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The lack of common sense is strong with this one

EveryoneLies's picture

Submitted by EveryoneLies on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 3:17pm

Again, my SS is almost 16, on the better functioning end of the spectrum with some flavor of ADHD.

In the past weeks it had been a crazy struggle with this kid. On the one hand I understand that at his age, he wants to be independent and start finding his place. On the other hand, he ONLY wants to be independent in expressing his opinion (not a bad thing) and expecting people to do things his way (not that much a good thing), and not anything else. (Doesn't know when he needs to eat, clean, what kind of clothes to wear, keep losing everything...etc)

This week we learned that he doesnt' know how Lobster differs from Crab (also didn't know how many legs a crab has)...he also thought that the ID/driver's license will just be issued once he hits the age. The other day he asked his father where he can get a resume.

But regardless, this is the boy who thinks he's "Teaching me" whenever we talk.

I want this kid to be independent, but being treated rudely 9 of 10 times (the one time he is nice is because he is asking for things) when I am only trying to help is just not an rewarding experience. I've stopped helping him that much with his hw, and DH is being driven nuts by his son. 

Just needed to vent.

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 3:26pm

Yeah, it is hard. 

I laughed the other day when someone asked me if SS had a touch of the 'tism. Your flavor of the ADHD is just as good. I totally get it. Mine has both with a sprinkle of anxiety lol

I wish I could say it gets easier but you can tell from my post this morning, it doesn't. I'm just here to commiserate with you <3

EveryoneLies's picture

Submitted by EveryoneLies on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 8:49pm

I lost it so often with my SS. I'm not proud of it, but I can't help it....it's not like my full time job doesn't already give me enough stress. I don't think i will be able to live with this kid forever after he turns 20...(i am hoping we will be able to get him to be independent before then. So optimistic, i know...)

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Sat, 01/21/2023 - 6:43am

There is no way to prepare yourself for this and we don't have the privilege of the unconditional love. I think if BM1 had ever been a semi responsible/ active parent, I wouldn't do as well as I do. I looked at it like an adoption, which we are still considering doing. SS is mine.

All I can suggest is to start reaching out about group homes and services when he is about 17. Find out the processes and requirements because waitlists are YEARS. You can't start until he is 18, but you can build whatever package needed to you can submit right away. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 3:40pm

on the spectrum spawn. On the spectrum or not... IMHO there is also absolutely nothing wrong with holding them accountable for reasonable behavior and applying applicable consequences when they chose to deviate from that standard and any standard of performance stipulated in your home/family.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 3:43pm

Unfortunately, it is really an option. Autism doesn't allow for standard expectations in most cases. 

 

EveryoneLies's picture

Submitted by EveryoneLies on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 8:56pm

Not sure what I should be expecting from my SS. We didn't ask him to do much and he rarely does things right the first time. Even showering,....we have to restate that he NEEDS to use soap, and NO he should not be skipping soap just because it will make the shower faster.  

Last time I told him if we can't knock that into him, we will have to let his therapist teach him how to shower. I guess we should just leave a lot of things to the therapist, maybe that will finally help ha

 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Sat, 01/21/2023 - 6:39am

Don't even get me started with hygiene!

We still do the smell test. If I can't smell soap and shampoo when he gets out of the bathroom, he has to go back and he loses his phone for the night. 

It is a constant battle for everything. It is like a grown man toddler lives with me. 

 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 01/21/2023 - 3:44pm

I'm not sure it is legitimate. He has always been extremely intelligent and capable though he has always struggled with a touch of 'Squirrel!' distraction.  Just like his mom. 

He previously had a Dx of depression and was but on an Rx for that.  No improvment.

The new Doc disagreed with the depression Dx.

He recently went on an Rx for the ADHD Dx and he truly has had a major change. Far less brooding and no longer subdued, far more expressive, outgoing, and demonstrably happy.  And of course far more focused.  Whether I am suspicious of the Dx or not, it is helping my son and I am all good with that.

As for hygiene.

ROFL

When he was a teen SS-30 showered every day.  He did not have BO, but his head smelled like a combo of wet sweaty dog and week old road kill.  Kind of a moldy, rancid, reak.

When he was 17 I finally told him to put on his bathing suit and head to his bathroom.  I watched him shower.  It was all I could do not laugh my ass off.  As he washed he would put his shower gel in his hand, lather up, wash his body, etc... When he washed his hair he would turn the shampoo bottle upside down, hold it over his head, and squeeze then 'lather', rinse, and repeat.  The problem was that the shampoo bottle was empty.

My DW is a shopping list person.  As SS progressed into his teens she had him write what he needed on the list and we would pick it up during the next trip to the store.  Neither of us noticed that we were buying body wash, toothpaste and deoderant fairly regularly but not shampoo.

Unknw

After he finished his bathing suit shower I advised a change. Wash your hair first so you do not wash the dirt and oils from your hair over your clean body.... and...... put the shampoo in your hand then lather it into your hair rather than squeezing the shampoo directly on your head.

'Why dad?'...  Umm, squeeze some shampoo on your hand right now son.  

The look on his face when he realized that he had not actually washed his hair in who knows how long was epic.

Even know, 13+ years later I will loudly sniff his head every once in a while being a snarky smart ass.

'DAD!!!! Knock it off. Are ever going to let me forget that?'

Nope. As long as I draw breath kid, I will give you shit about that every once in a while.

Dirol

EveryoneLies's picture

Submitted by EveryoneLies on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 8:52pm

We try.

It ends up feeling like it's always punishment though. It's sad, we (DH and I) want to change it, but punishment has been the easiest and quickest way to get things done. You be nice to this kid you can end up getting your house burned down.

Mominit's picture

Submitted by Mominit on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 5:06pm

From 15-19 I found that each of my teenagers earned the t-shirt: "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I"m right".  The need to finally take their place in the world is powerful.  To prove you wrong and them right is the sweetest victory of every day.  About anything.  The number of steps it takes to get to the fridge.  The average height of a male in (insert country here).  Which sports team did the thing faster than the other team.  Any victory is a small podium on their way to equality and  independence.

Add in ADHD and spectrum and you have a fun filled adventure every day!  LOL... You have my sympathy.  Don't take it personally.  It just means you raised a confident, strong willed, ambitious person who sees you as worthy of competing with.  If he didn't value you he wouldn't bother going toe to toe with you! (By the way that advice was poor comfort to me as I contemplated throttling each of my children, but they grew out of it eventually) 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 01/21/2023 - 3:56pm

'Good thing I don't give a shit about (insert topic of superiority here).'

"What I do care about is that because you are obviously so smart it is equaly obviouse that you are completely capable of not ruining your undergarments with shit stains, you are capable of washing  your own dishes, doing your own laundry, making your bed every morning, bathing regularly, cleaning up after yourself, doing and turning in your homework, smart enough to know the difference between truth and lies, are fully capable of doing all of  your chores on time and correctly, having a job and paying for your own car insurance, ........... Why then are you not doing these things?  Hmmmmmmmm?'

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 01/21/2023 - 3:58pm

formulating a response that real time parenting does not afford.

Glad I can inject a smile or laugh into the seemingly never ending blended family drama.

Take care of you.

EveryoneLies's picture

Submitted by EveryoneLies on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 9:01pm

Will be great if he actually is able to prove me wrong. Lol I will stand corrected. (Even by him)

Truth is this kid is loudest when he's wrong, especially when he know he is in the wrong lol. Last time he tried to tell me my knowledge of my own country's history is wrong, because he read an article....LOL he's also told me he has figured out the stock market, and i just need to give him money to invest....(it will probably be invested in candies haha)