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SS10 Update

CastleJJ's picture

So SS10 returned back to BM's last Saturday. DH had him tossing a football in the driveway so BM wouldn't come to the front door of our new house. She is nosey enough to just barge in and has done so at previous apartments we have lived in, so we usually dont let her near the house. SS gave DH a huge hug before leaving and told him he couldn't wait to come back in two weeks. BM did not make eye contact and did not say anything to DH. 

SS went in for his throat scope procedure; the most recent major medical "issue" BM informed us of. As expected, the procedure found nothing and the biopsy came back normal. BM had claimed that SS has chronic croup, but then in the most recent email claimed that they would have to wait until Fall for SS to contract croup to determine if there is a bigger issue. I'm sorry BM, but in my opinion, chronic means more than just two to three times per year, so which one is it? Is SS always sick like you claim or only sick twice a year, which is normal for most kids?

Tonight BM emails DH to hash out Christmas parenting time. The weird thing is, per the CO, we are to take the break, split it in half, and both parents get either Christmas Eve/Day or New Years Eve/Day, but if the break is short or dates are weird, basically each parent takes their chunk and doesn't get make up time if it is shorter than the other. This upcoming Christmas break, based on the order and the academic calendar, BM is scheduled to get 10 days and Christmas and we are only getting about 6 days and New Years. BM emailed DH, offering extra 4 days somewhere during the school year to make up for his lack of holiday break. WHAT? BM never let's DH have more time and nowhere in the CO does it mandate makeup time for a shorter break. DH is obviously going to take any extra time he can get, but it was weird. 

Oh and BM never emailed us after SS left, accusing us of anything. There has been no communication about our visit at all. I don't know if I should be happy or nervous, but I'm hoping BM is just taking the hint that we aren't caring anymore and is just moving on with her life. I doubt it tthough. 


Survivingstephell's picture

She's too busy plotting and programming.  See I've seen what happens when a HCBM sees her kids happy and hears them tell dear old dad they can't wait to come back.  The Cracken gets released along with intensified PAS.  If it happens again..... idk, it only took one time for our BM.  

CastleJJ's picture

That's why I'm confused! Usually our BM is full PAS all the time; minimizes visitation as much as possible, talks negatively to SS about us in a covert way, harasses us via email, etc. When SS brings up having a nice time with us, BM immediately ruins it and verbally/psychologically abuses SS and us. Now we hear nothing about our visitation and she offers additional time outside of the CO? I would love to believe that she has seen the error of her ways, but I know for a fact that is not true. But I also can't see what her angle is with this. I am hoping that she is just so busy with wedding planning with GF that she has no time to think about us or cause drama, but I doubt that is the case. These weird inconsistencies in BM's behavior always stress me out because it is always like the calm before the storm. 

The_Upgrade's picture

She's probably nervous about how DD will factor into the dynamics. Back when SS was DH's only child she had him over the barrel. His only progeny. Now, as much as she wants to continue the PAS campaign, there's the risk that all she'll be doing is highlighting to DH he has a better option. A mental tug of war between wanting DH gone but also wanting him to want SS. 

The_Upgrade's picture

Much in the same way how BM doesn't want DH but also doesn't want DH to be happy with anyone else either. Can't have it both ways BM but good luck getting that through. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Either BM is about to ramp up the PAS and crazy OR she is starting to get tired of parenting and is gearing up to potentially dump SS on you all (though, if that happens, it could be years down the road).

ET did similar. She spent literal years trying to limit DH's contact with the SKs. But then he and I got together, then bought a house, then DH started making more money, amd DH stopped being as afraid of her. Add in that the kids really liked spending time with DH and were getting more mouthy with her (funny how these parents create little monsters for themselves only and then don't like the monster they create). I watched as she very gradually disconnected from them, and then finally gave up when YSK hit high school.

This is probably the lesser likely scenario if for no other reason than GF wouldn't allow it. But, it also sounds like BM uses GF, and if someone else can do the dirty work that GF does, BM may find that person to be a more palatable option.

It's okay to worry that the other shoe is going to drop. She's acting strange, and that would set off alarm bells for anyone. Just keep doing what you all have been doing and let her twist herself into a pretzel. This is a her issue.

CastleJJ's picture

I can't see BM in a million years just giving up. BM is a long game person; DH has told me that she functions by always being 10 steps ahead and that usually her end goals are at planned out at least 5 years into the future. DH believes that everything she has done to us up until this point has been calculated and functioned exactly as she had hoped. DH said that us taking BM to court threw BM off, which is why she came back with vengeance and was willing to risk it all to win. 

BM also refuses to give up control and would never give up her CS. DH said that BM's whole source of narc supply is due to SS existing because BM can use SS to get compliments and affection because "Wow you have such a great kid" and "Wow you did this all as a single mother." GF will also not give SS up because she knows that he is likely the only child she will "have." I think she knows the likelihood of having a biological child is unlikely so she grasps at the desire that SS will be her kid, even if not biologically. Giving up SS to DH would dash all of that. Giving up SS to DH would turn both of them completely upside down and I just don't see that happening, especially when SS still very much sees them as his parents and us as a very extended family member. 

BM is complicated and I have spent years trying to figure out the motive and the end game, but I can't. And I usually can't figure out weird changes in her pattern and behavior until it's too late and we have already faced whatever hell she had planned for us. At this point, I'm going to do exactly that - keep living my life in hopes that whatever her plans are, it impacts us the least, and we can just get through these next 8 years until she has no legal hold over us anymore. 

Winterglow's picture

My bet is that she's going to start really poisoning your SS against both of you by telling him that his father doesn't need him any more because he has your DD, that your DD is his replacement and that you'd been planning to replace him for years.

CastleJJ's picture

Thats really the only plausible strategy I can think of that she would have. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

In my opinion, now that you have your DD, she wants to have more control over your lives by sending SS on extra time. That's what our BM and MIL did the first year we had DS.