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His Texts are breaking my heart

cpreston's picture

Paraphrased
I can do this now
I know what has been wrong
I’m angry about other things but I know I love you
We have had great times together
I’m seeking help and going to the gym
I will ask you and your DD every day if you are happy
I will never raise my voice to you again and I will finish every day with you in my arms so help me God

I will do anything I can to make you happy
Just date me and see

“SS” and I talked and are both willing to make changes
He suggested family dinners every night
He would do the prep and work with you or cook and you take the night off, key being family dinners
He misses when you two got along
He’s been paying every week and buying groceries and cleaning
He has an idea for sharing cleaning, everyone does 15 minutes per week

I know what you need better than anybody ever has
A load has been lifted off my mind, my boss told me my job is safe
SS talked to me about my tone
I’m going to discuss it on Tuesday
I will be working toward getting you both back
***********************************************
My DD asked me why I was crying last night, I told her about the texts and she said, If you move back, I'd would like to just live here with mom-mom

Comments

Shaman29's picture

Being the victim of physical, emotional and mental abuse I can honestly tell you these are just words to lure you back. And if you go back, things would be awesome for a while. Then once he (they) believe you're tied back in and complacent, it will start all over again.

Abusers need victims, it's much easier to get their old victim back than it is to groom a new one. Believe it or not, the most difficult step isn't leaving, it's staying away and not becoming caught in their web again.

If you are able, please get some counseling so you can find your inner strength and the courage you need to cut these ties. I have been in your shoes (without the kid) and I know what you're feeling right now.

These kind of men do not change. These are just words but look at them as a breadcrumbs leading to the ultimate trap.

(((((hugs to cpreston))))) Keep writing and keep coming back for support. Those of us that have been in your shoes will support you.

overworkedmom's picture

I know this has to be breaking your heart. Being torn is miserable. Your DH is making promises, only time can tell if he is serious. How long can you stay where you are? Is him proving himself for a while an option?

cpreston's picture

I am at my Mom's
she works out of state monday thru friday so we have the house to ourselves and she told me I can stay as long as I want

I am extremely grateful to her for this

overworkedmom's picture

Here is the thing. You and I were kind of going through the same thing. I don't know if my husband will keep this new leaf turned but I can say that he is trying for the first time in years. I feel like he is truly wanting me to stay, and not for the "nanny, maid, chauffeur service". He wants me for me. Maybe, just maybe, your husband has woken up too.

I can't know for sure that my DH will keep up what he has been doing, and I certainly don't know what yours is willing to do, but if you have a safe place to go and support- maybe dating and working on your marriage isn't the worst thing in the world.

I don't know girl, I just hope you can be happy. I am here for you if you want to PM.

cpreston's picture

This is my gut instinct
that things will be awkward at first when I go back and then okay for a while and then he'll fall back into the same bullshit of gritting his teeth at me and punching the arm of the sofa when DD tells him to back off about something trivial

and the son... notice that there's no mention of the son leaving, only NOW that I've left that the SON is cleaning (which I think is a lie, I went to get mail, thought he was gone but I found HIM cleaning, not the son

AND paying rent?
right... for how long
weeks? I've been gone since July 26
that's two pay checks
so he's given money out of TWO pay checks and I'm supposed to believe that everything is all good now

I know he's saying what he can to get me back
I know that HE is hurting terribly and I am not happy that This is hurting him
I don’t want him to want me anymore
I want him to just go

DaizyDuke's picture

I don't mean to be a jerk here, but I think this guy is a dick for bringing SS into it. Who the F does this? So in essence he has made SS partially "responsible" for the break up?? Nice, just nice.

SS may be 10000% responsible for the break-up but that should be between the two adults involved

ybarra357's picture

^^Totally agree with this.

The one that really gets to me is the line, “SS” and I talked and are both willing to make changes” Are you freaking kidding me?? SS and him?? Why is he STILL involving SS in the mix?

cpreston's picture

SS is a 28 year old leech who, prior to my leaving, did NOTHING to help out around the house, broke every house rule that you can imagine, knocked up his girlfriend, moved the pregnant girlfriend in who then also proceeded to do NOTHING to help out around the house, neither of them paid rent (well with the exception of the first few payments and then everything was just forgotten about and not enforced by my husband)
SS has been confrontational with me when I have told him that the NEW girlfriend can't sleep over, or go upstairs or be in the house at all hours of the night
he's been confrontational with me when I've gotten on him about cleaning up after himself and his kid
he is part of the problem
and the fact that my husband has ignored every single protest, plea, demand when it comes to this train wreck of a person is also the problem, as is his poor treatment of my child

DaizyDuke's picture

oh geesh! I though skid was a teenager... Yeah, I'd be gone too if I was living with this reject of a skid. Sad

purpledaisies's picture

Sorry but if he can't come over and start doing what he says them he doesn't mean it. Plus he text you not even called but text! He should be doing this in person and showing you the changes not just telling you them let alone in a text.

hereiam's picture

I already stated I think he is full of crap, but I just wanted to add that if I left my husband and he wanted to get me back, texting me is not the way to go about it.

cpreston's picture

I'm not taking his calls anymore

the only way that he has left to communicate is by e-mail or text

purpledaisies's picture

When my mom left my dad they were in Cali. And mom took us to Ark. My dad hitched a ride from Cali to Ark just to get back with my mom. He meant it that he would change and he did but it took mom months to move back in other jim he had to prove it. But if he hadn't FOLLOWED her she never would have gave him a chance.

That's my point he should be doing something more than just pick up a phone and type. That is just pushing words. Its action he needs to be doing.

Drac0's picture

I like that.

DW joked with me once saying that if I left her she would stalk me. I responded that I would do the some.

Annoyed1's picture

Don't go back! You left for a reason and that is the hardest part! Good for you! Keep your head up! The sky is the limit! Life is too short.

BSgoinon's picture

BE STRONG CP, please... think of YOU during all of this. You have made the first move, and that is the hardest part. Just stick to your guns sweetie. It gets easier. I went back out of pity once. Ended up having 2 kids after than and STILL ended up divorced. Actions speak louder than text, and he has MANY chances to ACT on it. He won't change.

misSTEP's picture

I have to say that when I moved out, my DH changed. It's been over two years and he is still changed. However, he did get diagnosed and on meds for a few issues. He also went through treatment for alcoholism.

Actions speak louder than words. I would maybe let him show you how he's changed but take his words with a HUGE grain of salt.

Bojangles's picture

If you're not taking calls then don't read his texts or emails either. It will be easier that way. Even if he thinks he means it, I guarantee he is not capable of following through. He is trying to be someone he's not because he doesn't want to be alone. He has to change for himself in order to be capable of maintaining it, he has to be by himself in order to demonstrate that change. In any case your daughter has made her feelings clear, she would rather not live with you than have to live with him again. If he really was as unfairly hard on her as you have previously posted then I would not put my daughter through that again.

cpreston's picture

What do I want him to change?

I want him to NOT discount me, my feelings
I want him to NOT treat me like a lesser human being incapable of doing anything without being told exactly HOW to do it
I want him to not SCOLD me like a child if I’m not doing something to HIS standards
I want him to NOT humiliate me in front of people
NEVER gnash his teeth at me and punch the arm of the sofa or whatever is near when I say something contrary to what he’s telling me
NOT twist my words against me when we’re having an argument
NOT threaten physical violence against my daughter
NOT compare me to his drug addicted cheating ex-wife
NOT make me feel as if there is no way to win
NOT isolate me from having friends
NOT dictate my comings and goings to me
GET his lazy, good for nothing, ungrateful, freeloading adult son out of the house
SELL the house that his mother died in, his elder son fled from, that his ex-wife lived in
Treat my daughter with respect
Be less critical and judgemental of my kid
STOP finding things to pick a fight over with my kid
STOP calling her names
STOP telling her that she’s lazy, smelly, rude
ENCOURAGE her efforts to better herself instead of criticizing the organizations which she involves herself with
LET HER TALK without interrupting, interjecting, and acting annoyed when she tried to explain something/someone to you

Do you think that therapy can fix that?

Bojangles's picture

Probably not and its not worth the risk given the impact on your daughter. That's a catalogue of emotionally abusive behaviour.