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Update to house (LONG)

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Thank you really quick for everyone's advice.

 

SO and I spoke more about the house so I could get a better idea of the plan. His mother is not ready to completely move out but we both agree it feels like she's preparing. She is planing to go out of state for a bit to visit her other child but she'll be taking her dogs and won't be staying. We wouldn't be surprised if she finds a place and only comes back to get things.

 

We talked about his name going on the deed. I'm not sure exactly how he's doing it but we talked about the cost of taxes and such. As far as I understand he is not being put on the deed alone. It's being done so if anything happens to his mom the home will go to him but he is not taking over ownership at this point. Again this isn't something I completely understand. I don't know if they are doing a quit claim deed or what but I do know what he's talking about is possible. My dad is doing it with my sister and our family home.

 

We discussed my name being on the home. He doesn't have an issue with it but we both agree the house is his if anything happens between us. I TRULY don't want this home if things don't work out between us. Like I said it's a family home that's gone from one member to another. It's not a high value home but has been well cared for. The plan is for us to live there and ideally it would go to one of his children when we're ready to move on. I'm ok with this. If they don't want it we'll figure out what to do then but right now selling isn't something anyone wants to do.

 

We aren't exactly low income. Together we fall into middle class. Until earlier this year I had ALOT of debt due to my ex and some medial complications in my early twenties. I went through a bankruptcy which I'm not proud of but we were struggling and getting behind. On top of it we HAD To replace his car.

 

At this point we have replaced the car. We found something small, simple, and used but with a great payment that leaves us more than enough each mother to cover other surprise expenses. The car is completely in my name and is solely mine on the loan. Should anything happen between us the plan is for him to get my old car which has very little value but runs well and me to keep this car. Should anything happen between us I CAN afford a one bedroom apartment and the car payment comfortable.

 

I have a decent paying job while being maxed out when it comes to upward movement. I work in a public hospital right now which I like because of the benefits and stability. If we move I have a good job prospect but it's in privet care which is unstable near holidays. I've worked in privet care before and I HATED it because I was considered the manager for my department without much support. I was also forced to use my PTO to make up for hours that had to be cut during holidays. This meant that I still got the same pay but didn't have freedom to use vacation when I wanted to. If we move I can get a job there (I've had it offered multiple times) but I would most likely take a small pay cut (we're talking less than a dollar per hour) since I wouldn't still be the head of the department like I am now. I would also be a risk of having to take over as manager at any moment should my boss leave which I don't want. It's more the stress of the job that worries me.

 

SO could transfer locations but at least temporarily would have to take a lower position. He also has a job offer to return to the location he was at that he MIGHT be able to get on in a higher position then he left. We aren't sure of this but basicly we both would have jobs and while we would see a pay cut its something that we could adjust to and be ok. That's of course is if our expenses don't change.

 

Now yes I am hoping VA get's settled before this all happens. I've hoped that from day one because it has the potential of doubling our monthly income or at least helping. SO IS in the process of getting that take care of. I DO know for a fact he has submitted paperwork that was requested to find more records he needs to get his DD2114 fixed. He also has an appointment with a nonprofit veteran support group. This is all stuff he told me last week that I was able to verify yesterday. Yes we're still unsure of how long this will take but it's still be worked on and SO has done all he can to take care of it at this point in time.

 

There is still a lot to figure out and things I'm not sure of. I do realize this isn't going to be cheap and I will continue to fund much of this while having no intent to get anything out of it should something happen between us. I am secure in my current position and don't intend to do anything to change that. I have a 401K which is completely mine and I have no intent to touch it early. I WILL NOT be taking from it to fund the home. That is not an option. That is also my security for the future if anything happens between us.

 

SO makes a decent amount but child support takes a third of his income. He CAN afford to live alone. He just can't do it well and to a standard the children deserve. He was managing before I met him and he could return to that. He was living in a one bedroom home near his work. He could go back to that.

 

Basicly I think there are a lot of things we don't agree on. I DON'T want to own this home myself. I'm fine putting into it and looking at it as if I'm paying rent. I understand that the rent we won't be spending will need to be saved to cover cost of repairs when they come up. I don't see that happening in the near future (6 months less) which will let us save up a couple thousand. Yes we'll take pay cuts but we're not talking thousands of dollars. We may also have a lower cost of living in that city and more important it's where we WANT to be for the children. We WANT this home for them. This may allow us to make the move we've been trying to make.

 

To summarize.

 

This IS something I WANT. This isn't something I'm just doing to make him happy. I also want to live closer to the children to be more active in their lives. I DO like this home and WILL be happy living in it. I AM happy to look at the money I put into it as if it were rent knowing if anything happens I can cut and run freely at any time. I AM secure alone and am not dependent on him I have no plan to jeopardize that or do anything that would harm my long term plans in relation to retirement. I also don't see this being the place we stay forever. Honestly I see this as the next 10 years of our lives. Once the kids have grown I see us moving on and transferring the house to the next family member. I'm OK with that. I do understand it's not the best finial move and we'll be dumping a lot into something that we don't plan to sell but I am OK with that.

 

I DO understand this is expensive and there is a lot to figure out. The thing is we DO have time to do that. This isn't happening tomorrow. The best idea I have is that we could move in completely around the start of next year. That gives us 6 months to continue to save and ensure we are stable enough to do this. It also gives us 6 months to continue working on SO's VA claim. SO HAS done everything he can at this point and we are waiting on the senators office. NO I don't know how long that will take. So far it's been a pretty fast turn around. I honestly expect something within the next week or so. This SHOULD be the final thing we need to get his claim submitted. This isn't just my thought. The VSO agrees. Once we file yes it's a waiting game but we'll also get back pay for a year+ so anywhere from 1K to 30k+ that the plan is to put into savings for the home. Again I REALIZE there's a lot of stuff that we don't know in terms of what he will get. I can only look at his disabilities compared to those I know and gauge in relation to them. I would GUESS we're looking at least 50%.

 

Again thank you. There is a lot to still figure out.

Comments

Harry's picture

But you can also look ar it as. If you bought your own home. Paid it off in 25 years. You would have X hundred thousand $.  After 25 years you are going to have 0 $.  What going to happen to the house after DH, SK going to get it ?   After 25 years DH diedes , SK throw you out ?  With 0 $.   

I don’t see a positive side to you. After owing a house, you never know what repairs are going to be needed. It’s an old house. We’re the windows, boiler, hot water heater, replace, is electrical updated.  Kitchen bathroom only last so many years without updating.  Do you want to put in a pool ? Add addition to the house, making your bedroom bigger with your own bath. 

You really have to think about this. Putting your money into a home ypu don’t own, will never get anything out of.  It will also cause fight between both of you 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Let me try this again. The ONLY reason for living in this home is because it's where the children are and let's us be more involved in their lives. In 10 years I see us moving. Neither of us wants this to be our final home so 25 years down the road doesn't matter to me. I'm not looking for my retirement. I'm looking for the next 10 years. While doing this I'm contributing to a 401K that would provide for me and SO is trying to get disability sorted out to provide for himself.

You missed where I said homes don't cost hundreds of thousands around here. There's no room for a pool. If we chose to expand we'll look at if we can afford it at that time. I know updates age and things break that's why the plan is to save what would be rent to pay for those sort of things. 

This home works for the family and life we have now.

Livingoutloud's picture

So you are only planning to stay in that house for only 10 years? Who is going to live there when you move? Kids will be too young and might not like that house. And where are you moving then? Buying a house together? You likely won’t have much to put down after you are paying for this house. Or are you going to rent again? If this house cannot be sold, then how are you planning to be out of it in 10 years? It will be on his name, where are you going to go in 10 years? And just leave the house to whoever wants it? What if no one does? 

This is a very strange plan. Why put anything into this house if you intend to just walk away? If that’s the plan, I’d be saving money for buying something nice in 10 years and let SO pay for his current house on his own. 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I don't plan to walk away, I said I can if I need to, and we'll figure the future out as it comes.

I didn't say this is the only way, I said it's a way to make it happen. I understand there are alot of factors to figure out. 

Maybe in 10 years no one wants it and he sells it. Maybe one of his children decide this is where they want to be. They will be old enough to take over uf they want. Maybe a nephew or someone else takes it. Who knows.

What I know is he's wanted this home since he moved out when BM left him. He's beinf offered a 3 bedroom home minutes from where the kids go to school. It's a good home. We can do whatever we want while we live there since it will be his. We can take the money we aren't spending on rent and save it for repairs/ other stuff.

Livingoutloud's picture

I am not saying you personally will walk away. I am saying if you two only plan to stay in this house for 10 years, where are you two going to go? Will you two just walk away? And who’ll take the house? And if this house supposedly goes to his kids, are they supposed to take possession of it in 10 years? If this house supposed to go to his kids, he needs to maintain it for longer time than 10 years! How can he sell it if you said he’s not allowed to sell it? 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I don't have the answers to all these questions. Again I just know the path I want to take and this fits into it.

Livingoutloud's picture

The thing is if you are young and healthy you can walk away from the house that you contributed to for years and still be ok.

Now imagine your relationship ends and G-d forbid you are not healthy, get ill and have to be on disability or can’t work as hard. Or you are older. Whatever you put into HIS house would be very handy at the moment yet you’ll get none of it.

Now imagine you have your own children. You’ll be contributing to the house that is solely going to your husband and then his kids from first marriage. So money that you were putting into his and ultimately his kids house would be spent on them and their house and none will go to your kids. Or this house would go to your mutual kids too? How? If it can’t be sold? 

Now again if you live in his house and only pay rent and walk away with nothing it’s maybe fine but it’s likely won’t wotk this way. Also you don’t want your own house now but what if you do in 5 years? You won’t be able as you’d be paying for his house. 

Are you planning on getting married? I’d not move unless my name is on it and it’s both ours if we are married. If my DH insisted we do such a thing, I’d have to leave my marriage as I’d not live like this. If he wants to have his own house that goes to his kids (and it’s not like he owned the house before he met you, it’s given to him while he lives with you) then he would have to do it all alone. I’d be gone. I am not materialistic but I’d feel disrespected and foolish. 

Also you think it’s all fair. No. Look you are the only contributing to 401k, he does not,  so it’s all yours. But you’ll be contributing to his house but he is the only one getting it if things go sour. How is that fair? 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I don't have any biological children nor do I think I will.

If I'm old or disabled I have my retirement / social security. 

I don't want to own my own home. If we break up there is no reason I'd stay in that town. I'm happy to move into this home with this man and apart of this family.

I have no clue what will happen in 5 years. I have an idea of what I would like and this fits into that plan. For all I know I wreck my car on the way home from work and die so I'm not going to worry too much more about 5 years. 

I have an idea of our life this week, this month, this year, the next 10 years, and so on but I'm not trapped into it.

We have a lot to figure out but I WANT to be with this man. I WANT to live in this house apart of this family. I BELIEVE things will last and if they don't I have the ability to walk away.

If I wasn't with SO there's a good chance I'd still be renting with a room mate and that would be the end of it. I don't want to build wealth through houses. I don't want to be a millionaire and have a ton of money to give away. I want to live the life I am if it remains possible.

Livingoutloud's picture

My bad about kids. I know you don’t have kids but I thought you planned on having kids with this guy. No i never suggested to build wealth through houses or that you should be a millionaire. It’s unrealistic. No one is talking about wealth, just common sense. You have to maintain some fairness. Just be careful what you signing up for and definitely see a lawyer 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I'm my eyes fairness is his house he keeps, my 401K I keep. 

Yes we talked about children but some things have come up and I'm not sure if I'll be able to. We've talked about adopting but that's all just talk.

Livingoutloud's picture

I understand about kids.

I don’t agree about fairness. It would be only fair if you put zero in his house as he puts zero into your 401k. If you contribute to maintenance of the house but it remains only his, it stops being fair. So I’d say you just must see a lawyer to discuss all of this. I’d hate you being screwed over. You said you think it will last. But I am not talking about break up, in case of death too. If you just pay rent, it’s fine but if you pay for upkeep and maintenance and things breaking etc it’s a bit different. People need to protect themselves. I know too many people completely screwed over because they didn’t think through blinded by love. See a lawyer please 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I'm not being screwed over. I don't want the house. I don't care about the house. He dies I don't need or want it. I understand what you're saying but we disagree on this factor.

Livingoutloud's picture

I don’t think you understand what we are saying. I understand you don’t want the house but you’ll be putting money into maintaining something that isn’t yours and you get no return on it and more so you don’t even want it! You will be losing money. It’s your money. The issue isn’t the house.

Sure you are losing money on renting but it’s much less than what you’ll waste on someone else’s house unless of course you’ll only pay half of the rent and half of utilities. But I doubt you won’t pay for mantenance. That’s why you get screwed. Not because you want that house. I don’t think you get it. You were already screwed over by one man and was left in a bad shape and had to go bankrupt. Now this guy. Don’t allow men to take financial advantage of you. 

If he insists this house will be strictly his and you have no rights, that’s fine but then you shouldn’t spend anything on that house. 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

You don't seem to understand that I do get that. I do understand the the possible finical impact of the home. You don't seem to get that I really don't care. You keep saing don't allow someone to take finacial advantage of me. I don't see it that way. There is more to life than money as I keep saying.

I am happy. For once in my life I am happy. I don't wake up every day with regret. I don't go to bed every night thinking over every move that I did wrong. I LIKE my life as it is and believe it will stay this way. I'm not foolish to think that there's not chance something with go wrong and have protected myself to ensure I'll be ok but till I'm proven wrong I'll keep on this path.

You keep saying I don't understand and I keep saying I do. I'm not saying I know everything. There's still alot to figure out to make sure this is even possible. I've already started looking at the numbers. I've been looking at them since last year. There's still alot to figure out but we have time.

I would be more worried if he were demanding bind myself to this home legally. If something bad happens and I don't like it I have the power to walk away and he's left with it. If I tie my name to it then I'm bound to it. If something bad happens I share in the backlash.

twoviewpoints's picture

In a more "living in the moment' approach advice than all the other longer term advice and concerns others have given, I'm going to keep it simple.

You're doing this. Ok, do it.... but please take a realistic approach to the day to day routine finances. You keep repeating that because you and SO won't have the current rent you two are paying that the no longer needed rent money will be what you're able to use for home upkeep, savings and typical unexpecteds that crop up.

Just be sure you don't over estimate especially considering you're talking about a potential wage decrease after the move for both of your jobs. You currently pay a very small amount of rent right now. IIRC you've mentioned before somewhere around $300ish. You also live in an apartment now. Apartment living tends to have a cheaper cost in routine day to day. Items like heating and cooling, garbage pick-up, water , electric usage blah blah.

Ask SO's mother to see last winter's heating bills on the home. This summer's cooling bills, ect. Compare the bills to what you and SO currently spend on this type of bill. Example numbers only, but for example, does she pay $200 a month during the winter to heat her house while you and SO currently pay $50 in winter to heat your little apartment? If so, well, there goes some of your rent saving right there.

Yes, I know, you and SO are expecting to eventually get his VA stuff settled and start receiving some disability (which would give your household a boost), but that's not coming on any dependable amount and/or timeline right now. It's in the (hopefully) near future. It can't be figured in currently.

Ask SO's mother about whether her name remains on as resident account of electric/gas and SO just pay the bill when it arrives.Or will she take her name off and transfer to his name? If so, will there be deposits needed? He currently has bad credit. Will that affect deposit and/or how much of deposit? You don't want any last minute surprises. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Excellent post. Utilities in the house are always always more expensive than in apartment. It might be so expensive that you can’t even afford it so it has to be looked at.

And I’d not hope for VA payments yet as it’s the same as hoping to win a lottery. It might happen or might not or it might be a very small amount. I’d not count on it right now. It’s better to have a pleasant surprise than disappointments 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I never said our rent was around 300. Our rent is over 500 a month. It's reasonable for where we live and if I consider what I would pay alone its close to 450. You are also lowballing our current utility bills by ALOT.

We have been considering the additional cost of utlities becuase not only will they increase but we will also have a natual gas bill that we don't have now but at the same time we do know what his mom is paying.

There are so many little factors that we understand will change but we can't get a full idea of what we will pay. Just the cost of car gas will change becuase we won't be driving two hours minimum every other week to see the children plus all the other little events that we try to go too such as going back almost every time we have them for scout trips and such.

There are other expenses that we currently have that we could adjust such as the cost of our internet, cell phone plans, streaming services like netflixs. All of these could be reduced or cut out completely if we need to. We can take on additional work if we need to. SO knows ALOT of people around the area that would pay him for odd jobs and when we first got together he did this alot.

We've got areas that are unclear that will increase our expenses but we also have areas we can adjust or tap into to increase our income.

That's not counthing the POSSIBLE VA. This isn't happening tomorrow. At best we have till the start of next year. That gives us another 6ish months to work things out. SO is VERY close to putting in a real application. Yes there may be hicccups but we'll deal with them.

 

Stepcreaturesonly's picture

Replying to last thread. Because so stunned. 

You can get a house for 50,000? You have no iDEA how incredible that sounds to me. I live in Sydney. There is nowhere in this city, not even a “trailer” (we don’t really have these) for that price. Nowhere. It astounds me. So I looked up median house prices for each state of the US. Holy crap it’s cheaper!

 

but

 

as for schools? Can I just say that I find it incredible that a country that claims everyone is born equal and has equal opportunities would have schooling paid out of local taxes. So poor people get shittily funded schools. So so so wrong. We aren’t perfect in Aust, but having worked across the school systems and areas, I can safely say that all publicly funded schools are basically equal. You have an equal chance at your education...at least within the school. (Can’t change home inputs etc). 

 

Irrelevant to this post. But I can’t work out how to answer the last one. Sorry. I don’t reply much.