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Really wondering how hard can it be????

Blueburger's picture

Alright so, BM has called to see SD7 for visitation (finally I guess) but only because she is leaving to another state! After an ENTIRE year of nothing (except sending Christmas presents) she wants to see her for an hour because she's leaving....I'm sorry but WTF???
Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?? Like why even bother??'s obvious she doesn't give a shit. BM and her mother do the same things all the time, they just send presents through mail or in BM's case she has DH pick them up.
DH claims he hates dealing with BM and hates that she calls and hates her and bla bla bla...I told him, if you dislike it so much, why don't you just take her rights away?? He says he tried once and they told him he couldn't do that. I asked him how long ago was that? He said almost 2 years ago. We had a huge argument about it because I told him he should have tried to do it again. He says he doesn't want to waste his time in court. I yelled at him "then stop complaining about it! You haven't tried to do it in a long time! When was the last time you tried to speak to a lawyer about this????" And he'll say the same things over and over. I know I'm stubborn and whatnot but DH takes the freakin cake!
It's also pretty messed up to me because he just told me the other day how he thinks SD should call me mom and I had told him that would be hypocritical of me since MIL tells SD to call her mom. I reminded him what was said and I said it made even LESS sense now for SD to call me mom because she's going to still see BM whenever BM wants, so how would it be ok to call ME mom????
Anyway that's beside the point of why he should try again to take away her rights. BM is no good for anyone, not even her other daughter that she actually has custody of. She's biploar and has been in shelters ever since she got pregnant with the little girl (she's 3 years old). Like I've mentioned before, BM doesn't call SD, doesn't call about SD, she's just not in her life at all. I have to remind SD sometimes that she has a mom and has a sister, which apparently I shouldn't be doing according to DH. I told him someone should remind her because, hello, she still sends her something for Christmas and who knows maybe for her birthday she will too, and like I said, she still sees her every once in a great while. He yelled at me that no one asked me to and I shouldn be doing it because it is none of my concern.
We've talked about this stuff before and this is the first I'm hearing that I shouldn't be reminding SD about BM. He said I was putting things in her head. How am I doing that if she knows who her mom is??? I'm not telling her anything unusual! And usually I'll just ask if she misses her and her sister to which she says yes, that she misses them all the time. And sometimes she'll see something that will remind her of something BM-related (that I haven't talked to her about) and she'll point it out. She knows who her mom is and no matter if she's not there for her she still wants to see her and misses her and all that bullshit. DH thinks that I'm making all of it up. He thinks that if we just don't talk about BM, that SD will not ask about her or wonder about her or want anything to do with her. He thinks any BM feelings will just disappear.
I wish I knew if this can be done and how hard it would be if one tried under our circumstances. DH also said that it would be a waste of time because he knows BM will fight him on it. I told them let her fight, she has NOTHING! She doesn't see her and now she's moving?? Seriously on what grounds is she going to fight on?? Are all the shelters she's been kicked out of going to back her up? Are all her fuckbuddies going to back her up? She has no employment at all, she just collects her money from the government and that's the only reason I think she hasn't put her other kid up for adoption. The only reason she would fight DH is because of the actual title of mom. And I don't think that's reason enough for DH to lose.
Idunno...maybe he's right and he should just deal with her whenever she feels like wanting to see SD...I just think SHE'S a waste of time and energy and effort. But maybe I'm the stubborn one. Maybe I'm wrong.


AllySkoo's picture

Yep, all this. ^^^

Also, if your DH starts that crap about what SD calls you again, I'd respond with, "That's between me and SD. Please don't interfere."

*sigh* He's trying to make you into BM's replacement in every way, as if BM never existed, and that is a recipe for disaster. I've never seen that work out well, never.

Jsmom's picture

They will not sever her rights. She can, but odds are good she will never want to do this. That would be admitting failure.

I suggest you drop this. Unless the child is in danger, they won't do it and you will spend a fortune.

MIL asking her to call her BM is weird. I would say something about that. I do not believe Steps should be called MOM, if there is a mom, no matter how inactive they are. That is confusing for a child.

kathc's picture

Your MIL is a whackadoo. She probably also wants her son to call her sweetheart and go home to her every night. That woman needs a psych ward.

As for taking away BM's rights, it's really not that easy. Courts will almost never terminate parental rights, it is almost always done voluntarily (and you know BM would never do that). It's not as simple as "she left and hasn't seen her child in years". She can be a druggie who's in jail for murder and they won't terminate unless they have a huge reason to do so (such as, she tried to kill her child).

Blueburger's picture

That's funny because a friend of DH actually had the same situation where the BM didn't see the kid and he went to court to terminate her rights and it happened. He won the case and the BM didn't even show up. I also seen it happen right in front of me when I was waiting to get divorced. This lady was all pissed off that she didn't know what paperwork she was supposed to bring and didn't know what to do and she just wanted to terminate her own rights and the BD's rights and give her grandmother or mother her kid. She was actually telling the judge all this and talking to her as if it was her fault, and the judge helped her out! Told her she needed to sign this and this and then she would be done. Why would it be so hard to try to do it???? The chick didn't even have a lawyer! And they helped her do it!!
I'd like to hear from people who actually have experience in this area not just opinions...I just did a bit of research and it's proof that it can be done for the reasons I mentioned...can anyone seriously tell me what happened in your case??? Whether you've won or lost?