a week
I am seriously on the struggle bus here, and my daily mantra now is how does this seem to be getting harder instead of easier?? SS is 17, about to apply for colleges. SD is 14 this week and starts a job (yes a job!!!) next week. She will finally have some semblance of a life and be out of the house sometimes, so it feels like it should be getting better...but DH is on the guilty parent train and it is so hard to watch.
We got in a huge argument last week about skids, which lasted all week. It was based on DH not wanting to parent and of course me being the bad guy. I did my own thing and had plans so wasn't home much at all. DH should have had plenty of opportunities to spend quality time with skids, but later he told me he "didn't make much of an effort and didn't spend time with them so he felty guilty", and ended up treating SD like she was 7 all day Sat. Every time I looked at him he was making faces at her, would literally stop listening to our neighbor that stopped outside to talk to us, because SD looked bored and I know he felt bad and heaven forbid SD just sit there for 15 mins while adults talk, so he would just ask SD some random boring question while our neighbor was in the middle of a sentence. "Did you talk to your friends? What were you doing in your room before, tik tok? Oh ok". Constant side hugs, putting his hand on her head, it just went on and on. I got one peck from DH all day, and I hate that I sound jealous or that DH can't seem to show his wife the same amount, or even a partial amount, of the affection he shows SD. It's really just that we weren't in a great place this week and then while I was getting no affection, he was being way too much with her. He's always been somewhat like this, but it has escalated tremendously since SD made her suicidal threats- even though she's on meds and you can see a complete difference, and even though the therapist told DH SD is being manipulative...he's still in full-on over-the-top mode. I told him he's treating her like she's 7. While our neighbor was talking, SD asked DH to play Uno and he would never tell her this is not the time, wait 10 mins, so they started playing Uno and basically ignoring the neighbor. She is 14!!! SD has actually been great to me, except the past 2 days when she suddenly decided fo ignore me for no discernible reason.
Skids left today, DH works til 3am, and I have the house to myself- I have been looking forward to this SO much. Then a few hours ago SS calls me and says Crazy was out of state this wknd and her flight and "all flights out of Denver were canceled", and then stumbled through a story about how DH hasn't really wanted them to stay home alone because of SD's mental health, so can they stay here? 1. Why is he calling me? He always calls DH. That alone is fishy. 2. Why didn't Crazy send DH a message in OFW? Oh that's right, because they have competing contempt of court filings and she's afraid this will look bad, so she doesn't want it documented. 3. DH is fine with them staying alone overnight- SD is alone at Crazy's from 7am-5pm every day, and SS will be there tonight. Why is this different? DH even said he thinks it's ok, but is hesitating only because Crazy is making it a thing.
4. Even if SD hadn't had issues, Crazy would still be asking this. She doesn't think they should ever stay home alone at night. So we are supposed to do what she wants.
5. Crazy has a sister that lives in town, and a 24yr old son. Ask them!!
I was absolutely fuming that she had the nerve to have SS call me, when her contempt of court filing was filled with completely made up stories about me, and how "SD doesn't feel comfortable around Truenorth". Ok, then ask your sister or son to watch them! I called DH and gave him the lowdown, and he sent her a message on OFW and also googled it - her flight did get canceled but not "all flights out of Denver". I told him I was pissed and he agreed it's BS, but also said "well they're my kids, this isn't just their home til they leave on Monday". I mentioned the constant lies and shit-talking and COC filing, and said now I'm expected to take them? I really needed this night to myself. I told him he can tell her no- just once I would love for him to proactively do that, Instead of him just wanting to bend to her will and do things how she wants to and expecting me to go along with it, and making me be the bad guy by saying no. So we argued about that a bit and apparently now Crazy is trying to get a flight to a nearby airport and said she will "let him know if they need to come by us". Like she has already decided that's what's happening if she can't get a flight. DH said he would use his last 6hrs of vacation and come home so I wouldn't have to be alone with them- which honestly is just worse because then it's one more night of watching him treat SD14 like a toddler, so I told him absolutely not, and I would stop giving him a hard time and help him if he needed it. Even though it's really helping that dumb box.
I was fully expecting a message from DH saying they are coming tonight, but he just messaged me saying Crazy didn't get a flight home but skids are staying at her house tonight. Which is great, but this has still ruined my night.
The thought of doing this for 4 more years keeps seeming harder and harder. I need to disengage more. How is it getting harder instead of easier??
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If this is happening in real time today, the weather is perfect
If this is happening in real time today, the weather is perfect in Denver and there are no problems at the airport. Her flight may have been cancelled, but it was just her flight. Not sure what other airport she would go to around here that would make any sense.
Anyway, I am so sorry your evening was ruined! I agree, there was no need for those kids to come to your house.
Yep, real time!
We were able to google and find what has to be her flight (yes canceled), and also see that there was not some mass cancellation in Denver. This was all exaggerated to add to the drama and demonstrate there was no possible way for Crazy to get home. And yes these things happen! But you sure as shit better call your sister or son before you think of calling me.
Sorry you're going thru this
Your post made me remember the days when the SKs, DH, BM and the whole situation made me want to tear out all my hair, piece by piece. You seemed to be venting, not actually needing advice so vent away!
The overall picture is good with SD starting her job and SS getting ready to apply for college. The end is in sight but these summers are so tough.
Regarding your SD, if your DH is like mine, even the tiniest hint of criticism turns him defensive. The only thing that works is concern for SD. "DH, I worry about SD. Sometimes she seems so needy and oblivious of other people like (examples). I worry that others will misjudge her. She's so (good qualities,). Sometimes, I'm afraid other people will (get the wrong idea about her/be turned off/whatever negative you can think of)". I've been surprised how effective this approach has been, it's like DH was blind to my SD's effect on others.
Oh, This is good
The old compliment sandwich, right? The issue is softened by compliments/positive comments on either end. I may have been too harsh in my approach on Sat, when DH was fawning over SD and then wanted to get nakey with me later, but I was NOT feeling it after getting zero affection myself. I laid out the situation to DH, all of it. Thinking back, it was honest but I also know he's trying his best with her and doesn't really know what he's doing. It doesn't excuse directing all affextion at her. But I feel like I am often critical of his parenting and need to scale it back, or phrase it differently at least. Disengage, disengage, disengage...
What I think my counselor was trying to convey
When I went to counseling due to all the step trauma and DH and I growing apart because of it, my counselor strongly recommended spending more time with DH. At the time, I took this to mean more date nights and yes, that helped. I also re-engaged and began going on more of the family events which I'd avoided (and you would, too, with 5 kids). But, I realize now the deeper meaning was to stand by DH in everything. So, when I talked to him about my SD "concerns", he seemed to see it as an ally giving him constructive suggestions about a person we mutually cared for. Before that, he saw me as an outsider criticizing his loved one so got defensive
I hope I'm making sense here. These summers are so very tough.
Absolutely
I appreciate the feedback from what you've experienced. There are times I can tell DH sees me as an ally, and we talk about skids and troubleshoot, etc. But then there are times where I come to him with an issue and he has his mind set that he is right and I'm the adversary that is criticizing his kids and saying they are bad kids (I have literally never said that- I tell him they are good kids). I don't even say they are bad kids on this site, I just vent. The issues definitely arise when I bring up something a skid has done and he either doesn't want to deal with it, or he thinks I'm criticizing them. I do believe I need to scale back the amount of complaints and introduce more positive feedback.
Summers are the worst!
Summers are H3LL!!!
Summers are H3LL!!! Especially when dealing with guilt-riddled disneyland parents.
Good thing your SKs have something to do.
Yeah I get annoyed af too when I see excessive coddling/'mini-wife' syndrome going on. And of course those skids lap up the extra attention and (subconsciously probably enjoy triangulating DH away from you)
I personally think it only get easier IF the bio parents are emotionally healthy; the skids have SOMETHING productive to do (vs laying around the house/calling 24/7 just to wreak havoc in marital relationships); and the skids are successfully launched after highschool.
If none of the above, then abort the mission or prepare to dr*nk/dr*g yourself into accepting the shitty status quo
Absolutely
I am really counting on things to improve when SD starts her job. It just has to. If not I'm definitely moving to Plan B, which is the drinking myself into accepting it...
Time for some real time immediate correction of DH stupidity.
1. "DH, stop being rude, stop playing whiney voice with SD, and pay attention to the adult conversation with (neighbor.)" In front of neighbor, SD, and anyone else present. You might as well make it a real time lesson for daddy and his mini-wife.
2. "DH, you need to be cautious before you give the impression that SD is your incestuous lover. You are more affectionate with her than you with your wife and I, your wife, do not appreciate it." Again, in front of whoever is presen twhen he is being affectional with his mini-wife.
3. "A potentially legimately suicidal kid noes not need a ball-less whiney father sniffing after them like a whipped puppy. That kid needs a confident assertive engaged father who sets and enforces expecations for that kid. Particularly when the kid's therapist has told you that she is manipuliating." Again, again, in front of whoever is there when DH is sniffing after SD with his tail between his legs. Another opportuntiy to deliver a humiliating ass baring lesson to daddy and his spawn.
4. "DH, you will immediatley reply to BM, in OFW, about not contacting you about her missed flights and for pawning her cowardly crap off on SS. BM does not want this in OFW, you damned sure beter make sure it gets in there. Do not loose your balls on this. It is not a good look to your wife, the SKids, or the courts and demonstrates to BM that you are a coward." - That he already got in OFW, this time, is a good thing. Though not a notable effort considering his near total lack of testicular fortitude.
5. "DH, you will NOT use your vacation to cater to BM or the SKids. THat is not only YOUR time. THat is our time that we cannot spend together, going on trips, etc.. because you continue to insist of being the ball-less beck-and-call boy for BM. KNOCK IT OFF!"
Be direct, bare his ass in the most public venue possible and keep rubbing his nose in the stanky stain where his balls fell off and were captured by BM and kept in her purse.
So many SParents tolerate this kind of crap. Our mate is OUR mate.They are no longer the mate of their poor choice in past breeding experiments. That so many let their X own them is pathetic beyond toleration. As the actual mate, we need to plant the flag and defend that hill until either our mate grows a set or... completely caves in which case they should be the SParents X as immediatley as practicable.
IMHO of course.