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I have a confession to make...(really long)

Blueburger's picture

So...when I first found this place...I thought...ok this is going to be really stupid...I thought that I had to be an actual stepparent to sign I lied about being married and how long DH and I have been together. I know I know I'm sorry and I hate lying but I remember reading someone's post about their boyfriend's kid and a LOT of people were saying well you're not really a want to come clean now...I don't know if you guys even care but this site has helped a lot...I'm really sorry I lied.
Truth actually is that DH and I have been together for 2 1/2 years now and barely got married in September...we have been living together though since June. He proposed to me in May. I am now 7 weeks pregnant (yikes, I know) and I'm starting to realize how right you all are about doing my own thing with BS4(STB5). I am just starting to realize that I made a HUGE mistake in trying to be the "mom" for SD7 that she already had with MIL...
Everything else having to do with MIL is true.
She despised DH and me SO much that she kept telling SD that she wasn't coming to the wedding because she didn't believe in our being together. (Of course she went...unfortunately)
I still can't stand MIL even when she tries to include me in things. I am notorious for holding grudges and I can't help but hate her while she says what a great kid BS is and how much she loves him and how cute he is and bla bla bla because all I hear is what SD let slip once while I was there to pick up SD. MIL was mentioning how she noticed BS liked to play with SD's kitchen set and SD started reminding her "yeah but tell her what you told so and so that he makes a mess and he's a handful and-" at this point MIL told her to be quiet and to stop making things up to which SD started saying (but didn't finish) that she wasn't making things up.
Plus all the crap that she's put DH through...seriously I thought only BM's were crazy psycho, but MIL proved me wrong. I don't trust her and honestly I'm not sure I ever will. I'm polite to her but that's about it.
MIL has made it difficult for everyone and anyone to get along. I'm sure I'm the bad guy because im the one who encouraged DH to stand up for his right as SD's dad and not take her bull mistake...because now I don't know what to do with SD...anywho, ever since I quit my job (I planned this with DH like an idiot) I have been taking care of both SD and my BS full time. So I guess you can say we took SD away from her "mom"...(her real mom doesn't give a shit about her; even though she's psycho, I'm starting to see why BM just gave SD to MIL...and why it was so easy to take SD away from DH as well...yes, she's that pushy and controlling). I'm stuck with a kid I have to take care of and can't stand. She's not a bad kid, and has changed a lot over me, she's still too much like MIL for my comfort. She annoys me. I hate hearing her voice. I hate seeing her in pictures that MIL puts on FB...
Now, I know that everyone's already going to be pissed off with me so...I might as well tell you...I think I can't stand SD because I resent her for everything she's done and said to, I know it wasn't her fault but...idunno!!!! I can't help but feel like she's such a little traitor...and I can't keep resenting her for stuff that wasn't her fault and I know that I can't keep blaming DH for not standing up to his crazy wacko mother...but I still feel like this would have been a HELLUVA lot easier had he been more of her parent than MIL...I'm sure she would have been more like him (calm, quiet, thoughtful, caring, quiet, not trying to be the center of attention...) deep down she probably is like him but she's been brainwashed to be exactly like frustrating...
As it turns out, my BS is nothing like me either so...that's great too...

Anyway....I'm really sorry for lying everyone...I swear I'm not a fake person making things up (well not anymore anyway) I am a stepmom, and a BM, I'm young and don't know what the heck I am doing...other than being nauseous and bloated all day and all night long apparently...
I was worried that MIL was going to try to take my baby away from me as she did with SD (MIL did this slowly by simply offering to do things for DH and BM like watch her, feed her, bathe her, change her, play with her, keep her for a few days, etc.) but I'm pretty sure im not going to let that happen...really hope not anyway.

I've disengaged a lot with SD and I'm sure everyone has noticed it...and I'm sure DH is not happy about it. I'm sure my parents won't be happy about it. They thought I would be the bigger stronger person and love everyone and just take everything that comes to me...guess not..


misSTEP's picture

First off, no biggie on the misunderstanding about having to actually be married to use the site.

Secondly, don't be so concerned with what others think. The only one who should really matter in the end is your DH.

Third, you and your DH will have to work on boundaries to protect your marriage and way of parenting from all the outside influences who are trying to railroad you. If you need a therapist to help you guys, so be it.

Everything else will fall into place...eventually...once you get rid of the toxic influences of others who aren't primarily in your situation.

Jsmom's picture

Don't beat yourself up. We tend to be hard on people that aren't married on this site. A little old fashioned, but understandable.

Point is you are in this mess now and need the support.

furkidsforme's picture

Don't be hard on yourself. You are going to have to get much more secure and confident in yourself and your own thoughts to make it through this.

Think of it this way. It's a given that your DH is fucked up and makes poor choices. How can I say that? He's got a lunatic Mom who's crazy didn't seem to bother him much until someone started pointing it out. He married/procreated with a lunatic BM, because crazy is his normal.

SO, you are going to have to be strong in yourself and willing to stand and say NO! THAT IS NOT NORMAL!!!!

Shaman29's picture

Keep on coming back and we'll help you as much as we can. Sometime our advice may seem harsh, but we've all been through a lot and we'd rather see you not repeat mistakes we've made.

moeilijk's picture

First off, don't even worry about MIL slowly taking your kid away. Never ever ever gonna happen. Or fast. Or any other way.

Second, yes blame DH for being a crap parent. And blame MIL for being a crap person. And work with DH so he is a better parent. And limit contact with MIL.

I don't feel comfortable with my MIL. But she's a perfectly good person and a great grandma to my kid. So my kid has lots of contact. But if my MIL sucked at being a decent person, then there'd be very little contact. So you won't let MIL have much influence in your kid's life, because you don't want your kid growing up with crap.

That being said, SD is only 7 and assuming you guys have custody, no reason to think she'll stick with her MIL-characteristics. I can see how you don't really want to care full-time for someone else's kid... but the kid is more DH than MIL. And truly, SD wants DH more than MIL, so he needs to get his parenting act together and help SD - and you - by actually being there for SD.

Monchichi's picture

Please let me know what you refer to an SO's mother as (other than the filthy names I keep in my head) as well as SO's father and sister?

blayze's picture

Your name is blueburger... if that's any sort of reference to either of my two loves - blue cheese or burgers, you're a-ok in my book. HA! Seriously, it doesn't matter. When I first came on here I worried about whether to change the genders of our kids or not, then I thought: NO WAY, because if BM ever finds me here I want her to see 100% truth in black and white. But trust... that decision weighed heavily on my mind for months.

No matter what, you're here, and it's for a reason... MIL's, BM's and SD's will send you over the edge. Walk fabulously, not fearfully and don't let 'em break you, sister!!

Blueburger's picture

Thanks everyone...I was just worried about what you all were going to think because I like most of you and I know you all just want to help most of the time...I don't make very many appearances but I'm on here almost everyday reading about everyone else's life and learning from them.
I hope it's just my hormones being crazy about SD because even though I feel guilty sometimes, I still can't stand her...and if it IS just my hormones...jeez...this is gonna be a LONG...and PAINFUL pregnancy...and I don't want to think about afterwards...ugh...

orangealex222's picture

Im Brand spanking new here today. Ive watched this site for months before I got married too. Don't feel bad. I used it as a way to prepare myself because I knew I LOVED my HUSBAND soooo much but I truly hated his kids. I had to find a way to cope. I go to therapy every week so I have a safe place to spill my guts. If this REALLY is totally anonymous then it will work just as well.