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BM’s Engaged

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

She called yesterday to tell the kids and SO. We’ve met the guy a handful of times and he seems nice.

My only worry is back in January she was talking about getting a house with the last guy now she’s been with this one only 5 months and already engaged. This is the 3rd “serious” guy in just as many years and I don’t think they have a place to live. She’s been staying with grandpa but his health is failing and it looks like when he goes the house will be sold so she can’t stay there. Fiancée lives in a nice home but it’s with his parents to and from what the kiddo’s say it doesn’t seem like there’s really room for them there.  

I just hope it will last and honestly I’m worried she might be pregnant. It just seems rushed. Again maybe it will and they will be amazing for each other but he hasn’t had time for the honeymoon phase to pass and him really see who BM is.

Comments

ndc's picture

You can only hope for the best in situations like this.  

BM here got engaged a couple months ago to a guy she's known for about 9 months.  She'd moved in with him a couple months before that.  Wedding is next month.  He seems like a good guy, and the skids like him.  The saving grace for us is that we feel pretty confident that BM makes most decisions with the best interests of the kids in mind.  Unfortunately that's not the case with a lot of BMs. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Wow... I mean... when you know, you know, right??

 *ROFL*

In all seriousness... Hopefully with combined incomes, the can find a little place and live happily ever after and with as little conflict as possible! 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

 Honestly yes. When you know you know BUT you need to question how much you KNOW when it’s the 3rd time in less than 3 years and the last time you KNEW was only 6 months ago.

I’ll admit again SO and I moved VERY fast. He was living with me in about 7 months but he’s done this once. If something happens to us I would hope he’s more cautious the second time.

This guy hasn't even gotten a chance play family for loss of a better word. The kids were in school or with us nearly every day since BM and him have been together. They go back next week and it's going to be a crash course in parenting with a guy in his early 20s and without children of his own.

I HOPE it works. I truly do but I of course I worry.

Livingoutloud's picture

We got engaged after 6 months and married few months after. When you know you know. But we both obviously are financially stable and lived independently and had adult children long out of the house. I’d absolutely not bring someone to live with or marry that early when DD was a minor. I’d not even introduce people that early on. Heck no, but others don’t think it’s a big deal

Maybe with two incomes this couple could finally manage to rent an apartment and not live with relatives. Maybe that’s a good thing if she is going to be settled and married and not be looking for men. Maybe this guy is the right choice and hopefully he is not destitute or that would be more of the same. Hopefully her dating different men led to choosing the right one (good way to do things minus introducing them to men too early)  

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I do hope so. I know SO and I moved fast. I don't have an issue with that. I just worry when she has a pattern of fast moving relationships that burn out really fast and she drags the kids with her.

I KNOW she can afford a small apartment on her own. The reason I KNOW this is I know how much rent cost and how much SO pays in child support. The child support alone would cover rent. She is also employed. The issue is she likes to party. We've seen evidance of her blowing money like there's no tomorrow. This guy could help if he can get her to grow up a little. I'm not saying she shouldn't have nice things but she has gone without paying for the tags on her car (maybe 30 to 50) for months while she's flash money at the kids school for unnessery things.

Livingoutloud's picture

How can $500 cover 2 bedroom apartment? Where are there prices like this? That cheap? And how is that you are saying she could afford rent alone and your SO can’t afford rent alone? And two of you have been struggling with two incomes but BM should be ok with one (and minimal CS).

 Ok BM and her new guy live with relatives but your SO lives with gf. How is that different? Living with girlfriend isn’t more honorable than living with grandpa or parents.

 I agree BM is nuts and a pain but sometimes you hold BM to higher standards than what you expect of other people.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Rent for a two bedroom apartment is 500 around here. You’ll have to accept that figure. That’s base price and yes places can get way more expensive but there are even cheaper places if you get lucky.

BM and her partner are living with parents. The new guys home doesn’t have space for the kids and BM will lose her home when her father passes. I never said BM living with her dad is an issue. I never said her partner living with his parents is an issue. I said that long term these are not viable options and that I know SO’s child support alone would cover rent for a two bedroom apartment. Then with two incomes from her and her new fiancée they should be able to afford the other cost.

My SO pays a third of his income to BM in child support. BM is then employed herself.BM is more than welcome to find someone to live with to help with expenses as I am doing with my partner. That is intelligent. I've cohabitated all my life and am a frim believer in it even if it's just with a friend. It makes life WAY more affordable and there is evidance that living alone increases mental health issues like depression. 

 

Livingoutloud's picture

I agree that living with others: family, friends, roommates etc could help with the cost and there is nothing wrong with it if that’s what people want to do. 

I am just saying that having someone to pay the bills is a wrong reason for entering relationship, moving in together and getting married. Romantic relationship isn’t the same as having a roommate. That is not a healthy way to conduct relationships and it certainly is not intelligent. Entering commitments for wrong reason usually backfires. I believe people should make commitments for other valid reasons, not to find someone to pay their bills. I personally am no ones sugar mama. And if I was in no shape to support myself, I absolutely not look for a relationship to move in with someone. I’d focus my time on improving my own life until I am independent. We just have to agree to disagree.

As about BM you just have to stop worrying about her. Hopefully she found the right one to marry and if not, there is nothing you can do. 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

You’re all over the place. You got onto me because you believed I was criticizing BM for living with her father.

Now you’re implying I’m connecting cohabitation with using someone for their money. My statement is cohabitating is good for cost and mental health. Nothing about that is saying you should find a sugar daddy or that I think BM has.

I’m not implying any should get into a relationship just to have someone support them. I myself have shared an apartment with a FRIEND in the past because I knew I couldn’t afford my own place. I would prefer that to moving back with my parents or getting a random roommate.  

I’ve expressed concern about her actions and how they impact the children. I didn’t say I could or would do anything about this engagement or even that I think it’s bad. I’m hoping she gets her act together for the sake of the children because right now I don’t agree with her priorities that have caused the children to move multiple times over the past 3 years.   

I have every right to be concerned about the children I care about and to vent here about that.

thinkthrice's picture

In our case it was a BIIIIIIIG SECRET that the Gir had found the walking ATM, errrrr I mean StepDaddyBigBucks.