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Disengaging so far

TrueNorth77's picture

Welp. Skids came to us Monday, and this is my first week of disengagement. DH wasn't going to even talk to SD14 about her telling Crazy that I write messages in OFW (lie), but it happened anyway. She told DH she made an appt with her new guidance counselor to "talk to her about her foreign exchange program". DH laughed and said, you're joking right? She asked why that was funny and he told her she was out of her mind if she thought her behavior warranted us agreeing to let her be an exchange student. He said, don't forget that Truenorth and I have to give you permission and right now we wouldn't do that because your attitude is shit. 

Then he went off on her about telling Crazy I write messages in OFW, and asked why she would ever say or think that. SD said "well she could write messages when you're sleeping...". DH was big mad and said No, we don't want to talk to your mom! We don't care about her, and that would only be more contact with her! He told her I don't even have access to OFW so that I don't have to be exposed to the crap written on there. He told her that I spent so much time looking for homecoming dresses for her and helping find Info about her exchange program, buying bras, and this is what she does? He told her I don't have to do any of that for her and he's told me not to do it anymore. I have to say, I'm a bit surprised at how much he has my back on this, but also extremely happy. I don't want it to be this way. But it's way easier when he's not fighting me.

I planned to be cordial to SD, but so far we have said about 3 words to each other. I have nothing to give right now, I'm just over it. DH also hasn't had much to say to her, but it has been awkward when she's around. 

But wouldn't you know it, now that the Contempt of Court case seems to have gone nowhere, Crazy is back to messaging every day. Asking DH to pay for everything for SD, and other stupid shit. Today it was saying that SD called her and "was crying because she's afraid she will have to walk to school from our house sometimes and it's too far with her heavy book bag, and I agree". It's 7 blocks. How about you worry about what happens on your time? Just because you think 7 blocks is too far to walk, doesn't mean it is. Also, I could have given her a ride, but nope- you made sure to alienate her and now you got exactly what you wanted, SD completely on your side, so she doesn't get rides from me. Sorry not sorry. 

I honestly don't see how we will make it through 4 more years of this crap with Crazy. All inhibitions are gone and she's right back to constantly messaging now that she knows nothing will happen. 


Winterglow's picture

This is great news! Kudos to your husband!

As for what to do about the constant messages - ignore them. Crazy is doing it because she knows there won't be any consequences... but so do you, so ignore them. What's going to happen? Absolutely nothing. Also consider how angry that will make her - BONUS!

TrueNorth77's picture

DH  said he's only been responding with "I'll look into it", which I know she also hates. I told him no response is also ok and he said he will also do that sometimes. I just wish that if a message she sends isn't in the communication guidelines he would not respond at all. In her contempt of court filing and again in their last status conference she complained that DH doesn't respond even though she can see he read the message. He only doesn't respond if her message is not within the guidelines. She simply cannot grasp that the guidelines are very limited and specific, And just because she wants to send a message outside of them doesn't mean DH has to respond or address it. Not responding obviously drives her nuts so let's keep doing that! Lol

AgedOut's picture

Remind him that "No." is also a reply. 

I need $$$ for xyz for SD"


if she replies, just ignore.

I need you to take SD to go buy s,h,t" 




CajunMom's picture

Awesome that your husband stood so strong....good for him.

As for the messaging, take control. Since you can't "stop" them, make them a laughing matter. Joke about it, poke fun, etc. Between you and your DH, of course. 

As for disengaging, stand strong. Your SD WILL begin making changes once she sees you've stopped doing and will try to lure you back in. Remember, it will all be a game. Let your DH deal with her 100% now. Remember, civil but superficial. With that attitude, we don't give rides or do anything special. "Go ask your dad" should be your new reply for 99% of what she askes. LOL

TrueNorth77's picture

My new mantra! lol. So far she is just ignoring me and doesn't care that I'm not doing anything for her. We'll see how long that lasts. I do have a slight dilemma I'm dealing with on the ride front that I might ask in a separate post... 


AgedOut's picture

Oh she cares. But she's used to things blowing over and her getting exactly what she wants. Give it time, she'll figure it out then she will try to guilt daddy, then use her Mom to force Daddy to do what she wants. then tears. then mean snark... . and then maybe she get it.

CLove's picture

Toxic Troll doesnt text anymore unless she wants her child support check early or something.

It does get easier over time, but hey Ive only got  9 more months of their crap to deal with and there is no more threats looming (because I do not engage anymore!)

TrueNorth77's picture

I envy you! I cannot wait to be in that position. After all of the messages from Crazy and her trying to tell DH what to do, 4yrs just feels SO long. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Great to hear your H held SD accountable! Be sure to use positive reenforcement *wink wink* to reward this good behavior.

As for BM, he should gray rock the poop out of her. No responses unless it's an emergency, and ones that are ruthlessly brief when required.

TrueNorth77's picture

Yesterday DH said that his new response to her messages might be "Shut the f*ck up", Every time. Since the court doesn't care what is being said. I said no, she will just take the gloves off and you will receive even more nasty messages and it will only escalate. She HATES not getting a response. Grey rock her. He thought about it and agreed that's probably the best route. I sure as hell hope he sticks to it. It's the only way she will stop. 

Rags's picture

A kid old enough to be an exchange student... is old enough to know right from wrong, and be held accountable for her lies.

Bravo to DH for yanking the plug on the exchange program.  

I would advise that she not ever go on the program. What she has done with her lies, makes her a no support beyond CS, no approval for any beneficial extracurriculars, and .... to have her tail kept tied in a very tight knot until she ages out from under the CO.

TrueNorth77's picture

There is a HUGE appeal to her being gone for an entire year, so this is where I struggle with this one..... plus although DH isn't doing anything extra with her right now aside from occasional chatting, he isn't going to punish her. The only thing he will do is say she can't do the exchange program, etc....which was my idea initially, but since then things have changed and I've learned about her telling her mom lies, and I really don't want to be around her, so having her here really just punishes me.