Can I go back and warn myself and have this NOT happen??? (Bit of a Downer and long)
So it's been 2 weeks of me being completely disengaged...I don't take SD7 to school or pick her up anymore. I don't talk to her. I don't make sure she does this or that. I don't parent her AT ALL anymore. I don't pretend to care about her anymore.
She is no concern of mine, not my responsibility, NOT.MY.KID.
DH has a HUGE issue with this and hasn't spoken to me.
Well I didn't really tell him this time that I'm disengaging. All the other times I've told him to have MIL (MONSTER-in-law) drop off and pick up SD he's always thrown in my face that I just don't want to take care of her (implying that I was lazy) I would try telling him that SD is just always so attached to MIL that maybe she should keep doing the things she used to. He would get SO upset with me and make me feel guilty. And of course he'd give me the silent treatment until I apologized and went back to doing the things that I used to do.
This time, that is not happening. And I can't help but feel like this may be it for us. I told my sister that it sucks that it had to take me about 10 months for me to do all the possible wrong things in order for me to find out that SD's too far gone and there's nothing I can do about it. And now I don't want anything to do with her. To the point that on my son's alternating weekend with his dad, DH asked me if I wanted to go eat somewhere with SD, and I didn't hesitate to say no. There's no way I would have been able to stand SD's mindless and annoying talking. Especially in public (where she THRIVES).
He asked me a bit ago if I was going to take SD to school, I said no. He mumbled angrily "didn't think so..." So now he's taking SD to MIL's house...and I can't help but think, 'well, that's where she belongs, isn't it?' The place where she can do no wrong, she's the center of attention ALL THE TIME, she gets everything she wants, MIL does EVERYTHING for her (she either has to bathe SD or she showers with her), she gets told everything she wants to hear (she's the best, she's the smartest, she's the cutest, she's the funniest, no one loves her more than MIL, everything she does is the best, she loves anything and everything that SD makes, etc, etc...).
I'm sorry...maybe I should feel sorry for DH or SD but I don't ...at least, not anymore. I used to because of how frustrated DH would be and how much it hurt him that MIL was turning SD against him and all the crap MIL would say to him. He would tell me all the things that went on and I felt so bad for both of them. Too bad DH brought this upon SD and himself. He let MIL take over as both parents to SD, and now, well now she has her own mini version of herself. And she's made her into another version of HER that NO ONE can stand!!! Oh she's cute adorable and smart if you're with SD only for a little bit (which is the majority of anyone who knows MIL, DH, SD and myself...except for my sister and my closest friend) but you can tell she's all the things I mentioned and more if you're with her longer than that. You give her attention, she will NOT.LET.YOU.GO. she will NOT.LEAVE.YOU.IN.PEACE. you can't even have a decent conversation with anyone else, your attention HAS to be on her. God forbid you pay her a compliment because then she'll attach herself to your hip. Not exaggerating and not lying. She does this to anyone who she hasn't met, anyone new, of course.
I think she needs counseling.
She doesn't need me, that's for sure. She needs her "mom"...DH can't stand her sometimes either.
Can't believe how much time and money and energy I spent on that kid. Such a waste.
I've been looking forward to the baby (9 weeks!) more and trying to think a bit more positive as well as be here for BS4(STB5) emotionally anyway because physically I'm here.
It's really hard though. Really really hard. Sometimes I break down and cry especially when BS notices that I'm not ok (trust me, he's the only one who's EVER really noticed when something's wrong with me) because I start questioning how it's going to be with DH and me when the baby is here...was he really only happy when I was the only one getting really frustrated wiIth SD and the majority of the time parenting her and doing what his mom used to do??? I hate to think about it but...fuck...sorry...just feel so stuck...BS is so lost, he misses SD and wonders why DH is always mad at him...I just tell him DH is always mad lol. I can't help it, what else am I supposed to say?! Sigh...my parents have started asking questions and want to know what's going on...I don't have any answers they are going to like.
I do this one thing for myself, my sanity, and my son and baby, and everyone just fucking loses it.....feels that way anyway. Sad that no one will ever understand what I'm going through, til it happens to them....