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WWIII last night… not sure whether it’s even worth saving this marriage

cpreston's picture

At dinner last night, I told the mister that I had to send Leech ANOTHER text, to tell him to empty the blow up pool he bought and put on the back deck…it’s been sitting with stagnant water and has become a breeding place for mosquitos…
(yeah ok whatever)

Um, he came home and set to washing his car…
So I also asked “did you mention rent to Leech?”
His answer was “when have I had a chance to do that?”
I said “how about when you were walking past him into the house, while he is washing his car?”
“I’m too tired… all I could think about was coming home and sitting down on the couch to close my eyes for five minutes”

Then my 13yo daughter speaks up…
“how come Leech and G/F get to do whatever they want and not pay rent and not have to help out around the house? Are they EVER going to move out? Sheesh, he’s 24 years old and has a kid and still lives at HOME”

Husband says “he’s 27 years old”
Daughter says “you’re not making a case for him any better…”
Husband starts going into the mode where he tries to turn the tables and starts talking about how my sister lived w/ my mom, I defend her “for ten months prior to her marriage, and they saved enough to put down on a house”
So finally he says

I KNOW, I KNOW, I’ve been hearing it from (his daughter), from you, and now from HER too (pointing at my daughter)

And he went off from there… yelled at my daughter… yelled at me, I don’t even remember what he was yelling about

THEN he says to me “fine… so when they start to do work around the house and pay rent… I am gonna RIDE YOUR KIDS ASS LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS ABOUT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING”

What
The
Fuck

Really? Well, why don’t you just tell that “prince” of a son of yours, whom I am never to confront directly about any of my concerns or grievances that he and his girlfriend and their baby can just STAY here with you
The FOUR Of you can have a grand old life together!

Because I am NOT going to allow you to mentally abuse my daughter… you’re coming after her because she had the AUDACITY to give you her opinion? She had the AUDACITY to question a 27 year old MAN (I did the air quotes) who is being supported by his father and step mother AND has his GIRLFRIEND AND CHILD being supported by his father and step-mother??

Really??

So he tries to say that my kid doesn’t do any chores… I said she does whatever I ask her to do, whenever I ask her to do them… he tells me that’s not true… or I just don’t tell her to do anything

I said “you’re right… I don’t ask her to do chores anymore… why SHOULD SHE DO CHORES WHEN YOUR LAZY FUCKING SON AND HIS LAZY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND DO NOTHING???”

Apparently he had enough at that moment, because he stormed upstairs… called his son.
Told his son, You ‘have to pay rent and you and your girlfriend have to do chores every week or you can’t live here

His son apparently was eavesdropping on the argument from the garage but didn’t have the BALLS to come in and say anything himself

He told me that his son said:
“I can’t commit to that… I can do chores, but G/F just won’t. I talked to her about it already, and she just won’t do anything… and I really don’t have any money to give you for rent…but I’ll move out in two months”

I lost MY shit then… because my husband was all like “are you happy, they’re moving out…is there ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT?? (sarcasm)
I told him you can’t make ME the bad guy for forcing your hand on this…if you don’t think that it’s RIGHT for this to happen, then I will gladly just go… I think I’m just going to go anyway… because what you threatened to do to my daughter… I can’t be married to you

He later told me that he’s not going to vegas (I bought the plane tickets, he made the hotel reservations using his comps… so has paid NOTHING out of pocket for this trip!

I told him I want the $1200 to reimburse me for the airfare and he just laughed

Comments

overworkedmom's picture

Oh my.... Wow.... I am not really sure what else to say other than I can't blame you at all. I can't believe that he was comparing a 27 yr old with a child to a 13 yr old! And if GF wont do chores than she can leave with the kid NOW. Not in 2 months but today. She better start doing a hell of a lot around the house. Or if you are leaving then F it... They can sit in filth together...

Maybe a trip to vegas with you and a girlfriend is really the best option! Can you get plane tickets changed?

DaizyDuke's picture

See I worry about this since SD14 moved in with us. That if she ever decides to move back with BM or if it comes to the point where she is older and obviously mooching and I have to force DH hand, that I will be the bad guy and it will be held against me for the rest of my life.

No matter what, YOU will be the bad guy in this, when in reality your DH CREATED this whole problem by letting SS/GF/baby move in with you and then facilitated their laziness and lack of paying rent. How is he even OK with all of this? I can promise you that if my BS2 was 27 years old, knocked some girl up and then expected to move the whole fam damily in with me, there would be rules and stipulations and it would be clear that it was short term and that if the rules and conditions were not met that they should make other arrangements.

Your SS/GF are the type of people who simply WON'T step up and take care of themselves until they are forced to do so. That is your DH JOB as a parent!

cpreston's picture

He knows it’s his job
He knows that he’s been doing nothing but enabling his son
His son NEVER LEFT…
I brought it up last night while we were arguing

What about the HOUSE RULES??

Your DAMN SON has never been made to follow ANY of the house rules and my kid has been witness to this double standard from the time she was LITTLE

Curfew, went out the door
Nobody of the opposite sex allowed upstairs, bullshit
If you’re in school you can live here but if you’re not in school you either move out or PAY RENT

Your daughter had to live by these rules, MY (older) daughter had to live by these rules, Younger daughter has to live by these rules… but your SON doesn’t have to live by these rules
And he breaks all the rules and what happens? Nothing! No consequences UNTIL his girlfriend gets pregnant… and then guess what??? STILL NO CONSEQUENCES because he isn’t TAKING CARE OF HIS FAMILY… WE ARE

You swoop in and save him by letting her move in “for a few months, once the baby is born, she’ll go back to work and they can get on their feet”

THE BABY IS A YEAR AND A HALF OLD and she works one FUCKING DAY A WEEK AND USES THAT MONEY TO GET HER FUCKING MANICURES AND PEDICURES….

THEY’VE GOT NO INTENTIONS OF MOVING OUT BECAUSE YOU DON’T FORCE THEM TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEMSELVES AND I AM NOT **ALLOWED** TO DISCUSS THIS DIRECTLY WITH EITHER OF THEM!!

herewegoagain's picture

His son is wrong, the GF is wrong and your DH is wrong...but YOUR DAUGHTER is also wrong here. I don't think that you should have allowed your daughter to question your husband about anything, no more than you would have liked that his son question YOU about anything. This all should be an issue for you and your husband to discuss, not for your 13yr old daughter to have been in the middle of. Had he allowed his son to get into this mess with you, you would have been livid. It's not your daughters right to question who pays for what in that house. It is only the right of those who PAY for the house to question it.

SMof2Girls's picture

I agree 100% .. 13yo kids have NO place in the argument. Having an opinion is one thing, knowing when it's acceptable to voice it is another.

cpreston's picture

My kid voiced her opinion and it sent him over the top

WHAT she said wasn’t wrong… she’s been held to task for every rule in the house… and she’s sat by for this long saying nothing, while she’s observed that SHE is accountable but LEECH is not…

I’m not the only one who’s had it with the double standard… I don’t blame her and I told her so… she feels badly that it caused the argument, she heard everything…she’s feeling guilty enough.

herewegoagain's picture

If your kid felt that she had double standards, then you should have addressed that with her and him SEPARATELY from this issue. This issue was about his son, his lack of paying for rent, his laziness and your daughter had no business getting involved in this conversation. If she is tired of the double standards, then you as a parent should have said to her "you are right, there are double standards here and you and I will work on this with DH tomorrow, blah, blah, blah"...but to allow her to disrespect your DH, to allow her to be in the middle of a conversation where she did not belong, and then to make excuses for her, is wrong. You are not helping your daughter with her issues in anyway, you are only using her anger at the double standards to help your case against your DH's son...

cpreston's picture

snickersgal, she lived in FILTH with her mother... have you ever seen the TV show about the hoarders... that's what her mother's house looked like.
the kitchen floor rotted out because of all the garbage piled up in it... the toilets were BLACK!

the woman took a house worth over $200K in this weak housing market and sold it for less than half of that, so she could just walk away from it to move in with a boyfriend

LizzieA's picture

This is a perfect example of him showing his "protectiveness" toward his son. Obviously he doesn't have the balls to make requirements of him OR he truly feels that he shouldn't have to help or pay to live there. A very visible display of enabling his son to remain a juvenile.

I would find it hard to take his attacking your DD, too. First of all, there is NO comparison (you'd hope) between a 27 yo man and a 13 yo child. This type of response is very childish and immature on his part.

I would have a very hard time living with people who don't feel they need to be helpful while living in your home. That shows extremely poor character. Who is going to cook/clean/do maintenance on their own place? The tooth fairy?

I am surprised you've made it this far and have been amazed at your generosity of allowing them another year. I couldn't do it, although in my last marriage, I was bullied so perhaps that is happening to you?!

Willow2010's picture

Then my 13yo daughter speaks up…
“how come Leech and G/F get to do whatever they want and not pay rent and not have to help out around the house? Are they EVER going to move out? Sheesh, he’s 24 years old and has a kid and still lives at HOME”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

OMG...I hate to tell you but I would have freaked out like your DH did.

I do agree that your DH should push out his kid...but you should not let a 13 year old treat your husband like her equal.

I feel for you. It is a shit situation.

bulletproof's picture

I agree that your daughter was wrong. I'm sure you were just thankful to have someone else recognize how ridiculous this situation is, but she was wrong.

It sounds to me like he is struggling with this himself. He knows he shouldn't be doing this for his son. He knows his son is using him. But he has a conscience. He sees his poor grandchild, born to two human beings that don't care about others. My bet is part of him is concerned for that child. Right now he can see what's happening to and for that baby, but when they go he can't. I think the other part is definitely him enabling his son for whatever reason. Maybe he doesn't want to see him fail because he equates that to him failing somehow.

Have you sat down and just said, "I will not speak, I will only listen. I want to know how you're feeling about this situation. I've realized that I've only been focusing on my feelings and thoughts toward it, and that's wrong. He is your son and I want to know how you feel." Then listen. Then maybe ask him how he would handle it if you told him you didn't want to have a say in it. See what he says.

I found that when my DH is super protective over SS7, it is because somehow it is affecting him--like how I said your husband probably feels guilty and like this is his fault somehow. DH gets really upset when I don't ask how he feels, and when I do what I just suggested to you it makes a world of difference and I usually end up getting great results. I know our husbands aren't the same, but maybe it's worth a try (if you haven't done it yet).

BSgoinon's picture

GF just WON'T do chores??? GF can move the EFF OUT!!! What the hell, she is living with her BF"s parents for FREE and she won't clean up? Sounds like a BM in the making right there!! Holy shit, I would have lost it right then and there. I don't know how you keep your mouth shut!!

cpreston's picture

Why won't they just kick her out?

I have been trying to do this for the last year
THEN she enrolled in school so we HAVE to give her the opportunity to get an education because she's the MOTHER OF OUR GRANDSON

I love my grandson, but he's not MY kid, he has parents who are NOT going to take any responsiblity unless FORCED to do so, and my husband has been UNWILLING to do that

his 31 year old daughter told him what she thinks of this situation, I have told him what I think of this situation

I guess if I had just thrown their stuff on the street and changed the locks, I'd be in the same position I am now (looking up prices for a two bedroom apartment) only it'd have happened a lot sooner

unsure99's picture

I agree with Stepdown here, your daughter is NOT the problem. I don't think it's bad that she said anything either, who on here really knows what she has kept her mouth shut about and for how long. We all reach a breaking point once in a while and sounds like she had sit back and watched it all unfold for several years and maybe she was defending her mother in a way. I think that he reacted the way he did because a 13 year old was telling him what he already knows and don't want to face. He is an idiot!!

bi's picture

i'm on this side of the fence, too. she is being treated unfairly, and she has every right to question WHY that is happening. even kids have breaking points. i sure as hell wouldn't have been able to watch that crap going on and be held to higher expectations than ADULTS at 13 and be threatened by an asshole sf because sm expects his grown son to GROW UP, either! why should this girl get stuck cleaning up after 2 adults and their baby? damn right she had good reason to be pissed and speak up!

cpreston's picture

Thank you…she snapped, not saying it’s “right” but not saying that she’s totally at fault here either

Leech has a habit of trying to “tattle” on my daughter, like a little effing kid
He blames her for stuff getting broken instead of accepting responsibility
He ‘rats’ her out at every opportunity he can get
He teases her by calling her a particular nickname surrounding her last name which she absolutely HATES
She’s gotta live with THIS… PLUS she has to live with watching him and his G/F come and go as they please and not be held responsible for ANYTHING… when she has her own rules and responsibilties, which if they’re broken, she has to deal with consequences

She’s complained to me about this before, I’ve mentioned it to my husband before… none of that accomplished ANYTHING and she knows it… so she blurted out how she felt…

Go back to: WHAT she said wasn’t wrong… the fact that she said it may have been disrespectful, but I think she’s been losing respect for my husband steadily because she sees the way he’s been doling out a double standard of treatment in our house for YEARS now…

bi's picture

that's a good point. if he has earned her disrespect, she isn't going to sound very respectful. she doesn't automatically owe him respect, especially if he treats her badly. i HATED my sf. i wasn't mouthy or anything, i just avoided him. he seeked me out to antagonize me every chance he got. he wanted to push me and push me and push me until i got mad, then he would use my anger as an excuse to take a belt to me (younger) or ground me (teenager) from everything but my books, which if he knew how much i love to read, those would have been the first thing to go, but as uneducated and ignorant as he was, books never even entered his pea brain.

point being, a person does not automatically deserve respect from a child just because they are an adult.

cpreston's picture

We have a joint account… but it’s “his” account. We have to have a joint account for the mortgage. I don’t have it in me to just take $1200 out of the mortgage account… plus I’d be screwing myself credit wise if I did that

Both of us have our own separate checking/savings accounts because we split bills

Delilah's picture

I think you really need to decide what you want and make that decision based on the here and now, how people are behaving NOW and not what if's and dreams.

Ideally no, your DD wouldnt have said anything because a child shouldnt really be confrontationally questioning one of the main breadwinners of the house, but I am with you in that it seems she has had enough of the double standards and living in a stressful environment. No one wants to live in an unhappy home.

Urgh.

Firstly. Do NOT ask your DH again about Vegas, please don't. Go with a friend and have a blast. If DH wants to be an idiot then let him carry on. Your DH is acting like he is the one who has ALL the control in your home, that isnt a marriage that is a dictatorship, and when you reasonably and rightfully question the skewed dynamics of the house (as DH's life partner). He throws a childish fit designed to put you back into your mute box, because DH doesn't want to have to *really* address the situation with his son and his gf. Yes, I can appreciate he fears for his grandson but does he think enabling them will help GS in the long run? It doesn't. This fear and guilt disables him from knowing what to do, how to do it and instead of fessing up he shoots the messenger of the obvious...YOU.

IMO you have given ss and his adult gf a year and a half of help and numerous opportunity to sort themselves out, however instead of viewing your assistance as an opportunity to save, plan and be sensible they see you as a free ride and it will not change. Your ss has now mentioned moving out in two months. Well I would be following up on his conversation with DH and ensuring he sticks to this, that it isnt an attempt to guilt daddy into relenting and backtracking (or at the least shutting up dad so that he will forget about what has been agreed). Don't feel guilty or awful about having that conversation with ss either...

If ss has no intention of moving out by then, I would be putting his arse out on the street as they both are ruining your marriage, not caring about the stress and pain its causing you all. So I would put my consideration in park and think about ME, my marriage FIRST. NO way in hell would I allow my adult skid to ruin my home, my marriage and my kids peace of mind.

If by doing this, causes your marriage to be damaged/over then frankly I would be considering the damage your DH has allowed to happen with his unfair behaviour and disrespectful family.

B22S22's picture

I am on the fence with your DD's input also... not right, but not wrong. I have seen my own DD do something of the sort - not necessarily "question" my DH's decisions pertaining to his children but there have been times where she has behaved towards him in the same manner his children behave towards me (and are "allowed" to because my DH says nothing).

Did I think it was right? No. But did it give me an opportunity to instill some life-learning with my DH? Yes. I pointed out that my DD14 treated him the way his sons treat me, so should I take his lead and give her the same consequences he gives them (none)? it opened his eyes.

But the other concern I would have if I were in your position -- say the SS/GF/SGS all move out. How will your DH treat you and your daughter? Will he always harbor resentment towards the two of you? Will he allow that resentment to surface in being intentionally mean?

I'm not one to automatically say "leave" -- but I don't think you are in a position that will have a happy ending regardless of what happens. If they stay or if they go, ultimately it sounds like you (and your DD14) will pay a hefty price.

SimplyTired's picture

I have to say leave. Seriously if my DH threatened my daughter like that I'd leave. Start taking your name off everything...your daughter is seriously suffering and honestly the environment isn't good for either of you. Your DH as shown no respect or you, or how all of this is impacting your daughter.

Your daughter has held her mouth long enough and honestly has a right to burst when it builds up...in this case she let it out. However, I must say she handled it well. Some people call it disrespectful...but if you want respect, you first must give it. Thats what my grandmother always said. Clearly DH isn't giving it, so DD has a right to have her voice heard.

Start taking your name off the accounts...set money aside, show your husband how serious you are. If he truely loves you his eyes will open. If he has not seen what it's doing then I'm afraid it's time to leave. Clearly this would show he holds no value to you, your feeling, your daughter, and ultimately your marriage. If this is the case I am sorry, but I've learned love is not the only thing a marriage needs. Do what's best for your daughter...put her 1st.

Best of luck!