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New here & Mixed emotions. How do I feel better?

FedupAJ's picture

Well - I am SO glad I came across this site. I have felt AWFUL the past year or so dealing with the feelings I have towards my SS10.  My DH and I have been together about 5 years, married almost 3.  I have a BD16 and it took her awhile to adjust to the situation.  At first I spoiled my SS.  We had a really great relationship.  My DH would have him when he wasn't working.  Then after awhile he changed jobs which allowed him to have SS more. I was always for it.  I even helped/pushed him to get 50/50.  The BM is a piece of work. She has an older daughter, not my DHs,  who seems that BM counted on her to take care of SS a lot.  We battled in court for awhile and got 50/50.  It took us another year to finally get the CS changed.  That was always stressful and irritating to me that we would have SS yet BM would get full CS. At least that is sorted out now. 

Anyway - of course my SS was "cute" when he was younger...he has a speech impediment which hasn't improved the past 5 years, I feel, due to lack of proper parenting.  And it is NOT cute anymore. It's annoying and frustrating.  I know he's not my kid. And I have to remind myself that ALL THE TIME. BUT...I seem to be the only adult that actually gives a crap and tries to help him.  My DH has gotten better.  But this all puts stress on our relationship whenever SS is around.  There are other issues like lack of ALL common sense. It's so frustrating teaching SS to function as a human and then when he goes back to his BM it's all forgotten and then we start all over. Simple things like hygeine, brushing teeth, being able to play by himself and not always needing someone else around, thinking for himself, and just...I don't know, everything! Yes I know he's a child.  But he will always act like one if he doesn't learn and have to do things and use his brain.  This would be easier for me if he actually had a disability. Beleive me - I hate myself for how I feel. 

It's also gotten so bad that my DH knows how I feel.  That breaks my heart.  I wouldn't want to be with someone that think that way about my BD. My DH is mostly great when we don't have SS. He's not perfect. No one is. But we have a great friendship and relationship and I know he knows I care and that's why I get so upset.  But I don't know how much longer I can go on feeling like this.  I try to avoid home when we have SS.  My BD gets annoyed with it all too.  But she has told me that SS needs me.  

I just need some advice or support??   I hate that I don't like my SS anymore.  He's not a bad kid. It's not fully his fault but at the same time he is at the age where he can take some responsibility and not be so dependant on everyone else.  Everything about him irritates me to the bone. This is not who I am Sad  


Evil3's picture

You don't have a SS problem, but rather a DH problem. You hit the nail on the head that your SS' speech impediment is not getting better due to lack of proper parenting. Your DH is failing to parent his child properly and he is therefore not learning or progressing. Have you told your DH exactly WHY you don't like your SS? Maybe your DH will step up if he realizes that you not liking his child is your DH's fault. I actually told that to my DH about my SD one time. He literally had a physical reaction, because that statement really sunk in.

You will not get judgement from me. Vent away. The step-parents on this site are great to vent to. Do not feel guilty for no longer liking your SS. Your SS needs his dad. If the parenting is left up to you, it will build resentment between you and your SS. Your DH has to step up and start parenting properly. Can you get your DH into counselling with you? He needs to understand that he's crippling his own child to make himself feel better.

FedupAJ's picture

Thank you.  Yes.  You are very right.  It is a DH problem.  And I have talked to my DH about it and he is aware and I do see improvement and him trying but it doesn't seem to be enough - at least for me. Another frustrating thing is that my DH is AMAZING around every other kid. I did daycare and he was very involved.  He is very involved with my BD. Just seems to be some strange issue with his own kid. I also feel it has a lot to do with the BM.  They were together 10 years and she pretty much mentally abused and bullied him.  It's taken me years to get him to know he can stand up for himself and not be afraid of her or what (she used to) say she would or could do.  

You are also right about counselling.  We do need to do that.  I have been avoiding it for a long time. I've never wanted to go myself.  I'm sure he would go if I ask him to. Can it really help? My DH knows he needs to parent better. But it just doesn't fully happen. Or it will for a little bit and then he slides back into making things "easy" with his son. 

Evil3's picture

If you get the right counsellor it can really help. Interview a whole bunch of them first. Make sure you go on your own and interview the counsellors before taking your DH. That's what I did. Counselling with the right counsellor can help because the counsellor can help your DH get to the root cause: the reason he is afraid to parent. Unless your DH totally understands exactly why he is too afraid to parent, he won't stop coddling your SS. He might make some efforts, which don't last, but he'll revert right back to old ways, because his fear is still there festering. Do interview your choice of counsellors thoroughly though. We actually have a SM on here who recently had the experience of her counsellor telling her and her DH that he just can't stand up to his manipulative DD or he'll lose contact with his grandchildren. Now that SM is taking steps to leave.

AlwaysSmiling's picture

When your DH takes it easy on him- that is not actually doing any justice by his kid at all. He's parenting from a place of guilt (my SO does this) & it is a very lazy and selfish form of parenting. The only one it benefits is the lazy parent. 

It sounds to me like you've fallen into the step-parent trap of caring & parenting more than the actual parents do. I disengaged early on and it's been my sanity saver. Leave the parenting (or non-parenting) to them. My advice for frustration with SK is almost awlays going to be to disengage. I hope you can find a way. It's better to be a disengaged stepmom than one that winds up hurting the kids bc something broke the camel's back. 

FedupAJ's picture

Thanks. It's just so difficult to disengage. I tell myself I need to and I try but it is so hard. For example; when we are invited to (especially my) family events & holidays...I don't want my SS to go because he is embarrassing with the way he acts. I try to not say anything and let my DH parent but when he doesn't it makes things look bad on me. I'm not uppity or anything...just basic manners and actions. *sigh* I have standards.  

I also find it difficult because my parents split when I was 5. & without my amazing SM I wouldn't have seen my dad ever.  She was the glue. I only saw them during summers due to distance but we have a great relationship. I give her (and many other SPs) so much credit.  She does tell me it wasn't easy and gives me advice. But I don't think she ever felt how I feel. 

And a huge issue is I do care - too much sometimes.  I hope I can find a way to disengage.  And I hope my DH can find a way to actually parent without me having to nag. Lol because that obviously doesn't help.

Step-girlfriend's picture

Ugh, that sucks. I push independence on SD9 and SS12 pretty hard, while my SO does not. I take opportunities to teach SD especially to do things on her own. SD: Can you open my snack, I can't get it. Me: Did you try? SD: Kind of. I show her the best way to open it and she proceeds to struggle for a minute but does get the snack open. She microwaves food on her own. She put a band-aid on her cut foot the other day on her own (I wasn't around and SO was busy so she just did it herself). She will always ask my SO to do things for her, and a lot of times he does, which irritates me to no end because it teaches her nothing! But I have noticed her becoming more independent with me teaching her things on my own. I'm also with her quite a bit. I don't mention SS because he just sits in his room playing video games so he isn't really a factor.

I don't have the patience to wait on someone else to do things, or just let things slide by and have them be someone else's problem. I have kind of taken things into my own hands when I can, and I can see results! If I did nothing and let SO handle this all and not teach skids to do things on their own, I would be very resentful also. As it is, I still have frustration about it, but it's manageable.

The most frustrating part about all of it is, if your DH would just parent his kid and teach him he needs to do things on his own, your resentment towards SS probably wouldn't be so strong! DH probably doesn't like that you feel that way, but it's also in his control to change things to improve the situation.

Merry's picture

Can the school intervene on the speech impediment thing and recommend speech therapy? It has to be affecting his social life at this age as well, or it will soon.


FedupAJ's picture

He is in a 'special ed' program for his speech but I don't think he is seen enough.  I wish we could get him enrolled in our school district because I know it would be beneficial.  We live about 30 minutes away from BM. I have made flashcards that I found online to help his problem letters.  My DH does those with him.   It doesn't help when we try to correct his mistakes and then he goes back to his BM and she babies him and I don't think 'helps' him.  I feel bad for him because he is going to get picked on. I don't think he has many friends as it is. Sad

Areyou's picture

You don’t have to do anything for SS10. Set an example for everyone that we all have to pay attention to what we need. What you need is peace. Take it in anyway you can find it. Ask for what you need with no guilt.

MurphysLaw's picture

“DIS-ENG-AGEM-ENT and that’s how you spell Disengagement Wink

learn it & work it! 

And buy a clothespin for your nose, your skid sounds smelly!