SS9's Phone Call with BM
So BM and GF called SS tonight. SS walked into his room and shut the door to take their call, but he was talking super loud, so we could hear almost everything. BM said "what's new?" and SS9 goes, "three things. 1. DH and CastleJJ gave away our cat, 2. They bought a house and 3. CastleJJ is pregnant." Didn't take long for SS to dive deep into our household happenings. SS then got all cocky and put us down for rehoming our cat and BM and GF were encouraging it saying that we have had our cat for a long time and it wasn't fair to the cat. We did have our cat for 4 years and she was very behavioral. We tried everything under the sun to keep her, including medications, vet workups, pet psychologists, and every toy under the sun. We figured out that our cat needed more animals in the home, which we could not do. She was rehomed to a wonderful family with multiple cats and 2 dogs and she is thriving there. We talk to them weekly. We didn't tell SS the details of the rehoming so clearly he just filled in the blanks, but I love that he presented us as the bad guys.
BM and GF of course had to ask about the house, because they were totally unaware of it. They asked if we were living there now. SS said "Yes", then turned around and corrected himself, saying "No" that we were still in the apartment. He didn't provide tons else but GF kept pushing for information. GF asked where it was located and if it was big. SS said it was about 15 minutes from my parents, but didn't go into detail. SS then went on bragging about how he is going to make his room at our house the colors of BM's state football team because he knows DH will hate it. BM laughed and encouraged it. DH and I just rolled our eyes. DH laughed and said "I'm sure we will be getting an email about why we didn't provide notice of a change of address." If BM does inquire, we will be informing her that our address has yet to change and we will provide her the updated address once it has.
BM and GF then asked about the baby. They asked if we picked out a name. SS said that we had and told them the name. They asked SS if he was excited and he got cocky again and said "I guess. It's just a baby" They then told SS that he will have to learn how to hold a baby and stuff. SS just laughed and acted like the whole things was dumb.
I didn't hear much after that point and honestly, I couldn't stand hearing any more. I don't get how this kid can be so sweet around us, then turn around and be so cocky with BM and GF, happily joining in on practically mocking our existence. Its always a complete 180. When SS talks to BM, you see the narcissistic traits come out, like they are at the top, making fun of everyone below them. I get that this is PAS and I can't fault SS, but this is why I try to stay guarded with SS because any and all information told to him is twisted and given to BM on a silver platter. I don't update him on our lives unless absolutely necessary. I just hate it because we get so excited for his visits then after this kind of stuff happens, I don't even want to be around him, so it makes the visits an emotional rollercoaster of "Do I, Don't I."
UPDATE: I sent DH and SS to the grocery store because I didn't want to be around SS. They came back an hour later and SS comes in with 2 dozen roses for me. I asked DH about it and he said SS picked them out on his own, unprompted, saying how much I would like them. DH isn't the type to lie to save SS either. Now SS is back to acting like his sweet, genuine self. Seriously?! WHAT THE HECK!
- CastleJJ's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
So, the whole conversation
So, the whole conversation consisted of talking about you and DH? Don't they have anything else to gossip, I mean, talk about? Sad.
That is a pretty normal phone
That is a pretty normal phone call between BM and SS. BM only wants to talk about us to gather as much intel as possible.
You can recognize it as an
You can recognize it as an effect of PAS, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate poor behavior.
I think your DH needs to have the following conversation with SS:
"SS, when you talk so loudly on the phone, we can hear you. And I am very disappointed that you'd either lie to us or to your mother and GF. I also don't appreciate that you're planning to do something specifically to annoy me in my own home. You may be my son, and I love you dearly, but you absolutely do not control me or my home. I am very disappointed in how you behaved."
He doesn't have to blame BM. He doesn't have to point out that she's the problem. This is about SS's integrity and character, and he can develop those things even with BM and GF trying to alienate him.
Will this result in an email from BM? Absolutely. But then your DH is firm with her, too, that encouraging a 9 year old to purposefully say and do hurtful things is inappropriate and won't be tolerated from SS.
My SS was like this too, and
My SS was like this too, and DH confronted him on it. The final straw before alienation was him complaining to BM how awful our home was when he was acting perfectly fine and no torture was going on. DH let him go back to BM's early and we didn't see him again for years. So, sure, address it with him, but don't expect much. This is all part of their complete lack of sense of self, they morph into who they think each parent wants them to be.
DH and I decided not to
DH and I decided not to address it this time. We know SS will likely continue the behavior while on the phone with BM and we know that if SS knows we can hear him, he will just be more sneaky and quiet about it, but It won't change anything.
SS isn't wrong about the cat, we did rehome her, and if he wants to phrase it as we just "got rid of her," then so be it. DH and I will be having a conversation with him that he will not be designing his room around BM's state sports team and we will have parameters about the theme of his room. If he isnt happy about it, we will just do what we want with the room and he will lose the privilege of having a choice. As far as the baby goes, SS is excited about his new sister with us, but acts nonchalant about her around BM, so I can't be mad at him for that because I know he is likely trying to please.
We will continue to monitor the behavior. If it becomes too blatant, we will address it. This time, it all just seemed like exaggerated truths and cocky behavior which is what was upsetting, but I can't fault him for "lying" because he wasn't really lying.
Dear CastelJJ,
Dear CastelJJ,
When i read your post about your SS9, it just the same at home. My SS changes according to the people he has in front of him.
First, i was sorry for him and trying to do my best efforts. Then, when he started to badmouth my child and to act like a two faced person, i 100% disengage myself.
You have a wonderfull DH !
If BM does inquire, we will
No. Ignore. Send the new address once you've moved.
SS is going to talk smack about you and DH regardless of what you do, and you're better off not knowing what he says.