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Can I go back and warn myself and have this NOT happen??? (Bit of a Downer and long)

Blueburger's picture

So it's been 2 weeks of me being completely disengaged...I don't take SD7 to school or pick her up anymore. I don't talk to her. I don't make sure she does this or that. I don't parent her AT ALL anymore. I don't pretend to care about her anymore.
She is no concern of mine, not my responsibility, NOT.MY.KID.
DH has a HUGE issue with this and hasn't spoken to me.
Well I didn't really tell him this time that I'm disengaging. All the other times I've told him to have MIL (MONSTER-in-law) drop off and pick up SD he's always thrown in my face that I just don't want to take care of her (implying that I was lazy) I would try telling him that SD is just always so attached to MIL that maybe she should keep doing the things she used to. He would get SO upset with me and make me feel guilty. And of course he'd give me the silent treatment until I apologized and went back to doing the things that I used to do.
This time, that is not happening. And I can't help but feel like this may be it for us. I told my sister that it sucks that it had to take me about 10 months for me to do all the possible wrong things in order for me to find out that SD's too far gone and there's nothing I can do about it. And now I don't want anything to do with her. To the point that on my son's alternating weekend with his dad, DH asked me if I wanted to go eat somewhere with SD, and I didn't hesitate to say no. There's no way I would have been able to stand SD's mindless and annoying talking. Especially in public (where she THRIVES).
He asked me a bit ago if I was going to take SD to school, I said no. He mumbled angrily "didn't think so..." So now he's taking SD to MIL's house...and I can't help but think, 'well, that's where she belongs, isn't it?' The place where she can do no wrong, she's the center of attention ALL THE TIME, she gets everything she wants, MIL does EVERYTHING for her (she either has to bathe SD or she showers with her), she gets told everything she wants to hear (she's the best, she's the smartest, she's the cutest, she's the funniest, no one loves her more than MIL, everything she does is the best, she loves anything and everything that SD makes, etc, etc...).
I'm sorry...maybe I should feel sorry for DH or SD but I don't least, not anymore. I used to because of how frustrated DH would be and how much it hurt him that MIL was turning SD against him and all the crap MIL would say to him. He would tell me all the things that went on and I felt so bad for both of them. Too bad DH brought this upon SD and himself. He let MIL take over as both parents to SD, and now, well now she has her own mini version of herself. And she's made her into another version of HER that NO ONE can stand!!! Oh she's cute adorable and smart if you're with SD only for a little bit (which is the majority of anyone who knows MIL, DH, SD and myself...except for my sister and my closest friend) but you can tell she's all the things I mentioned and more if you're with her longer than that. You give her attention, she will NOT.LET.YOU.GO. she will NOT.LEAVE.YOU.IN.PEACE. you can't even have a decent conversation with anyone else, your attention HAS to be on her. God forbid you pay her a compliment because then she'll attach herself to your hip. Not exaggerating and not lying. She does this to anyone who she hasn't met, anyone new, of course.
I think she needs counseling.
She doesn't need me, that's for sure. She needs her "mom"...DH can't stand her sometimes either.
Can't believe how much time and money and energy I spent on that kid. Such a waste.
I've been looking forward to the baby (9 weeks!) more and trying to think a bit more positive as well as be here for BS4(STB5) emotionally anyway because physically I'm here.
It's really hard though. Really really hard. Sometimes I break down and cry especially when BS notices that I'm not ok (trust me, he's the only one who's EVER really noticed when something's wrong with me) because I start questioning how it's going to be with DH and me when the baby is here...was he really only happy when I was the only one getting really frustrated wiIth SD and the majority of the time parenting her and doing what his mom used to do??? I hate to think about it but...fuck...sorry...just feel so stuck...BS is so lost, he misses SD and wonders why DH is always mad at him...I just tell him DH is always mad lol. I can't help it, what else am I supposed to say?! parents have started asking questions and want to know what's going on...I don't have any answers they are going to like.
I do this one thing for myself, my sanity, and my son and baby, and everyone just fucking loses it.....feels that way anyway. Sad that no one will ever understand what I'm going through, til it happens to them....


Blueburger's picture

I'm trying to be's hard though. I didn't think I'd be depressed being pregnant while with DH, I know I was in a really bad time in my life when I was pregnant with DS while being with XH but I thought that was because of everything going wrong in that situation. Turns out I'm not as happy as I thought I would be this time either...oh what do I know, maybe it's just me. Maybe I just can't be happy no matter what...idunno...I've told my sister before, sometimes...I just want to run away. And keep going. And never look back. Ive convinced myself that everyone and everything will be fine without me.

oneoffour's picture

If I were you I would write down all your reasons why you are disengaged from your SD. For instance... I have a little boy and a new baby to care for. You have your mother to take care of SD. I really don't think she is doing SD any favours by making her so self centered and the world revolves around SD and no one else. Because this makes even talking to SD extremely difficult. She isn't the only child in the house. There will soon be another baby here. But when SD goes on and on like only her opinion matters it makes it very difficult to like her. She doesn't kow when to be quiet. I on't like ignoring her and I don't want to be mean to her. But I have to draw my line in the sand. She is your daughter, not mine. Because I will never let one of my children behave the way she does. ... It isn't her fault. She is only 7. But the continual all day chatter drives me crazy. And it is all about her. No one else because your mother has seemed to decide that she will make it up to SD for her mother being useless... And SD has a very odd way of attaching herself to anyone who pays her attention. Can't you see this is dangerous? Some man could abduct her in a second because she is a pretty little girl who has no ability to recognise stranger danger or boundaries.... Right now I need to focus on delivering this baby as healthy as I can and to take care of DS.... I will not take care of SD when I am not permitted to guide her into being a responsible and normal child. You yell at me to make me be her babysitter. I may be considered her stepmother but that has no legal status.... So how can I do what I feel is best for SD when you and your mother undermine everything I do? And when will you be the father your daughter needs instead of letting your mother run her life?

Writing it down and letting your SO know this is only for his own good that you are disengaging will at least make it clear why you are doing this. I don't think it is fair to just wake up and ignore the little girl. If she was 12 she would have a clue. However a 7 yr old really isn't so switched on. And the more he lets his mother run the show with SD the more you will not engage with her. His mother wants a 2nd chance at being a mother, let her. Just tell your SO a girl cannot have 3 parents telling her what to do and he has chosen his mother for parent one and two which puts you out of the picture.

Essentially this is what he has done. he has allowed his mother to run SDs life and this is the consequence. Can things change? I think they can. 7 yr olds are pretty adaptable. But if your SO wants things to change he HAS to start with his mother. And right now the ball is in his court. Then he HAS to maintain the house rules so everyone can live calmly and peacefully.

Blueburger's picture

Forget writing it out 1of4, I've tried sitting DH down and speaking to him calmly about these things...positively! And he still has taken it the wrong way! I've pointed out most if not all of the things you've listed above and it just does not sit well with him...I to him...he's so stubborn! He gets all hurt feelings and takes it personally (even though it was all his fault!!). It's like 'gee, if you wanted your kid to be likeable, maybe you should have parented her and had more of an influence on her!'
And the whole 'waking up and ignoring' is the only thing I can think of to do since he won't take me seriously when I tell him that I'm disengaging. He just thinks I'm "threatening" him when I've been fed up with's not a threat! It's not a tactic I use to make him understand or whatever we're arguing about, it's just what should happen!
Oh and he won't EVER stand up to MIL...NOT ever...he says he doesn't want to start anything...well, that's how he got into this mess with SD in the first place! By being mr. "Nonconfrontation"...yeah that's going to get him really far, I mean, it has so far! (Major sarcasm)

Monchichi's picture

Blueburger it took me 2 years, yes you read right 2 YEARS before my SO understood that his mother was turning his son in to a walking nightmare. My SO hates confrontation with anyone but most of all with his mother. I have no idea why. You're not alone in this. Sending you lots of hugs. Focus on your beautiful babies, take some time to center yourself. And always be supportive of your DH. That does not mean suck up cupcakes nonsense, just be present for your husband.