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I just don't know anymore...I do but I dont want to

FedupAJ's picture

So the last time I blogged I didn't hear what I wanted to hear back. It took me awhile to realize that was ok and I did feel bad to the people that upset me. I mean...we are strangers in "computers". 

So it has been almost a school year since my post that my SS11 takes a My Little Pony backpack to school. And that was never the issue...the issue was my husband was not talked to regarding it. And to anyone that says it doesnt matter why would he need to be? Well he has 50/50. That is why. The only thing that isnt is that my husband has to get his son to school in order to have this placement. The ex wife doesnt have to spend extra on gas etc. 

Anyway... so its come to our attention that during standardized testing they ask extra questions and SS11 answered YES to that he thinks about hurting himself.

Pisses me off that the school only called the mom and she went in to talk about it without my husband knowing anything. And the mom/ex called my husband.  Boils down to bullying...various reasons...not just the back pack. But the ex feels the school should be responsible when I feel she needs to step up and parent and say no and advise etc. But whatever. Keep telling myself NOT MY KID but hard to stick to that negative feeling when I feel I am the only one who truly cares. 

But whoever wastes their time reading this..I'm sorry. I dont even know what I want to hear from anyone. I have been done with my husband for months now ... he doesnt communicate no matter how hard I try...because he is a lazy father and when I married him and went thru all this custody battle (which I think was mainly me wanting better for his son) I thought my husband would be better. As i tell everyone... he is amazing with my BD16 and all my daycare kids. Just not his own.

My husband knows his flaws etc but does nothing to change. Just feels sorry for himself. And has excuse after excuse or just says he is a bad father. 

Sigh. Thanks for letting me vent. 


notsobad's picture

When anyone in my world is lamenting and going on about being a bad parent or friend or person in general, I agree with them. I just say yup you are. If you don't want to be that way anymore, change or don't but please stop telling me how bad you are.

They either change or stop expecting me to join in on their pity party.

FedupAJ's picture

Thank you. I do tell him to do something about it. He may attempt but then goes back to being lazy. Vicious circle I am getting bored of. 

--figureditout--'s picture

Out of curiosity, how did you find out about the extra questions on the standardized testing?  I live in FL and have an 8th grader and an 11th grader.  They have never mentioned questions like that to me.  My SD was a SI with suicidal ideation, later diagnosed with bipolar.  My oldest son is also bisexual and very open about it to everyone and has not been bullied even though we are in the Bible belt.

FedupAJ's picture

I didnt know about it until my husband mentioned what happened. My daughter has never told me about having questions. Maybe it is a new thing. 

And I am totally ok with what my SS likes and whoever he wants to be. I'm not judging him but kids are cruel. And I know he tries to be tough and ignore it but it has to take a toll. He has a bad speech impediment on top of everything. I just feel his mom and my husband need to do more for him themselves than expect the school to. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I just wanted to reach out and say that I am so sorry that you are feeling alone in all of this. The "not my child" attitude can only go so far with me. At the end of the day, if that child is with me, he is mine. I might not get to be the decision maker but I will damn sure be heard and respected. 

It sounds as if you have lost respect for your husband. I fear that losing respect for your spouse is a very dangerous position in a marriage. notsobad had a very good point. Next time your DH tries the pitty party, agree with him. Yep, you are a craptastic father. Now, what are you going to actually DO ABOUT IT??? If he doesn't do anything or tries the pitty party again, I would flat out tell him how disgusted I am with him. No more playing nice, do something or give full custody to BM and tell him to shut his face. 

FedupAJ's picture

I totally agree. I have been doing the yes you are crap and what will you do. And nothing changes. We are fine when SS isnt around which makes me forget how crap he is but once Wednesdays come...same stuff.

And sadly you are right and I have lost respect for him. That's what bothers me the most. And he doesnt seem to care or if he does he won't show it. 

Also I am with you on when the kid is with me he is mine. I got into this marriage happily knowing we would be a family. Things were great at first. But I guess they started going downhill when we got 50/50 and then I saw more that my husband wasn't a good father to his son. Basically if I'm not doing the parenting (cook dinner etc) he takes him to the Grandparents/Uncle for him to "spend time" with them.

And lately I have asked and told him what is the point of having his son 50/50 if he doesnt spend the time with him. He should let his ex just have him. But I also know in my heart that isnt what is best for my SS. His mom is useless and lazy too. 

It is exhausting caring so much but also trying not to so I don't get hurt or feel used. I need to look after my own wellbeing too.

Thanks for listening.  


tog redux's picture

I am all for disengaging, but I don’t think I could stay in a situation where I felt a kid was being neglected by the person I was married to. 

notarelative's picture

You are taking BM's word that they called her in due to extra screening questions. That may or may not be true. Something else could be going on and she is using extra screening as a guise to hide it.  DH needs to make an appointment with the school and find out exactly what is happening. 

This kid needs counseling. Expressing thoughts of self harm is usually a cry for help. 

DH also needs to talk to the speech therapist. Are there things that should be done at home that will aid therapy?