What if finally disengaging means the end?
If you've followed me at all...I probably seem like a very angry rude person. Which in reality is NOT me at all. I realized I have been off & on this site for almost a year. Nothing has gotten better. I have communicated more with my DH and it brings frustration because he doesn't seem to hear any of it. Says he does...apologizes. And then same $hit each week SS11 is here. Not sure how else to get it across to him. So finally starting to give up.
I've read many articles and info on disengaging. I have tried many times and failed. It is SO hard for me to just "ignore" or "not care". I do know I have a control problem and want to fix everything. I also KNOW I can't do it or be the one that does it.
I don't think counseling can help us. I do have an appt with my doctor in a month (she is hard to get into) and will talk with her about if she can recommend someone for at least myself to talk with. I don't want to end us. My DH is a good person, hard worker with his job/s, but useless at home life. Great with my daughter and my daycare kids but sucky with his own kid. When we talk/fight he gets all pissy and feels sorry and pity for himself that he is a bad dad. I've given up telling him he is the only one that can change it.
I feel after the past couple weeks and especially this weekend I have hopefully managed to hit the switch of disengaging...but for me it means not being around my DH and his son at all. And if we do cross paths I will be able to hopefully keep my mouth shut. But instead of feeling anger or frustration...I feel empty and numb. And well... that can't be a good solution.
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RUN!!!
it doesn't get any better
For me only ss21 lives with us when not at university
He is at home every few weeks for the weekend and despite being married to his dad for 4.5 yrs with 2 kids with him, he purposely ignores me and my kids, claims we are strangers and make him uncomfortable, that daddy shouldn’t force him to show affection to his newborn sibling when all his dad said was it hurt him heeps that ss totally ignored his sister when born and acted like she didn’t exist...
seriously? You can show attention to your first cousins kid you rarely meet and you can ignore your half sister.
when ss is here i ignore him and go about my day as usual. I care nothing about his life or future. Any events of his like graduation or engagement/wedding, i will not comply and play this fake 1 big happy family because he doesn’t deserve it and neither do sd’s who are miniwives with no respect for our privacy and boundaries.
just last week when he came home (hubby was at work) and told ss when you come home to acknowledge me and say hi like physically go to me. He opened the door and mumbles a relly low hi at the wall (i was in the kitchen doing laundry), hubby said its not hard to just say a polite hi to stepmum- ss ignored hubbys message and didn’t respond.
yesterday hubby went to drop him off at uni and as hubby is walking out front door i heard hubby say to ss “don’t forget to say bye to your stepmum” and hubby went to wait in the car. Ss did not answer hubby when he said that and just hangs around near the front door to give impression he is doing something and just leaves without acknowledging me or saying bye...
this is hubbys problem is he’ll do the lip service and state what needs to be done but he never physically stands there and says “you will go to stepmum and say goodbye as you are back off to uni”
hubby is in denial about skid issues, he knows they exist and they are the reason our family can never be.1 cohesive unit but he imagines 1 big happy family and expects i play along. As of late last year i stood my ground and refused and told hubby i was gonna look put for my self and go back to finish my studies because keeping my life on hold to support him and his career to be treated like shit aint worth it.
i am moving back to my country in just over a week with our 2 kids so i can finish my university studies within the next 2.5 yrs and me and hubby will be flying back and forth. Its been a struggle to cope with my studies here, bad internet service where we live (no broadbant) and we seem to be in the wifi blackspot and since our daughter starts school next year, we always agreed our kids would go to school in my country, this just makes better financial sense
after this i barely have to deal with skids. Anytime all 3 will be at an event or outing or the 2 sd’s, i refuse to go along with my toddlers. Anytime hubby plays the victim and how sad he is, i tell him he isn’t the victim but the enabler and encourager and perpetrator of this abuse and treatment and situation and until he wants to change things and firmly enforce these basic groundrules on treatment, respect etc, my feelings won’t change
every now and then i remind hubby that if this is the way he allows me to be treated and makes up excuses, he has himself to blame when i leave him because there is only so much anyone is willing to take
I wish I could do that
I wish I could do what you're doing. You're so strong. I'm in an almost identical boat as you are. I wish I could show this to my husband and he would see the resemblance of our life.
That is SO tough
That is SO tough
I have some similar issues
I have some similar issues you do (except my Skids never lived with me, never will) but I related a lot to your post. Hope everything works out in the way that's best for you and your BioKid, DH and Skids. Divorce sucks for everyone involved - my Skids are not pleasant or kind but I still don't want them to have miserable lives.
Most of the members of this
Most of the members of this site have partners who are weak parents. Many of them are just plain incapable of parenting effectively.
You need to be brutally honest with yourself about the likelihood of the situation improving, and how long you're willing to keep investing your time in a relationship that makes you unhappy.
Develop an exit strategy, save $$$, and plan ahead.
In my situation and from what
In my situation and from what I can tell from the original poater, my husband and I get along wonderfully in any other situation. We work so well together. We never fight about much else. So that makes it much harder to make a decision to leave.
Watching dh with ss22 has made me lose respect for dh...
I have disengaged with ss22 and his wife for 5 months now, And I’m still so disgusted with.the situation that I’m not optimistic about my marriage making it. I have to take care of myself and my children. What am I teaching my children if I engage with someone who is so disrespectful to me? And what am I teaching them by. Allowing my husband to enable that disrespect? I feel like I have to leave my husband to teach my children to not stay with someone who doesn’t protect you and support you. Sheesh. I have put up with this for so long, hoping that adulthood and maturity of ss22 would change his behavior. Looks like I was wrong.
you only have control over your own behavior. Take care of YOU and your children. No one else will.