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A Different Life: Googling, Daydreaming, and Goal Setting

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

Last night I once again found myself cuddled up under my favorite comforter Googling "Running Away as an Adult".  I have no immediate plans to "run away" from my life, however, I did decide to work harder toward creating a life I actually love and therefore simultaneously prepare myself for a future on my own if that day ever comes. 

The reality is...If I HAD to leave right now, it would be very stressful.  I don't have savings, haven't had much in my name for years to build credit, and my health both emotionally and physically is not on point.  I gave my car to DS when he graduated, so the old jeep I drive now is actually in MR. ED's name.  I just never had a need to buy me another after he got a shiny newer one for himself.  If I had to leave now, maybe I could get it done or maybe my depression and anxiety would creep back in hard.  I don't feel comfortable with the odds.  Plus...the million-dollar question is...would I put up with all this dysfunction if I were comfortable picking up and leaving at a moment's notice?  That is a hard reality pill to swallow, but I will never really know the answer until I put myself in a better position to make those decisions with a clear head.

So, while googling and daydreaming, I came up with a few goals to work on...

  • I want to buy a van to convert to a super cute mobile living/traveling/workspace.  If you haven't seen this trend, check it out on YouTube.  There are some pretty creative and amazing nomadic people out there!  MR. ED and I have talked about doing this anyway for when SD16 leaves the nest and we get more time to travel and do cross-country thrifting/antiquing.  Not sure if he will ever actually do that with me, but I would totally rock this as an instant mobile home/mobile office if I ever left out on my own.  It could be an awesome adventure!  If things work out...I'll have a nicely decked out work/travel van in my name and I'll just feel better about that!
  • I want to study harder to become fluent in Spanish.  I have Latin roots, but can only carry on a basic conversation or sing a song at this point.  I was on my way to becoming fluent when I meshed with MR. ED, but I stopped hanging out with multi-cultural friends, going salsa dancing, and therefore having regular opportunities to speak Spanish.  Being fluent could add a good bonus source of income as a translator, help my confidence, and may come in handy if I ever decide to escape to a tropical hideaway.  This house is pretty culturally deficient, so I'm working on rekindling some friendships and pulling out the Rosetta Stone software.  The salsa dancing might cause an understandable riff, so not sure if that will be in the mix just yet.
  • I want to get in better physical shape and lose weight.  When I left for a month, I dropped 20 lbs...seriously.  I ate better, I shopped more efficiently, and I got out of the house (or extended-stay hotel) so much more. I was ACTIVE.  Pre-MR. ED, I went to the gym 3-5 days/week, went dancing a few times/month, and hiked regularly.  I haven't done any of that for years!  Losing weight again will help my confidence, I'll stop feeling like an old person, it may help our romantic life, and if I ever do find myself single again...I'll feel and look damn good! ;)  It is so hard to eat healthy around people who eat totally unhealthy.  I'll have to work hard on this one.
  • I want to work harder and save more.  Disengagement is the key to this one.  The less time I waste on stressing over SKIDS and taking care of responsibilities that should be MR. ED's, the more time I have to spend on earning and saving money.  I'm done wasting that time.  When I finish this post, I'm throwing out my big beautiful magnetic Household To-Do Board hanging in the kitchen. F-it!  I like my home clean, love to cook, and enjoy decorating, but I never wanted to be a domestic goddess/maid. I told MR. ED last night I'm no longer doing his laundry or picking up after him or SKIDS around the house.  The look on his face, you'd swear I told him I was leaving him!  "W-w-what?!?!  O-ok."  *ROFL* My mind is shifting more to building my business, enjoying my home, and enjoying my relationship with MR. ED.  My mind is no longer on being their maid, chauffeur, personal assistant, cook, dishwasher, and knower-of-where-all-things-are.  

Is anyone else working on doing more of what they love or prepping for a possible 'escape'?  I'd love to hear what you're working on or things you miss doing that you'd like to reclaim. 

Not your circus, not your monkeys, and they do not define who you are! *yahoo*

Comments

Aniki's picture

Sounds like good planning. Smile

Why don't you get some salsa dvds to follow along with and dance at home to improve your physical health?

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

but for me it doesn't quite cut it.  The best part of salsa/latin dancing for me was the atmosphere, the vibe in the air, ya know?  It's hard to explain, but the best way I can describe the feeling was like a celebration with friends every Latin Night.  Ahhh...

I tell ya though, a good Zumba class has come pretty close to that feeling for me!  I've been meaning to check some out around here for a while now, so it looks like that time has come! Smile

tog redux's picture

Good for you!  Soooo many people come on here, get the advice to disengage, and give 10 reasons why they can't possibly do that, all of which are rooted in FEAR.  "I can't do that because the house would be a mess. I can't do that because I don't want to get divorced again.  I can't do that because the skids will fail.  I can't do that because BM will take DH back to court. I can't do that because I LOVE him ... (insert excuse here)."

You are harnessing the only power you have - your personal power to change/control your own behavior. 

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

Yeah, I use to say I can't leave their stuff lying because the house will be a mess, but I'm going to let that go.  I did think about sticking post-its with "not mine" on all the slushie cups, paper plates, socks, chip bags and pop-cans they will inevitably leave around, but I thought that might be a bit passive aggressive, yeah? lol  

The thing is...I have been taking on responsibilities to make up for their irresponsibility or laziness. That's just ridiculous. lol  In all honesty, if I was treated with more kindness and people around here would offer to share in responsibilities, I'd be happy to do most of the stuff I do.  I'm just so tired of everyone telling me they can't do this or that because they don't have time, don't know how to do it, or don't know where something is.  I DON"T HAVE TIME TO DO WHAT I NEED TO DO FOR MYSELF AND FOR THIS FAMILY BECAUSE YOU DON'T MAKE TIME TO PICK UP YOUR CRAP AND CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF!  Oh...that felt good. Smile

tog redux's picture

Yes, exactly. I pick up after DH and do his laundry because he does other chores that contribute to our home and our relationship.  

You might find though - that you want to keep certain rooms clean, whichever drive you the craziest. Then you won't be as bothered. 

MurphysLaw's picture

Another completely free way to study/practice Spanish is to change the settings on your cell & TV. Everyday practice for free.

Evil3's picture

This is exactly what I've been doing since a Mother's Day mini-wife betrayal. I've been pretty much ignoring DH and focusing on everything but my marriage. I've been going to karate camps, ramping up my fitness and doing juice fasts, gardening, and planning a holiday with DD19. I won a promotion at work, but they cancelled the position due to funding, so I'm stuck at work in my old job that I hate. I've been putting in requirements for my development and management has been meeting them. I got to feeling pretty darn low, but the focus on everything else took my focus off of my DH and the mini-wife situation. Before, I was obsessed with the mini-wife dynamic and it was destroying me. I was on constant edge waiting for the next mini-wife episode and wondering how will I protect myself from the hurt. I was planning on leaving DH, but honestly I think that what Step Lightly said is what's really happening. Having the option to leave makes staying an option as well. I still don't know if I'll stay with DH, but I'm not thinking about that too much right now. I'm still too raw to make a decision on that and that's OK. I have so many other things that I've ramped up and even reclaimed. I have an amazing garden and am working in it every day.