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SD talking to her 2-year-old son in Spanish

dlibyd's picture

This is slightly off topic, though it does involve my younger SD, but not a step-issue per se. Just one of many things SD22 does that drives me crazy, and I'd like to get some feedback on it.

To make a very long drama-filled story short, SD22 had a baby boy just over 2 years ago. The father is an illegal Mexican immigrant (we live in the USA) who has been abusive to her, and speaks no English. SD22 is no longer living with him, but did for several years, and since he is either unwilling or unable to learn English, she became fluent in Spanish. Which is all well and good, being bi-lingual is a good thing.

But SD22 is constantly talking to her 2-year-old son in Spanish when she's around us. Sometimes English too, but it seems about half of what she says to him is in Spanish. First of all, maybe it's just me, but I've always considered it rude when people talk a foreign language in the presence of English-speaking-only company. Secondly, this poor kid barely speaks yet, and I can't help but wonder if his little brain is confused by the mix of languages being presented to him. After all, how would he know that there is more than one language, and how would he differentiate? I worry that when he does start talking, it will be in a mix of English and Spanish.

It seems wrong to me to raise a child born in the USA, and not teach him English as his primary language. Being bi-lingual can come later. There are enough people in this country who don't speak the native language.

I try to keep my nose out of SD's affairs, but I am finding this increasingly annoying, and having a harder time holding my tongue. I want to at least be able to say, when you're in my home, please speak English. If you want to speak to him in Spanish, do it elsewhere. Am I out of line about this?

Comments

3familiesIn1's picture

I struggle with this one. My DH speaks to his kids in spanish - but only when he is angry with them it seems - so to me its bothersome since its done only when I am to stay out of it?? i can't help but feel that way.

I am all for bi-lingual though - so this is where I feel bad for being angry when he flips to Spanish on me.

Kids learn language better before age 2. The SKIDS are in english only schooling here, so at home Spanish is really all they will get. BM only speaks spanish to the kids.

SS6 has trouble with language in general - he is 6 and can barley carry on a conversation in either language. Last year in K he was put in a special english class for that very reason because he spoke a form of 'spanglish' where he was mixing words, I want jugo ! for example SS6 continues to be very very difficult to understand and its very hard on him in many ways.

SD12 didn't seem to have the problems SS6 has. In his case, I think BM and DH need to concentrate on his english skills due to his struggles.

I also find SS6 'making fun' of my daughters saying you don't even know spanish or what it is - its frustrating for me some days.

EDIT: Also a side effect, BD12 is refusing to take Spanish classes in school now, she wants Mandarin or French (I speak french) because SD12 speaks Spanish and makes BD12 feel stupid.... sigh

Ommy's picture

It is actually extremely smart to start at that age. Children develop and they absorb everything and it is a lot easier for them to develop speaking two languages. It is had as a teenager/adult to learn a second language that is why other countries start in pre/grade school. We had a German exchange student in high school that spoke 6 languages, he was fluent in them by 7 grade.

Personally I think that your SD is smart for starting young.

CrazieCoconut86's picture

I know how you feel. DH moved his GM83 in with us and they will speak spanish to eachother. She is from South America and took DH there when he was a child to live for several years. They are fluent. Me, I just sit there and nod my head. It has always been hard for me to learn another language, it just takes me longer to comprehend language.

With a child, they can actually differentiate the languages. I know I heard somewhere that experts have said the best time to learn different languages is from up to age 5 because of how the brain is developing. So long as your SD is taking the time to speak to him in both english and spanish, and SGS is showing that he is understanding both of the languages (ex. you can show him a picture of a cat and he can say both "cat" and "gato") then he should be fine. He will actually be ahead of his generation, in a way, because he will be bi-lingual from the get go.

I saw one of those "baby Stories" on tv, where the mother was american and the father was i think from Norway or Sweden. The couple already had a child who was 4 or 5. When dad spoke to the child, he only spoke to the child in his native tounge, when mom spoke to the child, she always did so in english. This allowed the child to be bi-lingual from the moment he started speaking.

magnummom's picture

If children are taught they can learn up to 5 languages before the age of 5. There was a huge study on it. You have to speak it to the children constantly and they pick it up. If you point the color red and say red, roho, red, roho, red, roho, the kid is going to know that the color is red, which is roho in spanish. It's awesome that she's doing this!

I understand it could be a little irritating but she's doing the best thing really.

Plus, I'm not a fan of telling anyone what they should do with their children, unless of course I'm raising them! LOL

overworkedmom's picture

I-m so happy That is exactly what I was going to say. Learning a 2nd language right now is actually really really great for him! BUT I can totally see how irritating it is for you to have to listen to it and not understand what she is saying and to also know the history and why she is speaking it. I would probably cringe every time I heard it too...

3familiesIn1's picture

I wouldn't think he is confused, at that age its like learning multiple words for the same thing, eventually they sort it out that some words are considered a different language. SD12 figured it out. SS6 can't seem to grasp that.

Its like saying, cup\glass\tasse or bucket\pail - its just another word

herewegoagain's picture

Well, it's sad that even when others go to other countries if the native language is not english, everyone is pretty much expected to speak english so that the person who does speak english does not feel left out...but that's another story.

The fact is that kids who grow up with two languages from the day they are born have many, many, many benefits. You should read up about it. There are plenty of studies how this actually helps develop the brain differently and she's actually doing her a favor. The child hears english from the other 99% of people she meets, she'll pick it up. In addition, there are no delays that develop in language because of it. Again, I have read much about this, so you might want to do some research. Maybe instead, you should be grateful that your kids might actually pick up another language too.

Her father being illegal is the issue that I see with this more than anything. It is truly a shame that he is, because honestly, I think anyone who is illegal is breaking the law...but sadly, it's mostly a racial issue with people...although few care to admit it.

herewegoagain's picture

PS she could easily turn around and also tell you, "when you are in my home, speak Spanish..."

forestfairy's picture

Right now is the best time. My coworker's wife is Japanese and she speaks Japansese to their one year old and he mostly speaks English (he knows a little Japanese). The little girl is picking up both languages and will easily be able to distinguish them when she gets a little older.

I think it's a great idea. ImaSmom is correct, most of the world speaks more than one language.

magnummom's picture

See, to me saying that it's disrespectful to speak Spanish to her baby in a English speaking home is equal to saying the baby pooping in his pants in a potty trained home is disrespectful.

IDK.....the child is still small. It's the prime opportunity to teach the child both languages. I'm sure the SD isn't having a bad conversation!! She's simpily teaching her child what she wants him to learn.

IDK. Everyone has different opionions.

I still think it's a good thing though.

magnummom's picture

And one last thing and I promise I'll shut up Blum 3

But we can spin this in a different way.

How would anyone feel if their step children told them that they aren't allowed to speak a different language to their own bio kids in their home?

I know I'd tell my SD to shove it, that I'll do whatever I please with my child whenever I please!

forestfairy's picture

See, if the child were older and already fluent in Spanish, and THEN the SD and kid held private conversations in Spanish when everyone else was around and couldn't understand...then I think that would be rude. However, I don't think it's rude while she's trying to teach him the language.

DeeDeeTX's picture

Rich people pay bilingual nannies or au pairs from different countries a lot of money to speak their native language with the kids while theyre young so their kids can be bilingual.

Just sayin.

dlibyd's picture

Thanks everyone for the insightful responses. I try to have an open mind about this and am willing to change my attitude. As much as my SD's very presence can annoy me, and in part she may be making an extra effort to do this in front of me because she senses that it bothers me, you all have convinced me that it is a good thing for SGS in the long run. I am glad I asked about it here and had been able to resist my urge to admonish SD for it. I have been enlightened. Thank you.

dlibyd's picture

umhassouna, you must have written this before you saw my post just above yours. I admit I was wrong in my reaction to this and needed to be educated. That's why I asked. Sorry if you were offended by my question and my ignorance on the subject. We're all learning all the time.

Invisible Woman's picture

My SS11 is multilingual. I’ve been researching into this and I do not believe that kids can be bilingual without being behind in one language. The only way that it works is if there is equal exposure to both languages and there is additional instruction and tutoring in both languages.

My SS tests ok in English on standardized tests. Technically, he is not behind but no one in the world would ever confuse him with a native speaker. Compared to kids in our school district, he is wayyyy behind and has poor comprehension and speaking skills. He doesn’t understand the nuances of the English language and inverts words. He speaks with an accent that’s sometimes hard to understand. I wouldn’t consider him a success at being bilingual.

My SS11‘s BM is not from the US and spoke to him only in her native language as a baby/small child. She and DH broke up before SS was born and BM meet another guy she wanted to move to his country, so SS was introduced to his native language and only learned English during visits with his dad and at school.

BM wanted SS to speak with an accent and be centered in her culture and language. It really was away to alienate him from his dad since everything his dad did was so foreign to him when he was little.

When SS was little, he threw massive tantrums when his dad wouldn’t know what he was saying in his BM’s native language and he definitely didn’t get the difference between the languages and intermixed words all the time. He would have complete meltdowns in stores screaming in his BM’s native language and people would stare at DH like something was wrong with him.

Even now SS talks to him BM on the phone only in their native language even though they both speak English since it prevents DH from understanding what they’re saying.

It is an absolute disservice to kids to not make English their primary language. They can pick up more of other languages later, not have to make their teachers struggle to teach non-English speakers English in school while teaching them other subjects like math and science. And creating a language barrier in families just makes kids feel even more different and like they don’t belong.

But there’s no way to get the courts to even say a BM can’t do this or has to speak English.

mariadebebes's picture

Obviously really old post but I intentionally looked for spanish posts as I'm a hispanic american raising bi lingual children. My hsband speaks english and Im a native spanish speaker. Our 3 year old is learning both spanish and english and we read blogs such as https://bebesymadres.com , watch TV and read to her in spanish and english in order to impart both our cultures on her!