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Bratty SD

FrustratedandLost's picture

So my brother and sis in law are staying at our house saturday as a halfway point to take another seven hour drive the next day to their destination. The drive to our house from their house is about 6 1/2 to 7 hours. My DH told my SD that they were going to stay in the room that she usually sleeps in when she visits us once a month. We have two rooms in our house that only have full size beds for guests because the rooms are not big enough to put a bigger bed in them. My brother is 6'6" and barely fits on the bed himself. My sis in law is 5'4" and cannot sleep with him in the same bed so she will sleep in the room my SD has her stuff in. My SD got mad because she was being told that she could sleep on the couch. My DH told her it was only one night and she said that's fine I'll just go stay at grandma's. When he got off the phone, I didn't say anything about it but about an hour later I asked if she was mad and after not saying anything at first, he said no. I said it's not her room anyways and she needs to be understanding, which he said nothing to. So my thing is, if when she comes this thursday or friday, is it wrong to tell her that the room is not hers; she just gets the priviledge of keeping her stuff in there and sleeping in their while she's in school. I would only say anything if she copped an attitude when she got here. I've been told that I need to stand up for myself and I'm just afraid that if I do that there's going to be an attitude throwin' at me for standing my ground. I know I shouldn't care because it's my house but I guess I'm overly sensitive. When I do try to stand up for myself, I'm told I have an attitude. That's why I don't say anything. So my bottom line question is, would I be in the wrong if I said something to her about an attitude if she had one?



My brother and sis in law gave up the room so that the SD could stay in there. Wasn't that gracious of them? The SD didn't even say thank you to them. They were going to sleep in a bed together and went into the room SD has her stuff. My mistake was that I didn't tell them to go in the other room. So she wanted to know what time they were leaving because if she needed something she didn't want to wake them up. So I ended up telling my brother and sis in law to sleep in the other room so that she wouldn't wake them up. I told my husband that heaven forbid that we be gracious to our guests, that the room wasn't hers and that she was PRIVILEDGED to be able to use the room. I also told him that she was going to pack all the stuff that she has out in that room (and it is alot of stuff) and put it in the garage with the rest of the stuff. I know some people don't agree with this whole situation but I have every right to be able to have a say in a house I half pay for. 


ESMOD's picture

Yes, imho it's not your place to have this discussion with his daughter.

Because.. I'm sure that while your DH may be fine with letting the visitors use the room.. he would still consider it "her room".  you can get into the technicalities that she isn't on the mortgage.. etc.. but it "is" her room to use for now.. and most kids would have some expectation of privacy and being at least informed if someone else will be in their room..

She sounds like she didn't want to take the couch.. so she is staying somewhere with more room for her during their stay.  I would leave it alone.. it is not a conversation you need to have.

I would say that I would have probably asked my guests to share a full size bed.. just for one night vs displacing someone who was going to be using that bed that night otherwise. 

My DH and I have shared full size beds on occasion.. and while not the most roomy. and my DH Is also well over 6 feet.. and I'm not a small person.. we make it work.. and if it wasn't comfy enough for us.. we would book our own accomodations in a hotel with a larger bed if necessary.

I don't know why you would want to pick a fight with her about the issue of this not being "her room".. when most any child is going to think the room that they stay in at their parent's is "their room".???

Aniki-Moderator's picture


floralsm's picture

Agree with ESMOD. Also op by full size bed is that a double bed? So when you say can't fit a bigger bed.. do you mean bigger as in a queen/king? If it's a double bed then yes 100% offer your other spare double bed (explaining that weekend your SD is home in her bed) for this couple and if they don't want that then they need to find alternative accommodation. SD sounds like she's old enough to want her privacy and space I assume?

FrustratedandLost's picture

the rooms are not big enough to fit a queen/king size bed. Which is why the SD is being asked to give up the space. She's old enough to make her own accommodations also, knowing that we are having company for one night. I don't know why I have to work around the SD when she's not a regular in this house.

caninelover's picture

It is her room.  It's fine to ask her to make some accommodations for temporary guests (especially if just a night or two) and it sounds like that happened so not sure why you would pick the scab off by proclaiming it not her room (when it really is).

JRI's picture

Actions speak louder than words and your DH's actions said "We sometimes have to make adjustments for family members, SD".  If anybody says anything, it should be him.  If she has an attitude, Id ignore her.  How old is she?

Cover1W's picture

Yes. I regret putting a few guests in our office room when ODS was with us during their visit. She had the bigger better bed and refused to share a room for a couple nights with her sister or sleep on the couch. DH let her! I was pissed but couldn't press it. I should have had US sleep in the office and then use our room. Then DH might have changed his mind. Completely entitled and put herself above older adults and he let her get away with it and I didn't fully understand my ability to tell him no yet.

It was "her room" however. But she had to follow the rules especially with cleaning because overall it was our house.

ESMOD's picture

If putting guests in your office was an option.. (aero bed.. whatever).. why would you displace anyone from their own room really..?

Because.. guests can be guests.. or they can get their own hotel if their hosts don't have enough room.. you are saying you can't let your brother and his wife share a room.. yet you wanted your SD's to do it?  

It's obvious that you dislike them both. and there may be some valid reasons.. but you seem keen on putting them "in their place" somehow.. and making a point of showing both of them that they don't belong and don't matter to your household... which is wrong.. and the person they don't matter to is you.. not your DH.

If he thinks the best solution is to have them use his daughter's room.. fine.. let him deal with the messaging and fallout... it's not your kid.. not your battle.  If you think it will go badly.. maybe insist your family share a room/bed vs displacing his daughter.

Those are pretty much the two ways this goes.. he takes the ownership for the decision.. or you tell him you don't want him to make it.


Cover1W's picture

Because the guests were in their 70s!!! And I was told after that one had knee problems! They should never have been on that aerobed! Granted they also should have told me when we told them the sleep arrangements but I feel that they should have had our bed. OSD could have easily shared with her sister, her only argument was that it was "my room." She never was good at sharing or kindness. I learned since then anyway. YSD gave up her room for my sister recently.

I think you were also directing part at OP.

ESMOD's picture

I thought I looked at another post where she had another sister.. sorry.. I must have gotten that mixed in the loop of things.  I have an aeoro bed that is pretty much as tall/big as a regular bed.. so it's not like they are sleeping 6 inches off the ground.. which I allow would be hard for people in their 70's.. I thought that the office maybe had a pull out or something..

In the end with OP.. sounds like the girl had another option of a place to stay.. her dad gave her a heads up.. and she may not be thrilled with having to be "put out" so to speak.. but she went about making her own solution.. can't fault her for that really.  Tons of things in steplife that we are not thrilled with either.. lol.. but we figure it out.. so did SD.

Cover1W's picture

My current office (OSDs prior bedroom) has a real bed in it for guest now!  The other was a low aero.

FrustratedandLost's picture

She is only here once a month and one night is not going to kill her. There were times when I was her age living with my parents that I had to give up my room for family coming to visit. It's not a big deal and shouldn't be blown up into an attitude. 

FrustratedandLost's picture

She should be adult enough to be understanding about the situation. I will not say anything but IMO, she should be adult enough to be understanding whether she likes it or not. Normally she comes on the first weekend of the month but this month she changed.

JRI's picture

I thought you were going to say she was 7 or 8!   I can't believe 1) at 23, she's still visiting regularly and 2) unable to understand logistics when family arrives.  My advice stands, ignore her.

ESMOD's picture

I can't tell if the SD is mad or not.. her DH said she wasn't mad.. just decided to go to see the grandparents vs being uncomfortable.. not sure why ther is reg visitation unless maybe she is in school still.. I know kids that regularly come home from college and stay in their rooms.

FrustratedandLost's picture

which is 1 1/2 hours away and comes once a month to work four hours at her job then goes back to school. Which is why I don't think she should've gotten mad. My brother and sister in law come down once a year to our house, if that. They live in another state and I don't even get to see them except once or twice a year. So, to me she's being selfish.

ndc's picture

Yup, she's being selfish.  At 23, coming once a month,  she's a guest, too.  I'd start calling her room the guest room. 

When my sisters and I were young and my mom's large family would all visit together, we all gave up our rooms and slept on couches and recliners in the basement for the weekend.  It really isn't a big deal to give your room up to a guest once in a while. 

floralsm's picture

I can understand putting an 7 or 8 year old to sleep in the lounge with blankets for the night (I know my SD would love the idea and see it as a fun sleep over infront of a tv) but if SD is a young adult herself and has a room designated to her and her bed.. and there is another bed for a couple to sleep in another room.. I would tell my brother that's all we have? I dunno.. I think asking my husbands adult daughter to be kicked out of her regular bed to sleep on the couch to accommodate another adult guest isn't right.  If anything at least she had initiative to seek out a different place to sleep in where she had more room as she had no choice. It was either the couch or the couch for her. I would sleep at another house that night too if I was her age. So definitely leave it and respect her decision to sleep somewhere else. She didn't have a tantrum or give you a hard time she just decided to spend the night elsewhere as her only choice was a couch and I'd prefer a room and bed at her age too. 

caninelover's picture

That changes things.  I thought she was teen but at 23 she should just be told guests are staying in her room and deal with it.

Synds like you need to have the time to move SD stuff out and re-decorate into a guest room (so SD is a guest for once a month and can stay there too - just move her crap out).

Exjuliemccoy's picture

IMO, the lesson should be about how to be gracious and a good host to family, not about who "owns" her room.

This is about putting her selfishness in check, and it should come from her father.

Edit: Just saw this cow is twenty - three. AN ADULT. Box up her stuff and put it all in the garage.

FrustratedandLost's picture

but my DH would get mad at me for being like that. He wants to play disneyland daddy now because she doesn't have a relationship with her mom anymore. So, he wants to be the knight in shining armour and do for her. 

advice.only2's picture

Considering SD is 23 and away at college it might be time to start talking about turning the room into either a guest room or a den with a fold out for future.  I know when my brother went away to college my parents kept it his room until he got an apartment his sophomore year, then they turned it into a guest bedroom.  The idea isn’t that you are “kicking her out” but more adjusting to the fact that she is now grown and will soon be getting a place of her own.  It might soften things for your DH.

FrustratedandLost's picture

an office but he wanted to put a bed in there. So, it didn't get turned into an office and we left our stuff in there that was already there because I wasn't going to take our stuff out for her. Meaning, she needed to fit into our room around us; not jumping for her when she got kicked out of her mom's house. 

FrustratedandLost's picture

We bought the house with no intention of having anybody live with us. After ten years of living with his mom and finally getting our own house, I told him nobody was going to live with us. The room she is in was a room we used to keep some of our stuff in and was supposed to be an office. To me, she is an adult and when she graduates from school, takes her test to get her nursing license, and gets a job, she should get her own place. But while coming to our house, she should be understanding and not have an attitude about it. Her grandma is only ten minutes from us. It's not like she's going to be far away. 

advice.only2's picture

Your DH should also be communicating to her that you were having guests that weekend so she could plan accordingly.  

ESMOD's picture

the bottom line is that she doesn't have to be overjoyed at being inconvenienced.. which staying somewhere else might mean.. but you and your DH have the right to let her know someone else needs to use that room that night too.. she can accept it and still be a bit put out.. but I don't see anything gained by having some huge convo right now that the room isn't hers.. etc.. I think your DH disagrees with that at this point.. and it is true that 
at some point.. he needs to have a discussion about her getting her own place when she is employed and off on her own.. and that he has plans to have that more of a guest room of sorts.

but many kids have rooms that even if not decorated the same.. become their normal room at home when they are home for the holidays etc.. 

FrustratedandLost's picture

up until yesterday and I had to push him to let her know so that there wouldn't be a problem. I told him a week ago that my brother and sis in law would be here on saturday and he needed to let her know we would need that room. So, it is on him for not telling her. My thing is that I'm tired of being bullied and manipulated by her and her childish attitude and he needs to put his foot down with her. 

ESMOD's picture

Honestly.. while you may have issues with her.. this is not an issue of her making.. this isn't her manipulating anything.  You want to use the room she uses during a weekend she was planning to be there.. there is a conflict of need for the room.. since you are hosting your brother and his wife.. and they will need their own rooms due to the bed situation (again.. though.. usually couples would rather snuggle together vs be in diff rooms.. but maybe they are different).  

Your DH should obviously let his daughter know that the room she would normally be in won't be available due to the out of town guests... and in fact that you will have two guests.. in case she wants to make other plans for the weekend.  It's his problem that he knows this has to be relayed.. and he drags his feet.

Sounds like he told you she wasn't mad...and is simply going to stay with grandparents.. I'm not sure how that is manipulative.. she has a better option than sleeping on the couch.. and as an adult, I expect she prefers privacy.. and maybe she doesn't want to be a 5th wheel with your brother and wife visiting?

It seems like you are chomping at the bit to put her in her place and will take any whiff of disappointment or hint of her feeling incovenienced as an excuse to put her in her place... it makes it seem like you are loooking to start a fight and drama with her.. instead of just letting her go to her grands.. and just let it be.

If her staying there when she works in town is not something you want to keep happening.. have that conversation with your DH.. he may or may not agree with you... but if she is being rude.. then he should not be allowing it.. but at the same time.. I think you need to disengage from her.. not assign her chores etc.. that's on your DH to decide what expectations he has for don't need to entertain her.. or use your own money on her.. let your DH deal with that.. and find things to do on your own the once a month she is in town.

FrustratedandLost's picture

she was mad because I was sitting on the same couch next to him when he told her. Her tone in her voice told me she was mad. As far as my DH telling her anything about doing anything around our house or putting his foot down with her, will not happen. He has always let her get away with her attitude and doesn't put her in her place. I don't say anything to her about anything because she gets an attitude and doesn't talk to me. I'm not living that hell in my own house, that I half pay for. We have a joint bank account, which I am seriously thinking of getting my own. She's just mad because she's being told to give up her bed for a night. 

ESMOD's picture

She doesn't have to love being inconvenienced.. whether that means she is "mad", "irritated", "hurt".. whatever.. those are her feelings.. she is entitled to them.. 

What she is not entitled to do is tell you and  your DH what you can do with your home.. and she did not do that.... she can be upset mildly.. or a lot.. about feeling displaced..put out.. by being told the room is not available..   She did what she needed to do to arrange a more acceptable place to stay.. it is what it is and she did not demand you or your DH change the plan.

In the end.. your problem is not her.. it's your DH.. who has refused to raise his children to be more mindful of others.. to be more inclined to pitch in.. he raised them to be more self centered.. (though the age it's not unusual).  

The person you need to put your foot down with is your DH.. but you have done that in this situation.. you forced him to inform his daughter that the room she was planning on using was otherwise occupied.. he did what he needed to do.  She accepted it.. even if she wasn't happy about it.

If you need him to be more specific about what you expect her to contribute (though the number of days she is in the home a month.. how much do  you really expect other than her to not make her visits a burden?). you approach him with that demand/need.

In this case.. you got what you wanted.. your brother and his wife will visit and one will be in the room SD uses.. SD knows.. and has chosen to be elsewhere.. that's it.. there are no problems.. if she cops an attitude.. shrug.. you were welcome to take the couch. ..your choice honey.  or better yet.. point her to your DH. and ignore.

FrustratedandLost's picture

She doesn't respect me like that and always goes to her dad about stuff. She whispers to him when I'm not in the room about stuff so I don't hear. Pisses me off but whatever. Shows her maturity level.


Kaylee's picture

Yeah, totally agree with the OP.

This girl is 23. not 13. It's a privilege that she can stay in that room when she comes, not a right.

It's not HER room.


FrustratedandLost's picture

That is what I think. It is a PRIVILEGE, NOT A RIGHT, that she can keep her stuff here and stay here when she's in town to work or when she's on break from school. Being the adult that she is, we don't have to do anything for her. 

ESMOD's picture

Her dad has told her that this room has been hers to use when she is in town.. it may not be a right per se.. but it is something she has been able to rely on using.. so being told it is not available.. is inconvenient for her.. forcing her to make other plans.

I don't think you are going to gain anything by making some big deal of the "right/privilege" discussion with her.. all you will do is cause drama.. by trying to make some point here. 

Yesterdays's picture

Especially at that age... 23!! Agree with you. My own parents boxed up my stuff as soon as I turned 19/20ish and moved out. They gave me stuff each time I came to bring with me, lol. So "my room" just became the room that I sometimes slept in when I came into town. No big deal. Become an adult and things change!! Adult life... Hahhh. She hasn't got the memo about that.... 

FrustratedandLost's picture

because nobody makes her act like an adult. That's a frustrating thing for me to watch. I know I'm a stepparent and my DH has to be the one to say something but why is that? Why can't stepparents say something? We bought the house for the two of us and our dogs. Not anybody else. He's the one that has allowed the behavior. But my thing is that I am the other income earner paying for this house and he is married to me not her. Therefore, I am the one he should put first and listen to; not her. 

Yesterdays's picture

Why can't step parents say anything, I actually think you could /should for the reasons you've stated about her age and the nature of the room. I think daddy and daughter need a reality dose. She's a grown adult now and the room is more of a"hybrid" /flexible room now. (or should be). Due to the fact that she's 23. I would just tell her the room may not always be available. If she balks state, yes you're 23 an adult now and that the needs of the room have changed. It's now a guest room. Sometimes she may have to give it up to other adult visitors. 

ESMOD's picture

It is a husband problem... he is the one that wants to allow her to continue to feel welcome in the home.  


and... my point that I keep trying to make.. which is a very valid point... is that the girl has been made welcome by her father to use this room on a regular basis.. so when told (and on fairly short notice).. that it is not available (and this obviously is not a frequent case).. maybe she isn't thrilled that it's not available.. but she IS making the best of it by going to the grandparents. 

Obviously.. it is "easier" probably to stay at dad's.. I get it.. she probably leaves a few things there so it's convenient.. etc.. 

AND.. she didn't refuse to allow someone to use that room did she? no.. she did not.. she made other arrangements... it's absolutely ok for her to be disappointed that the room is otherwise being occupied when she has been relying on it.  If there is a reason she should not be relying on it on a regular basis.. DADDY needs to make that clear.. but it sounds like this is a rare incovenience.. and that's it.. she is sstaying somewhere else.. what is the problem?  she isn't forcing herself there

If OP is mad that dad is allowing it.. if OP is mad that dad doesn't make the girl contribute.. then she has a beef with her husband.. not her SD.

Could her SD be more gracious etc??? perhaps.. but it sounds like there is def some bad blood there with her SM.. and the fact that she goes to her dad is logical.. he is her parent.. not her SM. If SM wants dad to pay more because his daughter uses a room a few days a month.. take it up with him.  If SM wants to ban visitors to the home.. she takes it up with him.. I think it's unfair to blame the SD for a benefit and permission that her father.. who also pays for the home.. is gladly providing to her.


Winterglow's picture

I think that what bothers OP the most has nothing to do with money and everything to do with them having bought a home for them and had agreed that nobody else would live there - unfortunately, the husband hasn't held up his end and his daughter considers the room to be hers ... I can understand why that rubs OP up the wrong way. She doesn't feel that the home is truly hers. And after spending many years living with her MIL, who can blame her for wanting her very own place?

So even if she takes this up with her husband, would he even listen or care? 

ESMOD's picture

I totally understand why she is bothered by her husband's actions here.... He broke a promise to her.  He doesn't back her up.

He tells his daughter that cleaning up after herself is all she needs to do.  So daughter resents OP telling her otherwise.. setting up a situation where daughter resents OP and OP resents daughter.  It's dad's fault he hasn't either agreed to make his daughter do more chores.. or man up and tell his wife he doesn't agree with her.. and it's up to them as a couple to sort out the disagreement.

If he promised the home was theirs and no one would live there. and he is letting his daughter stay there regularly.. he broke another promise.. and that's another issue for her to deal with him about.  The reality is that he feels obligated to help his child out.. and many of us would do the same in his position.. and he likely thinks "it's only a few days a month.. how is it hurting anything".. 

But.. like other cases.. by him not dealing with these issues.. saying one thing to wife.. and another to daughter..  he has set up conflict between them.. the daughter doesn't want OP telling her what to do.. and OP doesn't want daughter to feel entitled.. and resents that she doesn't do work.. that her husband has made it clear he doesn't expect.  So.. OP irritated at SD.. SD resents OP.. and SD relies on her dad's generosity in providing a space.. maybe even feels it is a parent's place to help kids if they can.. and in some ways.. that is often true.. many parents help their adult children.. financially.. with a place to stay.. with advice.. with support.. the difference here is that there is another person who is contributing to the home.. his wife.. that doesn't feel they have full autonomy in their home... 

So.. if she brings it up? he will likely point out compromises he makes in their life.. point out that her brother and his wife are being allowed to come (yeah.. I know not apples to apples 100%).. and other areas where he may feel he has stepped up for her.. and that he feels an obligation to help his child while she is still in school and he may feel since it is only a few days a month.. it isn't the same as her LIVING there.. so he may ask her what she expects him to do.. and maybe he needs to ask that of his wife.. what does she expect??? and let him answer why he can or cannot do those things for her.

I mean.. as far as SD is concerned.. she may not have been thrilled about her normal option being available.. but she did make other plans.. so OP isn't being asked to kick her brother out or anything.

Either.. the situation with her staying is a hill to die on.. or not.. I'm not sure .. only OP knows whether it's worth stepping into the line of fire over it.

Kaylee's picture

Esmod, that is the whole point though, she is privileged to be able to have the use of that room and house, apparently at zero cost to herself. She should be thankful, and she should jump to it and gladly vacate the room when requested.

"Forced to make other plans"... that actually made me laugh. It sounds as though she has plenty of other options, Granny, Auntie and so on.

To my mind, there needs to be some stuff spelt out to this girl and her enabling daddy.


Kaylee's picture

OP, you know that this whole situation will continue unless YOU put your foot down.

You pay half the bills in your home so daddy and princess don't get to ride roughshod all over you. But they will continue to do just that, because you let them.

You have to get tough and set some rules. If your H can't accept them, you will need to ask yourself the hard you want to live with this man for the rest of your life?

advice.only2's picture

This is still a DH problem, you bought the house agreeing it would be a just "us" house.  He went back on that by allowing a room to be "designated" to SD when she comes to visit.  SD's attitude stems from her father allowing her to believe it's "her" room.  This is all on your DH I would let him know the bed is being removed and it's being renovated into the office per your agreement when you purchased the house.  

FrustratedandLost's picture

POV and yes this is the DH and my conflict. He tells his daughter one thing and me another. True. And he has created conflict between myself and the SD because he hasn't sided with me in our home and set rules and boundaries for his 23 YO adult daughter, which stems back to ever since I met them because she has been favored by him, IMO, over his other daughter who has nothing to do with him now. So this kid thinks she's entitled to do anything she wants and he has made it welcoming for her to keep a bunch of stuff in the room and boxes of clothes and other stuff in our garage. I made it clear to him when we moved in that I wasn't going to live with anybody again and if he did move someone in, I was gone. So, SD will be done with school in May and will have to take her nursing board test after that to get a job. I have set my limit to be the end of September to see if she is still here in my home or not. If she is, then I am going to leave. I told him I wasn't going to live with anybody including his kids. Yes, he obviously has disrespected me and that's on me for letting it happen. SD now thinks that this is her home and her room and I never agreed to anything. He just did what he wanted to do for her and she just assumed she could bring her stuff here when she got kicked out of her mom's house. It's just snowballed from there. I have to figure out how I'm going to approach this with him because he gets so defensive whenever I say anything, which is why I haven't said anything. 

Rags's picture

Let her set the tone. If she makes the mistake of overstepping, put her in her place.

Lather... rinse.... repeat.

When he was in his last year of middle school we lived in a 2Br apartment.   His room was both his room, and our guest room. When we had overnight visitors (m parents, my ILs) SS went on an AeroBed in our MBR walk in closet. It had AC/Heat ventilation, power, and lighting.  We had a great time. Teasing each other when he was our in the closet room mate.

Kids on a visitation schedule, by defination, are visitors. They are accomodated as comfortably as they can be.  A guest room can be where they stay when they are on visitation and that room may have multiple functions.  Office, Study, Guest Room, Home Theater, Library, Kid Play Room. craft/hobby room, etc....

Put your guests where they will be most comfortable. Put a kid on an AeroBed in a place where it will fit.  Maybe under the dining room table.