Update on shit in the fan and the cat
Now that skids are with us, a few developments:
- The cat has been rehomed! SS's gf of 1 month and her family adopted it. SS is happy he gets to see it, at least until there is a dramatic teenage breakup and the need to forge a custody agreement. I suggested using OFW. *blum3* I also explained to skids that you don't take a pet in and then just throw it out when it doesn't behave exactly the way you like. You have a responsibility to that animal, it didn't get to choose any of this. SS said Crazy would get mad because it would sleep on the couch instead of in her room. SD tried to say that the cat "wasn't that great" and did "some bad things". I asked what. She said it tried to climb the Christmas tree and scratched the furniture a few times and meowed sometimes. So it was being a cat. Then she tried to say that it scratched SS the other day- SS said, yeah because mom threw it on me! SD got all defensive and yelled, She did not throw it on you! She would not throw a cat on her own son! SS asked if she saw it- SD said no she wasn't there, but she knows their mom would never do that. SS said she did too do that, how else would his leg have gotten scratched up? I believe him, I don't know why he would make that up and his leg was pretty scratched. But SD will defend Crazy even when she wasn't around to see what happened.
- We sat skids down last night to get to the bottom of the debacle at Crazy's because DH actually didn't trust that SS would tell us the truth so he wanted SD there too, and I will say that although I know SS doesn't listen to Crazy half the time, it sounds like in this case that might not be what really triggered this, and she basically lost her mind. As much as I complain about SS, he is basically a good kid who has started pushing boundaries, I just have very little tolerance for kid BS, and DH being so defensive about him doesn't help. DH asked a lot of questions about how things have been at Crazy's in the past year since she tried to kick them out last Dec/Jan, and the answer was "mostly ok", with a few arguments. SD said Crazy did tell her to lock her door and was yelling at SS that they were both afraid of him- I asked SS what he was doing in that moment and he said he was in his room with his door locked. SD agreed with that and said she wasn't afraid of SS, he wasn't doing anything she was afraid of. Crazy was just really off her rocker. DH told SS he isn't jumping to any custody changes right away, he hopes this was just a blowup and will blow over and things will be fine by next Mon when they go to Crazy's. Now, we also have to consider that Crazy said she wanted DH to have full custody. If she sticks by that, we have another problem. I absolutely do not want SS here full time and I don't think DH does either, but if it came to it, you can be damn sure we would be sitting down and doubling down on rules and expectations that he listens. We talked about it last night and DH told him he knows he isn't listening there and needs to be doing his part to not escalate- I said jumping from one house to another because you didn't follow rules at one house and things escalated is not going to be a thing- Just because you don't like her rules and feel like you can walk all over her because she doesn't hold you accountable doesn't mean you ignore them and can come here. You need to follow her rules and do your part there, like it or not. Fingers and toes crossed that Crazy is not sticking to this changing custody thing. I do not want to have to deal with this.
- We found out Crazy's other 24yr old son whose dad is in prison is now in jail for stealing from Wal-Mart. DH raised him like his own until they got divorced and said son turned on DH. This kid was always a loser- fired from his first job for stealing, wouldn't keep a job, stole from DH's parents, and now this. SD13 just loves him though and last night when SS made a comment about being done with him because he went into SS's room and stole a sweatshirt (they don't even live together), SD yelled at SS "But you got the sweatshirt back! Mom and I drove and got it back for you, that doesn't even count!". Which prompted DH to have to explain that just because you like someone, doesn't mean you get to dismiss all of their behavior and defend stealing. Stealing is still stealing. Good grief.
- SD came to us sick-ish. Apparently she has had Covid symptoms since last Thursday, but Crazy didn't test her. She missed school Fri and yesterday, so DH tested her yesterday and she's negative, but still. We don't need her bringing that here! She honestly seemed fine yesterday, so missing school was a reach. She also had gone shopping with Crazy both days of the weekend. She said "Dad, if I'm not feeling well tomorrow and don't go to school..." DH cut her off and said, Um, you are fine right now, you are going to school tomorrow. You could have gone today. She has had an attitude and been kind of a brat since she got here- usually there isn't a transitional period when she comes from Crazy's, but I can see it this week. Not a fan.
-Lots of jokes were made about DH "throwing our cats against the wall". Classic DH. DH also read off the things Crazy said SS had allegedly said about DH and I- that SS hated us both and hated our house, that DH "married a drinking partner", that he texts her all the time about how he hates it here. SS looked shocked and kept saying, What?! Oh my God!. It seemed pretty clear he hadn't said those things, and from what I understand he isn't that close to Crazy anymore and actually prefers DH and our house to hers, so that makes sense.
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The irresponsibility knows no bounds!
I said, this cat is just taking all the heat for this blowup, it's just collateral damage!
I really commend you and DH for sitting down with the SKs and getting it all out on the table! How I wish we'd been able to do that. It gets to the bottom of the lies and misunderstandings.
I agree with you about SS pingponging between homes to escape consequences. We had that with SD. When things would get uncomfortable, she would call the other parent and go into victim mode. The other parent would rescue her and there'd be a honeymoon period til she misbehaved again. Rinse, repeat. If I had it to do over, we'd have morally supported BM and not let SD move back. SD really wanted to be with her, anyway. That would have worked til BM remarried and her new DH didn't want SD there (can't blame him, she made his life hell).
SD was willing to go to any lengths to avoid consequences including dramatic runaways. I'm so glad it's over.
That is EXACTLY my fear and
That is EXACTLY my fear and what I am determined to avoid. SS is not one to take ownership- everyone else is to blame, even when he flat out says he didn't do what he was told. DH told him he needs to take ownership of his part in this too, which I was glad for, because it isn't said enough. Unfortunately it's harder to make heads or tails of fault when Crazy is so out of whack.
It must have been like a million pound weight lifted when it was finally over! I just keep thinking, only a year and 1/2 to get through, let's just limp along with custody the way it is, we can do this....