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DH FINALLY approached ME about HHog!......

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

DH actually just approached me about the hedgehog dilemma. This is the first time this has happened, and gee, it's only taken him five months. I have been through hell trying to deal with this.

So, he said we need to compromise and figure something out. SD19 has a campus job and they will need her for the summer. She said she would take a summer gym class at school and be able to stay in a dorm for the summer. All of this has to be nailed down by this Monday.

My first thought was that I don't want the hedgehog here AT ALL. SD19 would be home from college in about a month from now, and would be at home for about five weeks. Then to the beach at the end of June for a week, then home for a few days before moving to the dorm for the last half of the summer, so I can have some peace in my home.

I guess I can't look a gift horse in the mouth if this is the best I can get. I told DH I don't want the hedgehog here at all, and he started gently pointing the finger at me. I told him this wasn't about me, it was about his disrespectful and irresponsible kid. He said she's learning, to which I replied, "She is NOT and she's nearly twenty years old! I bet I'll be sitting here ten years from now saying 'But she's THIRTY, DH!'" Dh assured me that wouldn't be the case. Whatever, DH.

I told DH that I don't like SD19's attitude and the bridge between she and I is just about burned all the way. I don't need a disrespectful kid being a shit to me in my home. I explained to DH that she can't just sail in here and leave a mess. I told him I was afraid to even approach her anymore if I needed her to get her trash or empty the dryer, because she does what she wants. Why should I be disrespected and bitched at because she doesn't feel like doing something? DH told me I need to work on my approach, which I have always agreed with. I can't help but get firm and harsh when I am frustrated. It's called PARENTING. I get frustrated because things that are common sense to most of us, this girl doesn't get, or at least she thinks that nothing applies to her. Furthermore, DH won't teach them to her. SD19 is damaged goods. Whuss skid.

DH said that SD19 was self-absorbed. I agreed with him. I told him he needed to set boundaries for SD19 because she doesn't have any. He said she did and that she comes home on time and does her homework.....WHAT?!?! What about when she's home and leaves the kitchen a mess or lays on the couch all day like it's her bed? Or what about when she opens her windows and lets the AC out? He made fun of me for having the shades drawn a lot. Well, yeah, DH, maybe if you weren't too scared to balance our account for one week, you'd see how high the electric bill is. Anyway.....

I told him I would think it over, but I didn't want the HHog here at all. I told him I didn't like feeling this was about his daughter, but until she gets some help with her anger, I don't know what to do. DH clearly doesn't get what I mean by boundaries. A boundary would be DH inserting his foot into SD19's ass if she disrespected anyone in the house or didn't clean up after herself.

I could agree to all of this and then call the dorms over the summer and rat her out for having a pet in there, but then she'd probably come back home, so no good there. Positive thing is that the entire bill for this $2000 "gym class" with room and board on campus would come out of her trust. So why didn't she just rent an apartment near school in the first place? Duh, DH and SD19. Just DUH.

I have some satisfaction in knowing that SD19 KNOWS I can't stand all of this. It's her turn to walk on eggshells. Oh and YSD13 still thinks I'm not supportive of her? Yeah, DH threw that in as well. Awwwww, the world is not going to bow at your feet, oh naive one. }:)

At least DH is trying? But I am still being disrespected, IMO.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Click on my name and check my bookmarks. SD19 was told NOT to get one, but she did. It has been living in the dorm.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I don't have kids. My parents said I could stay with them. Mom is having surgery so I could be there to help her, too. Dad works.

hereiam's picture

Compromise? You both agreed, no hedgehog, and then he went and let her get one, behind your back. That's not compromising.

The other stuff? There is no excuse for her to be so disrespectful and irresponsible. No excuse at all and there's no need to compromise there, either. How would that work? It's okay for her to be disrespectful and irresponsible on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, but on the other days, she has to clean up after herself and not be a bitch?

Respect is not something to compromise on. It's non-negotiable. She lives in your house when she's not at college; she's 19 but you and your DH are the adults of the house and she should act accordingly.

Why, as a parent, is your DH okay with her acting like this? I don't get it.

Redredwine's picture

Damned straight this is about you! You set a boundary and he agreed but is backpedaling. Your house. Your life. She's now a guest and guests do not bring their pets to someone's house who does not want the pet around.

I still don't get why this is so hard for DH and SD. Put up a sign for a pet sitter for the summer and pay some other college student a couple bucks to house the thing.

Redredwine's picture

Ooh, better yet, find the apartment, get them to hold it and tell DH and SD you found a shelter for the hedgehog where SD can see it all the time. Take them to the apt. and make sure the agent is there and sign the paperwork. Done!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I have told DH this. I am beyond hurt and pissed! I said she's like a roommate violating the no pet policy.

At the dorm too!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Fuck NO Snoopy! The only reason I haven't done this is because she is 45 minutes away. If she got kicked out of housing, she'd be here sooner and commuting! SD19 has been a drama queen her entire life. No privacy tonight with DH hovering. More tomorrow.

Thanks for all of your input. I have suggested all of these things. Also I don't have any bios.

~ Moon

simifan's picture

Wow! Seriously? This entire situation is beyond ludicrous & it is now a hill to die on. Do you really rate below a rodent? If so, why would you choose to stat with such an ass? I'd put it to him bluntly - It's me or the Hedgehog, choose now.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

The subject finally came up over Thanksgiving, although SD18 was trolling for YSD13's hamster cage in October. Hedgie was probably brought to the dorm on Groundhog Day or so. How fitting.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

You know what? ALL of you are exactly right. EXACTLY. NO HHog in my home. SD19/DH made a mistake and they need to fix it.....and NOT at my expense. Last night when DH brought this up, he was saying he needed to see his daughter. My usual reply, "Fine, then you can GO see her! GO!" Then he just looks at me. Well, I'm not the butt nugget that did something against DH's and my wishes. They will have to pay the price.

I have my first therapy session tomorrow on Saturday. I want to go right to the root of this HHog problem immediately with my therapist and see what he thinks. His resume shows that prior to being a therapist, he was in a scientific sort of job. I was actually thinking about seeing him because I thought we might think alike. I'm an accountant, very analytical, systematic, like order and routine. I'm thinking he'll be able to relate to that and vice versa, and we will sort of "speak the same language." All while he can give me some insight on how to deal with this ever-looming problem.

So, there's also the issue of roughly May 20th - June 27th that SD19 is supposed to be home. I'm thinking she needs to take a class in the first summer session as well. But it's probably too late to sign up for that. If second session starts July 6th and you need to sign up by Monday April 20th.....As usual, last minute with these Skids. Can't plan ahead for shit.

I hope SD19 sees what a pain in the ass she's become to this entire family. Of course she's making me out to be the bad guy, but I can look past that with confidence, knowing that she is the problem. She is finally getting a dose of reality. She won't be able to see her BoyF as much either over the summer, if I'm correct. School is east of my home, BoyF is just as far west of my home when he goes to his parents' house. It would be 70 miles one way, and SD19 has never "commuted" in her life.

I sure hope that SD19 doesn't think she can stop by and "visit" when she goes to see BoyF, if that happens. Hell, she stopped by the Monday after Easter to sand some wood for a project in our garage and left a fucking mess.

But she made sure to get her happy ass OUT before I got home. I owe her nothing, no love, no compassion, NOTHING. I am bitter. Of course, I am still human, but I have learned to protect myself. I will not deal with her in a friendly way anymore. And yes, notasm, I will have NO FILTER. My filter has been ON for seven years, while I have waited for DH to step up. And for SD19 to grow up.

Last night I told DH that YSD13 should see a special counselor for transgender issues (and SD19 should see one to deal with her anger and entitlement). You know what DH said? He asked "Why?" I said that SD13 is going to need support and is going to need a thicker skin as she goes forward with her T-life. He looked at me and said, "She gets all the support she needs, right here." I said, "That's good, but it won't be enough to deal with what she is going to face." DH, buried up to his ankles again with his head in the sand, even still.

Oh and here's a good one! We were having a conversation about HHog and DH said that he didn't like seeing me on all of the time. He asked if I knew why? I said, "Sure, because then you feel like I don't think this house is enough." I told him I liked our house and our huge yard for the pups, but one day we were going to sell our three homes and buy a home to retire in. Plus, I'm a numbers girl, I like to see what the market is doing. I have been on for five years and we only moved to this "new" home almost two years ago. Besides, I have had other reasons to scour of late, just in case..... }:)

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks later, but not too much later. He always has T & A pics on his phone, screen savers etc. Pics downloaded of women in bathing suits etc. I figured "what the hell, no big deal" whenever I saw them, because I am fine in my own skin. I would only call him out on it because he has two DDs and they would see it on his phone. So the next time he sees me on, I'll ask how much T & A he still has on his phone and computers and tell him to STFU. Nuff said.

I'm home today. Took a vacation day because I never have any privacy. That fucking SD13 is always here, awkward as fuck.

~ Moon

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

T&A on his phone and computer? Oh hell no! I'm happy in my own skin, but call me selfish! If my man doesn't only have eyes for me, then I don't need him! I don't need him comparing me to others in his mind and wishing I looked like something else! I look how I look...small chested and all! Can't except that, move on!

As for the hhog thing...that is no compromise...that is BS! And she is disappearing to the coast for a week? I can promise you she won't be taking hhog with who does she think is going to take care of it? Did dear daddy already say he would do it for her without consulting you?

Glad you finally found a counselor. And I agree completely that SD's need to see therapists for their individual issues. DH seem completely clueless when it comes to the T-life. I have a couple of friends who are transgendered, and it isn't easy! One had problems at work with a boss who wouldn't let her dress as a woman at work (though she did so quite tastefully...didn't look transgendered at all), even AFTER she went through the legal process of changing which sex she identified with! Both friends have constant issues with bathrooms. Though it it a little different as they were both born male...they fear going into the men's room because there is always the fear of getting jumped and beat up, but most places will not allow them in the ladies' room (which I understand...being a could feel uncomfortable with an person who is anatomically a man being in the ladies' room). If the establishment has one of those "family" restrooms, they often use those. Strange looks while buying of my friends gets crazy looks when they buy shoes....but "diva" loves her! DH needs to wake up! SD13 is NOT getting what she needs at home, as she is not being given the tools to live the t-life! As you takes some thick skin! "Diva" just tells people! I still remember them coming out to me when we reconnected years later (went to high school together back in the 80's)..."Seriously? You thought I didn't know? Honey, you were a diva even back in high school...come on already!" Yeah, that resulted in a bunch of giggles!

DarkStar's picture

Stay the course, Moon! Don't back down now! He is trying to wear you down and wear you out. He thinks you will cave if he keeps on you.

And I have to disagree with posters that say move out and get your own place.....DH, SD19, and that damn hedgehog can go get their own place.

This makes me soooo mad!!!!! I want to shake your DH silly!

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Yup...DH can give notice to the renters of his TH that haven't renewed their lease. They can move there as one little happy family!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

If I didn't have the dogs that DH and I bought together, I would have been gone last summer. I don't think DH would take them to regular vet visits and get the meds they need. They are only 5yo, so they have awhile. DH and I each have a TH that we rent out. Mine is far away from work. My dogs are large breed, not like little chihuahuas I can tote along with me back to my townhouse. We're on a third of an acre.

Looking back at everything, I have 100 days of SD19 during the summer cut back to only 5 weeks. I'm still putting my foot down about the HHog. I mean what's going t happen next Thanksgiving and Christmas and winter break and summer break? SD19 needs her own place so she doesn't bring that rodent into my home!

My mother said to have her leave it in the garage for the 5 weeks. }:)

FML, we'll see what the therapist says tomorrow and I will schedule a follow-up promptly for next week. There will be a lot of talking to do.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

No worries, Bechers. If I continue to put my foot down and demand that SD19 NOT bring that HHog here, DH will continue to defend her and say that I don't like her. Well, DUH DH! How many times do I have to tell him what a toxic presence she is? I have all but said I refuse to live with her. What DH is doing by having her stay at school for half of the summer is HUGE.

But it still does not help with the original problem, I agree. Come on, let's all say it together: NO HEDGEHOG!!

SD19 can go live with her aunt a mile from school for the first part of the summer. Let's see how THAT flies.

"What is it you're afraid of? Are you scared DH will demand a separation or divorce? Are you afraid the two of you will have the mother of all fights? If your DH wants his kids around that badly, and you want peace, quiet and your pupperdoodles that badly, have him buy our your share of the house, sell your TH and use all the money to go a place big enough for you and your pets. DH can come have conjugal visits when you feel you can tolerate him."

He could never afford to buy me out. So we'd have to sell the house, split the profits and fight like hell over the dogs. He can have the three steps and I will take the four dogs. It may be what my life is coming to. DH and I get along great, BUT the parenting is the big problem, as you well know. Now I am so resentful and bitter over this HHog thing that I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave my DH over these fucking skids.

But they will always be around, forever and ever. THAT has been speaking volumes lately.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Oooh where is my post from Feb 28th or so? Where I screamed at the top of my lungs at DH in the car at the mall. LOL

I guess it's time to start giving him FIRMER ultimatums. He just doesn't get it. I have to be a SuperBitch and change who I am to get this guy to hear me. But Princess SD19 will always win, because she's so fucking stupid and helpless. That's why I get all of the shit, because I'm the adult, I should know better, I'm strong enough to handle it.

I keep on looking for homes that have a piece of land for my dogs. I don't know how I would qualify. My maid of honor sold us this house. I can call her and see what I can do. I have to get out of here. I just have to.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Had this huge post earlier because DH called SD19 and then we argued. He stormed out and I have never seen him so mad!! He came back as I was posting and it must not have saved. He is going to the skids' counselor tomorrow. I'm going to mine. All he did was criticize me all throughout the argument, but I stood my ground. He told SD19 she would have to find a place for HHog and then he abruptly ended the call.

She is a bitch. She's a manipulator who blames everyone around her, including DH! She had the nerve to tell DH that he said yes to HHog before he said No. SD19 fails to remember it was no at the very beginning.

DH is listening to my crap now, but we'll see how long it lasts. I told him I'm not raising his fucking kids and he and SD19 need to step up! He finally said he would make house rules for SD19, FINALLY. I told him she needs serious help! He knows I won't take his shit any longer because tonight was not pretty! I got to give him the crazy eyeball shit and told him exactly WHY he's seen me pull back from the skids. They are toxic and need help!

~ Moon