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Update to SS11's Visit

CastleJJ's picture

SS11 goes back to BM's house in two days after a week of visiting for spring break. On the day DH went to pick up SS, BM emailed DH to inform him that she put SS' foreign language homework (extracurricular) in his backpack to do over break, despite the fact that it isn't due for two weeks. She also informed DH that she included the "PRN Medication" that SS "needs" for his "chronic croup" in his backpack. If you recall, BM made a big stink about SS having chronic respiratory issues last year. She took him to an ENT and had all this testing done, only for said testing to come back negative or inconclusive. BM had been carrying around this medication since well before then as a "just in case." We found out much later that SS hadn't needed that medication for months before his ENT testing and that this "chronic," huge issue, had really only been one episode or one seasonal virus that BM blew up into several months of medical invention. Anyways, in BM's email, she reported that since SS hasn't needed that medication in over a year, she won't send it when he visits again. I asked DH if BM was emailing this information because she wasn't there for pick up. Oh no, she was there, she just couldn't stand to have to actually talk to DH. She came out of the house and waved at him and everything, but couldn't say two words to his face. DH said she also probably emailed it because BM feels that every interaction must be documented in case she ever needs it as evidence for court. 

SS11 has been good. He has been respectful and has enjoyed playing with DD1. DH and I were getting ready one morning and we overheard SS talking in baby talk. I peeked downstairs and found SS playing with DD in her playpen for 20 minutes, baby toys and all. SS hasn't talked about BM or GF too much, but when he does, he's referring to them as "My Moms" or "My parents" as usual. 

BM and GF called SS on Wednesday. DH made SS take the call while they were driving somewhere, so SS couldn't run to his room to hide during his call. Instead of the call being 45 minutes with BM and GF encouraging SS to trash talk us, DH said that the call only lasted 10 minutes because BM and GF clearly didn't want to be overheard. He said they were almost silent, but DH did say that they told SS they bought him a HUGE Easter present and were going to call him on Sunday morning, mere hours before they are picking him up, to tell him all about it. Clearly, they are feeling insecure about our visit and feel a need to overcompensate. I told DH that they want to make SS excited about his Easter present so he almost immediately forgets about our visit on the way home. 

Tonight, SS did make a comment that I found interesting. DH was telling SS about all the work we have to do for our yard this spring - overseed, add fertilizer, grub kill, etc. SS says "Why do you care so much about your yard? It's not like I'm here to play in it." I was a little surprised and DH says, "Well SS, you have a sister who plays in the yard, and we use the yard. It's not like we stop living our lives just because you aren't here." SS got quiet after that. I seriously wonder if SS thinks we just do nothing all day but stare at a photo of him, waiting for him to return. 

I'm curious to see how the next two days go. I bought plain Easter cookies to decorate. SS told me he is going to decorate some to take back to BM and GF, which I fully expected since he can't go a single visit without asking to buy them or make them something. I'm ready for the visit to be over so we can return to our regular scheduled programming for two months. 

UPDATE: We have been watching Harry Potter with SS this week. We got through movie #3. SS was going through the list of how many movies we have left. I told him that we won't get through them all this visit. He said, "That's okay. I have four weeks with you in the summer. One two week block and two one week blocks" I asked him, "So when are you going to come for a three week blocks?" SS replied "I don't know, it's up to BM." INTERESTING, so it clearly isn't SS who is uncomfortable. 

Comments

advice.only2's picture

SS11 probably believes your lives end when he leaves because BM and GF probably tell him their lives stop until he returns.  

CastleJJ's picture

LOL it's a lot easier for their lives to stop when they are only without SS for a week at a time, here or there. Could you imagine if our lives "stopped" for the 46 weeks of the year he's not with us. My God! 

The_Upgrade's picture

I always imagined SD believed DH just lives on a shelf somewhere suspended in time, ready at any moment for SD to pick him up, dust him off and continue where they'd left off when she was ready. SD always made excuses about having no time for DH but then gets upset when he moved on with his life. 

paul_in_utah's picture

I have followed your story for a while, but I don't remember ever hearing how your DH and HCBM ever met in the first place.  They seem so different, and she seems to hate him so much that it is hard to imagine that they were ever together.  

thinkthrice's picture

It was a one night stand or a brief fling in high school.

Correct me if I'm wrong, Castle.

CastleJJ's picture

BM and DH met in high school. They actually went through K-12 together but never interacted until the summer after the Junior year. They started dating that summer. Shortly after they started dating, BM started engaging in risky behavior - self harm, running away from home, and suicidal ideation. This behavior occurred often but BM was only institutionalized twice. The psychologists all told BM's parents and DH that this behavior wasn't legitimate. They said that BM was attention seeking and manipulative and was only harming enough to gain attention but not actually to harm herself or put herself at risk. BM continued this behavior for a while and increased it when she realized it was no longer effective in gaining attention. She also started smoking cigarettes and drinking. It got to a point where DH couldn't even leave her alone to use the bathroom or park the car before BM would lock herself in her room, turn up loud music, and start harming herself. It was like a scene from a movie - very dramatic. At one point, BM asked DH to drive her to a woman's shelter to report her Dad for sexual abuse. DH drove her and after an hour of waiting in the car, BM came back out saying she couldn't go through with it. Years later in court, BM admitted to lying about the whole thing. Throughout this whole time, DH and BM were on and off again for a year or so, never dating more than a few months consecutively. Finally, after the behavior became uncontrollable and DH's mental health was struggling, he broke up with her just because he couldn't handle it anymore. They were freshman in college at this point. 

A few months later, DH ran into BM and BM's parents at a community event and they told DH that he and BM should rekindle things. They told DH that BM had really gotten better and was no longer engaging in risky behavior. BM told DH that she felt they were meant to be together since they had experienced so many challenges together and came out better. DH agreed but told BM that they were going to take it slow. DH didn't realize that BM's behavior hadn't changed, she had only changed tactics. She was no longer self harming, but instead, she wanted to get pregnant. This was around the time that Teen Mom became popular on MTV, so she thought it would make her popular and people would fall all over her. DH didn't know about her plans and didn't realize the signs, but now looking back, the signs were there. DH said they still used protection, but now looking back, it was clear that BM stopped taking her birth control and had tampered with other methods. This relationship went on for about a year. All the sudden, out of nowhere, BM texted DH to break up with him. When he tried to respond, it was clear he was blocked. BM erased him from everything - social media, blocked on email, blocked on text, etc. It was like she fell of the face of the earth. Two weeks later, BM unblocked him and told DH that she was pregnant. She said that she wasn't sure what she was going to do with the baby but that she did not want to get back together with DH. 

This led to an extremely manipulative and toxic relationship between BM and DH. BM would beg him to be involved in the pregnancy, but then when he tried, she would blow up on him and block him. DH asked BM to attend an ultrasound, she sent him the appointment date and address, but when DH got there, BM wasn't even a patient there. She had just sent him on a wild goose chase. When he called her out on it, BM told DH that she wasn't comfortable with DH being involved in her medical care. DH and BM agreed to put SS up for adoption, since they were only 19. BM found a family and told DH it was all set. She refused to allow him to be involved in the process. Well, two weeks before SS' birth, BM backed out and said she would adopt SS out at a later time. When you ask BM now, she claims there were 3 families lined up and they all declined due to various reasons so she was left with SS. It's highly unlikely that three families magically drop out after waiting for adoption.

After SS was born, BM invited DH to the hospital. She wanted DH to sign the birth certificate. DH refused, informing BM that due to her years of risky and manipulative behavior, he could not confirm that this was his baby with 100% certainty, so that he would sign once paternity was established. So DH petitioned the courts for paternity and partial custody. The courts confirmed paternity and established CS, but never ordered a temporary order for visitation, leaving that up to BM's discretion. So BM denied DH all contact to SS while court ensued for two years. When the judge came to finalize an order at the end of the trial, BM reminded the judge that DH had no contact with SS, trying to claim it was his choice. The judge sided with BM and gave DH limited visitation (only a few hours a week) and this has led to the crappy custody arrangement we have now. 

It is evident that BM is extremely manipulative and narcissistic. Everything is calculated and she lacks all empathy. Everything revolves around her. BM has told DH in the last few years that she had it all planned out. She needed SS so she could experience unconditional love. She told DH that she was in an extremely rough place in her teenage and young adult years and she needed SS to make her better. She believes that SS is HER child and HER child alone. She refuses to recognize DH as a contributing factor or as SS' Dad. She prefers to believe that SS is only made up of her DNA and that DH is irrelevant in any of it. When DH tried to provide his family medical history, since it could be important for SS, BM rebutted that it was irrelevant. SS has told us, when talking about family lineage, that he is only made up of BM, not DH. 

CastleJJ's picture

And yet the courts have never found her to be unfit or mentally ill. They think she is a wonderful mother and DH is a deadbeat. Unfortunately, it's a narrative we cannot change, despite all the evidence we have provided. 

thinkthrice's picture

Sounds like the Girhippo!  She was a stoner in college and was failing all her courses got involved in stealing stop signs, getting drunk and calling Chef to come unlock her car door for her, HER BM constantly bailing her out of trouble, having her plagiarise her course work etc.

Chef's oldest half brother suggested he date the Girhippo when they were in high school!  Talk about the road to hell!

thinkthrice's picture

HCGUBM Chapter one "How to PAS out your kid against Dad" isn't she?  I have often thought it would be cool to do a massive intervention with all of these HCGUBMs and show them all the techniques that they are using and that we are on to them.  The reaction would be hilarious.

 

CastleJJ's picture

Lol even if you did an intervention, they would never change. They would believe they are still right. It would almost become a "poor single Mom" support group where HCBMs could complain about lack of CS, lack of DH involvement, etc. 

Rags's picture

THat keeps the CP out of the NCP's visitation and the NCP can engage with their child with minimal interferance from the CP.

Converseley, the kid does not have the constantly flipping loyalties that a local EOW/EOWE of a local visitation schedule.

I am convinced that this is why we had as successful a result being parents and a family for SS.  He lives the success of that daily as a good man, viable adult, and person of character and honor in his life.