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Need my step talk friends advise...

daisy0202's picture

So things are going OK...This weekend was wonderful...SD16 did sleep over but Sat and sunday was out with a friend and slept over there so only had her on Friday.

DH and I went out all weekend which was amazing....

The kicker...
Last month we went to a thing called "water fire" and this is a place outside where they light the water on walk around, theres music playing and it seems like you are in italy...It is beautiful and very romantic for couples....SD16 has told DH she wants to go "check it out"...So DH tells me to see when this is again so we all can go...My issue....This is a ROMANTIC place...Not a place that we take SD16 and a friend to hang out with us...So i told him I would rather not go with the kids...This is a place for couples...Yes some people bring there children...But it seems more little children for couples who can not get sitters...This happened last month after we went...

So Sat night DH tells the couple we are with...Hey want to go to water fire with us my daughter wants to check it out so we are going to take her :jawdrop: ahhh I look at him and say I thought we were not going to take the kids...he says well SD really wants to check it out so were going to go....I was kinda PISSED!!!!! I do not want to go to some romantic thing with my DH his DD16 and one of her girlfriends, I mean if she was bringing a boy I think it would be different....They would take off and meet us later but WTF!!!! am I wrong here????...I mean things are going OK right now but this kinda agravated me..


BaseballMom42's picture

Hmm tough one...could you maybe compromise and say to DH, "I really like our date nights when we go to water is special to me. I understand SD wants to check it out, so maybe we can take her just this one time and in the future have it be our spot?"

daisy0202's picture

Yah I told him after we got home...Ahhh i told you I did not want to go with the kids so you take SD and I'll stay home....That started a fight since he says...Things are getting so much better i thought since we dont take the kids anywhere...i stopped him right there and said i take my kids EVERYWHERE...Actually this weekend I am taking my kids to NH for a school shopping spree and mom and sons time so dont go there AT ALL!!!! He said well I take SD no where so...Well then take her to water fire....There you go...he says she wants a friend to go what am I suppose to do...I dont know DH....but now hes all please just come with us....Please....OMG...RIDICULOUS!!!! So now I am thinking should I go.....but This shit is just TO F^&^ing HARD!!!!! SERIOUSLY

Purplemom's picture

NO! Do not go! DO not let him bully you into agreeing to contaminate ANOTHER thing that should be special for you and him with SD's toxic presence.

HE STILL doesn't get it! Is he getting any therapy?

smdh's picture

your dh's fundamental problem - that is unlikely to change and therefore you will never be happy - is that he thinks that because SD WANTS something, he has to make it happen. That is the entire CRUX of your problem. SD wants, dh gives regardless of what you as an adult and his partner thinks.

just tired's picture

^^^^ THIS!

Meanwhile, I have a question. If SD wants to go "check it out", why does she need her Dadddddyyyyy to take her? (I already know the answer....but thought I'd see if you do....)

daisy0202's picture

I want this so badly to work but day by day I see it and feel OK its getting better and then this occurs and he puts it in a way that is it me....I dont understand this AT ALL!!!!

Hanny's picture

"But she's my daughter".... that's all I hear! Yea, she's your daughter, but they are also 23 and 18, let them grow up and have a life, or live with BM forever if she wants to enable them, fine, but YOU don't have to! I was married to a man for 22 years and had 5 step sons, believe me when I say, SS's are easier. Dad's just cannot tell their daughters NO!

hereiam's picture

Do not go. You already made your feelings clear and he just disregarded them. You giving in will be telling him it is okay for him to do so.

It also keeps the cycle going. He gives in to her, you give in to him so he keeps giving in to her 'cuz he knows you will give in to him.

And do not keep explaining your reason to him, you already did that.

LizzieA's picture

I agree. You have an aversion to her going there with you and you don't have to justify it. Just tell him, take her then, I don't feel right about it. And then drop it.

And his whole "I thought" - you mean you decided to make a unilateral decision after I told you how I felt. See how he twists it into evil if you won't go along? These men could give BMs lessons. Don't fall for the head games.

starfish's picture

^^all of this^^

but especially:

"And his whole "I thought" - you mean you decided to make a unilateral decision after I told you how I felt. See how he twists it into evil if you won't go along?"

karenemoy's picture

Daisy - my DH used to try and drag me into crap with his drug addict son - at first I was like ok but then just kept on saying he is not my son I am not his parent - period!

Willow2010's picture

I guess I am looking at this different. Yes, your DH was wrong to just assume you would go when you said you did not want to. However…I don’t see it as so bad that he wants to take his DD to a place he likes. He may not see it as a romantic place that you do.

I just don’t want you to fall into the trap of trying to dictate his time with his kid too much. You, yourself, even said you had a wonderful weekend. It also sounds like DH is really stepping up. It just sounds like he is not stepping up enough for you.

I think you are a great person and your SD is a crazy loon, BUUUT..I do think you are kind of looking for fault. I am just not sure why….

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Here's a novel idea. It's not necessary that SD get everything she wants. It might seem, at the time, like it is hurting her, but I promise you, it isn't.

It totally grosses me out that your husband even repeated this crap to you. Lodging a request on her behalf. It's a date/romantic type thing. If my son, 13, said to me "Mom, that romantic restaurant date you had with Hubs sounded fun. You should take me sometime..." I would have said "Parents and kids don't go on romantic date stuff together. Keep it in mind for when you start dating, and take somebody that you really like there. It's not a mother/son activity, pal." It's gross that he entertains her little fantasies. I don't know how you can stand it.

Willow2010's picture

Vick...I guess I see it as a marked improvement over where they were 6 month ago when DH could not even take a poop unless SD was there.

And yes..I agree that there is no reason why Daisy needs to go either. She does need to put her fopot down on that.

StarStuff's picture

If she's 16 then why can't she and her friend go by themselves? When I was 16 I had my own transportation and job (money). I see no reason why yall should have to take her.