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Desperately need some advice

Jillbrya's picture

I am a Mother of 2 daughters ages 14 and 9. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. He has a 12 year old daughter. We have custody of her. BM is no longer around.

I am at my breaking point. My bf's daughter is constantly lying and stealing. Myself and my daughter's seem to be the target of this behavior. It's been going on since she was 6 year's old. I am normally a person that is very patient and very good with kid's but this kid is making me crazy. I have so much resentment toward's her that it totally consume's me. I think that the older she get's she will seriously be a threat to myself and my children. She's constantly lying and stealing, she's tried to light my bathroom wall on fire (she says it made her feel better), she's attacked my cat poor thing was sleeping on the back of the couch and since she doesnt like him she get's up and walks up to it and starts hitting him over and over. She goes to her grandmas house and tells them lies about me. Which causes constant fighting between his family and myself. Bf's mother is constantly making excuses for her lying and stealing. His family doesn't even acknowledge my kids exist. His sister has tried to fight me over my arguing with his mother. BF's daughter will not take care of her body. You have to fight with her to even take a shower. The school has called to say her hygeine is so bad that kids are complaining. I try so hard with her to show her what's right. She hate's my kids (very clean, very girly, very athletic and active). This whole situation is draining me and my children. They like BF but hate all the fighting. Hate that they constantly have to worry if his daughter is going to take something of their's. The fighting has been constant lately, his daughter tells me yesterday she hate's me and has hated me since day one. Tells me she doesn't care about all the chaos she causes and she does it on purpose so everyone in the house will be just as unhappy as she is. How do you deal with a person who just doesn't care?? BF has apologized to me about her behavior he is at a total loss on what to do with her. He tells me he love's me more than anything and will do whatever I want. Asked me to forgive her and start fresh. I don't think mentally I am capable of it any longer. I don't feel like I can forgive her with all the turmoil she has caused in my life or my childrens lives. I hate to leave him though because he just look's so broken but I am not happy in this situation and neither are my kid's. UGHHHHH, I just don't know what to do. I am so confused. When his daughter walks in the room I can feel it physically effecting my body. Instant stomach ache, chest get's tight and my whole body become's tense. Anybody go through this. Am I wrong for feeling this way?? This is a kid who feels this way about a child?? I have never been this type of person before and hate what it's making me become. I don't know what to do!!

Jillbrya's picture

Thank You, it has taken year's but I finally got the point across that she needed some type of counseling/Psychological evaluation. I was really surprised that when I told the counselor that she said she feels like hurting other people sometime's that they basically dismissed it. I try to explain to my bf and on this he doesn't agree with me, that as she get's older she is going to become worse and worse. Possibly hurting a member of this household. She has it in her and I know it! I told him he need's to have them do a psych evaluation. I think she is a sociopath. I've never dealt with anything like this. I tried to explain to him if he continues to do nothing then I have to leave because I feel like im sleeping with one eye open.

stepmom008's picture

I agree that she needs counseling. And counseling for you and your boyfriend as well as possible family counseling couldn't hurt.

May I ask what happened with BM? Do you think that situation has something to do with the current situation?

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

soverysad's picture

Apologizing for her behavior isn't enough. If your bf truly loves you and wants to stay with you he needs to put on his big boy panties and take control of the situation. She is 12 and she's been doing this for 6 years??? She does what she does because he has passively allowed it for 6 years. It is irrelevant whether she is getting worse or not, she is acting horribly and he should be ashamed of himself for allowing it. Don't "explain" to him, tell him what it is that you expect him to do, give him a timeframe in which to get it done, and let him know the consequences of not doing it. AND that is exactly what he should be doing with his daughter.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

rubia's picture

She, and everyone else would most definitely benefit from counseling, at the very least. If you aren't sure how to get that started, you could start by talking to your family doctor or pediatrician. It sounds like she really needs to be evaulated- and soon, because it IS going to get worse. Good luck!!!!