Advice please
Ok here goes. I will try to make it short. I have been with my BF for 13 years. I have a 20 & 17 yr old daughters. He has 4 kids. Three are married and live out of state. One that just got engaged and is pregnant. (24 yo). We are not married, but I have lived w/him for 6 years this Nov. He is 8 yrs older than me. I'm 42. His kids and him still tiptoe around their mom/ex for the last 13 years like the divorce just happened. They are all sick of her hatred, and want to move past it, yet no one does. I get along with the 3 kids out of state. (they recently moved) The one that doesn't get along w/me lives 1 street over. He will never speak up to her because he never wants her to fight w/him. They talk about being best friends,and he wears friendship bracelets she made him. She even bought BFF lookalike shirts for Christmas for them. He never "seems" to notice she never looks me in the eye during any single conversation she may have. She is "daddy this and Daddy that". Seriously?? I understand he wants to be close because of the new grandbaby being in close in distance and her being his only child nearby. He also pays for speeding tickets, sends money, buys tires for them. There has been years of drama between my 17 yr old daughter and his kids, him and my 17 yrold. I will not put my money w/his and frankly don't want to marry him and drama. His daughter (that's nearby) has stolen several years ago, 2 $500 watches I bought him, and several shirts from my daughter, I CAN NOT seem to let go of my grudge of this. He has never approached her and she has not ever mentioned it. I put a lock on my daughter's door. I love him so much, but wow...will it ever stop? I know his daughter pretends to like me when she is around but never includes me in any aspect at all regarding her pregancy, or life. I have tried on a few attempts to leave her mesages or texts w/no response.
Whether you bring the theft
Whether you bring the theft up to his daughter or not, and whether or not she apologizes, this resentment you're carrying around it is only eating you up inside. My bet is that she doesn't even think about it anymore because she figures she got away with it.
I totally agree with you,
I totally agree with you, that it eats me up. I want to get along, and I try. I admit that I don't buy and do for his kids over the years (they are all grown kids or out of the house when I moved in) like I do my own. I am sure she probably never thinks of the thefts. I don't know how to trust or let go of it. I can't get over how he never stands up to her on other arguments because I feel like he is afraid she won't ever speak to him. I feel like since i never raised his kids, all I can do is be their friend. He keeps telling me to EMBRACE THEM AS MY OWN...what in the world amd I supposed to do? They are 20 to 30 years old with children and husbands and wives? Unreal!!!!
He and my 17 yr old also doesn't really like each other, and she lives with us and has since she was 11. She will not even speak to him as she passes him in the kitchen!! This has been going on for 6 years. They argue and both always have to have the last word.
Oh my...not sure exactly what
Oh my...not sure exactly what your question is, but my first thought is "13 YEARS OF THIS???" I'd say that proclaiming you will never marry this man is hardly putting your foot down? I mean...you dont need nuptials to be fully involved and tied to this person, as you've clearly noted. Maybe that's your way of telling yourself you can leave if you want...but I see that it's not totally true.
My other thought, like you said, is that these "kids" are ALL ADULTS! With their own families! What the heck? WHY is this such an interference still? What is life like daily with you and DH? I guess by the sound of it, you have your kids there, or at least one, and they dont get along - for 6 years! Um...would you say that you all are a "family" then or not? What do holidays look like? does everyone travel to be together?
Seems to me you'd be best off to look toward a life with just you and DH, and a little chaos at holidays. And let's face it...to me, Skids are the same as inlaws...everyone pretends to get along for a few hours during gatherings, then you all go back to your regular lives. Dont expect to ever LIKE being around them. At least your SD pretends like she's supposed to? even if she's not very good at it!
Thank you for responding. We
Thank you for responding. We dated for 7 years prior to me moving in. I told him I didn't want to, until my kids were raised. He begged and begged (wanting the family life again). It was my 2, his youngest, and he and I. Drama for 6 years!. He and I get along very well, when there are no kids around. Odd. We have travelled and have had a lot of fun together. We bought each other engagement rings 5 ys ago, and wear them but no plans of marriage now. I have seen after I moved in, how much he has changed, and his kids and so on...I am content to not marry. I wanted to get married years ago..boy did that fade. Christmas/Thanksgiving is the holiday that is chaotic. We split them up over diff wkends. I have told him NO ONE would ever put up w/this crap for as long as I have. He acts like there is no drama...Your right, his daughter is the one that pretends like she is suppose to. She does nothing to make me feel warm or welcome in my home. He told me that she is welcome to come and take anything she wants out of our home because IT IS HER HOME TOO? Hello? she lived there for 1 year. Thats it!! It is legally his home, and I have paid him 600 a month for rent since day 1. I have my furniture & things as well in there! We fight mainly about my 17 yr old and his daughter that lives near us. We have no loans, or anything financially tying us together. I like that, and I like the idea that I could walk if I want. He wants to marry but doesn't pressure me. I would gain nothing but military benefits out of it. I have everything else. Not meaning to sound harsh about it. I have both my kids at home. (oldest in college locally & drives, works). I have tried to talk to my 17 yo and she tunes me out and fights w/me when I tell her to get along w/him. He has over the years tried to be sweet and do things for her but she rejects him. Also, not sure how to let go of a grudge towards SD and move past it. I don't trust her and I feel fake when I am around her as I am sure she does too.
Thanks for the extra info. I
Thanks for the extra info. I am totally on board with your ideas about not being legally/financially tied to him. I got married ONCE and only had kids WITHIN the marriage. DH and I would be the perfect family with our daughters if it werent for his stupid drunken mistake when he was single and 26. I ended up saying I had enough and divorced DH about 3 years ago because of his collossal BAGGAGE! But then he got sober, and got rid of that other personality, and we managed to work MOST things out. SS is still an ongoing problem (big shock). So now we live as a married couple with our little girls, wear our rings and all, but No Way would I EVER make it official til SS is over 18 and DH is out of the financial clutches of BM!
After going through what I've gone through, and finally getting to the point that I would rather give up the love of my life and dismantle the family that I wanted for my girls, instead of putting up with more crap about that stupid SS...I know in my heart that I CAN function just fine on my own if I have to. It's not my first choice, but if push comes to shove, its bye-bye DH! And he knows that.
"Our" house is in MY name. SS is not allowed in my house. DH takes his visitation at his mother's house. Our money is completely separate. And the best part is....*I* wrote our divorce papers! So in the event this doesnt work out?? DH gets no overnights, and is allowed TWO weekday visits from 5-8pm. CS is set up, and I currently "pay myself" while he just gives me money toward the household stuff.
So I guess my advice is...set yourself up so that you DO have things how YOU want them...or at least mostly. Believe me, I wouldnt be on this site if I wasnt still dealing with SS crap! I never wanted my married life to include single parenting every other weekend, but considering the alternative, I can live with it. What I cant stand is DH randomly getting mad at ME for "how things are" when in my opinion, this whole mess is entirely on him.
So while DH tries to figure out who's fault it is...I just carry on with life and wait for SS to get a life of his own and leave us alone. I think that's probably even closer for you. Somehow I think a grown child with a baby would be a different kind of hassle than visitations, sleepovers, and CS, although I dare not guess at which is worse.
Thank you, and I know I am
Thank you, and I know I am more financially capable now to take care of myself if need be. He knows this, and I like how it keeps him on his toes. I believe he knows no other woman would put up with the crap like I have. He is a great guy but when he gets angry, he stands there and POINTS his finger at me like I am his youngest child. (I have never seen him do that to his 3 others). Only me, his mother, and his youngest! I nipped that in the bud. He is more wishy washy and forgetful since I have moved in. It has not been a great thing for me and a bad move. He knows this, but what do you do now? Just when I think it will be him an I in a few years, he has his daughter practically on our lap with a now soon new baby and he moved his mother w/alzheimer's in 2 mos ago. He believes I need to be a participant in helping take care of her. I don't really feel like I should, but I do some because it is my nature. He said when we travel he would take her to his sisters for that weekend or so, and I would have my sister take care of my 17 yold in the house now he wants to leave his mom at home, and my sister won't babysit. So he gets angry that I don't travel now...it's all unreal. He changes his mind like his underwear and doesn't hold to the promises. he just seems like he is weaker than he use to be. He is 50 and has had 2 heart attacks. I am vivacious, outgoing, and love people. His oldest daughter tells me how negative I am, because I feel completely that when I am around his kids. They bring me down...not sure how to handle that either.
Oh god.....the MIL moving in
Oh god.....the MIL moving in wouldve been it for me. Nope. Done. Outta here. Maybe I'm just "too ready" to walk? I'm not fully invested? But I dont think he is either. Difference is that my DH seems to think that Every Other woman out there would LOVE SS and WELCOME him to her home no matter WHAT! Like I'm somehow defective for having a 'human response' to how I got treated for years cuz of that kid?!
My issue is that I'm college educated and am the breadwinner. My DH works HARD. He cleaned up (sober) and has really been doing great, and went on his own with his own company (blue collar) this year. Of course I've been totally supportive, handling legal and tax stuff, managing the kids and house and working full time cuz "he has to work"...since all winter he cant work, and he gets the kids to/from school and does laundry etc (while bringing in ZERO $$ income)...but when HE has to work, I'm supposed to add all those things TO my job! He doesnt even see what I'm saying.
Anyways, I guess I sorta see myself as superior in some ways?? And that's not good for a marriage either. But after dealing with an alcoholic for 10 years, it's hard to just start depending on him - esp when his program says it's "a day at a time"....eeks. One might understand why I keep my guard up. But that's also why it's probably easier for me to draw a line in the sand and say that's it. It's hard for me to picture being in your shoes, being unhappy, and NOT doing anything to fix or change it. I'm just very type A I guess!
Thank you Midwestmama. I
Thank you Midwestmama.
I know. I was not prepared for MIL to move in. AT ALL. She is very sweet, and that helps that I get a long with her. She is not to much of an issue as of yet. It is mainly the SD that lives so close. I love him, and I think we are at different stages in our lives to have moved in together. I think it has made me somewhat negative towards stuff when normally I am a happy go lucky person. He never laughs with me, or thinks things are funny, Yet you see him as a completely different person when he is with this daughter. Not even with his other three??? It's weird. They have have multiple conversations with me in the room, and never even acknowlege me, or include or ask for opinions. Like I am not there? He allows her to do this. I can't embrace her as my own, if I didn't when she was 13, I won't at 24 yrs old. I can only attempt to be a friend. He doesn't see it that way.
I LOVE chatting with others
I LOVE chatting with others in my same boat...you have no idea!! I've been ran off so many other boards for being honest about how I feel.
I hear the same thing about how my feelings toward his kid just are WRONG. Period. I'm Wrong for how I feel. I'm supposed to just "be nicer" and things would be great. The fact that I feel uncomfortable around SS...that's my own personal defect if you ask DH! And HE seems to think that having the kid around MORE would fix it?!?! My god...I want to chew my own foot off to get away anytime I have to be around him! If I know there is an "end time" that we've previously agreed to, I can fake it until then. But he will no doubt try to extend it during the last hour! Seriously, any time I have TRIED to give an inch, he takes a mile.
His view is steered completely by his mother too. The two of them gang up on me. And since DH takes his visits over there eowe, MIL gets her chance to make her little digs and comments so that when he comes home, I think I must have the plague or something. DH has a chip on his shoulder for a good day or so. Then it settles and all is fine until the next visit. I cant stand the whole thing!
The visits arent even at my house, yet I still have to put up with the cold shoulder and blame game. Its bullshit! I cant get rid of the SS bullshit no matter WHAT I do?! I've completely removed SS from my home, my picture, my life and STILL I have to get flack from DH and MIL?? I just want them to LEAVE ME ALONE about it! I'm DONE! Want nothing to do with that kid! So...it's circular. I completely stay out of anything regarding that kid, trying to just get away from the discomfort, yet DH imposes feelings of hatred towards me for staying away. Anytime I've TRIED I said I wanted to do small doses, get to know him, he can get to know me...but DH refuses to just let it happen. If it's not instant, it's not good enough. If I'm neutral, I get treated as though I was evil. So why not just be evil? WHY BOTHER?!?! ya know??
Sorry...didnt mean to hijack your thread with my own issue! I started to ramble there. Just wanted you to know I totally agree and deal with the SAME thing.
No problem.... I understand.
No problem.... I understand. I hope my own two children do not have the drama that his kids have cause when they are grown.