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Venting buddy and disengagement

Blueburger's picture

So I've finally found someone to talk(vent) to when I need to about SD7, DH, or MIL(Monster-In-Law)... That person? My sister!!! Yay!!! She may be 5 years younger than me but she knows my situation with all three people mentioned above and she has not ever judged me (even when I was doing the wrong things).

I told her about disengaging with SD and how I was COMPLETELY wrong to try to be a "mother figure" for SD when she's always had, and always will have, MIL as her "mom". There's no chance I can "fix" her like my DH wants me to, she's just too far gone seriously. He's just going to have to deal with his mini-mom of a daughter lol. I know none of this is SD's fault but, none of this is MY fault either. I have a son and another little one on the way, I have to take care of mine and look after mine, as I've always done, and MIL will have to do it for SD I guess if DH won't...just like before.
It felt SO GOOD to be able to say all the things out loud that I only say in my head or under my breath! It felt just as good to be able to have someone to agree with me as well, because it kind of made me feel less evil honestly...I don't know maybe it's just me being petty or desperate but I can't help it, it felt SO GOOD!!! But my sister seriously does see where I'm coming from with the disengaging thing, she said "honestly, I feel bad for thinking this AND saying this but, after getting to know SD and MIL, there's no way she's changing..." I almost screamed "RIGHT?!?" So many times I said that and DH would make me feel guilty for saying that but the truth is she's been brainwashed to be, act, talk, and think exactly like MIL and it's been going on for about 6 years (while DH was still living with his parents and then also before I moved in to "help" DH with SD). A lot of damage is done and there's no turning back or "fixing" that kind of social and mental damage. I know a lot of you will say 'she's still young, you never know' but you guys don't know how overwhelming MIL is, and to be brought up by someone like that, I don't get how any of HER kids didn't come out more like her. DH is the exact opposite of MIL, I don't know how that happened but that's how it is. (And I'm SO glad it happened that way lol)

Sister confided some things in me, personal things she's having difficulties with, but also told me that OUR OWN MOM (who thought I was being dramatic or exaggerating about MIL) actually admitted that MIL WAS all the things I had complained to them! She talks too much, she DOES have favorites with her sons, she cuts people off constantly (and thinks that just because she says "excuse me, sorry that I interrupted you..." It justifies doing so), won't let you change the subject, she talks about inappropriate things you usually wouldn't tell people you aren't very close to and she doesn't care who is around...she has no filter...and she ALWAYS needs to one-up you and be the center of your attention. There is seriously no respectful way to say hold on a second or excuse yourself, she doesn't pay attention to hints and no matter how nice you are, it doesn't work she'll just keep talking. You end up being rude because she just doesn't get it and she loves to play the victim. glad to know at least that my mom has owned up to this though. Not to me but at least now she knows.
Why would I make up something like this???? I know my mom, if anything, she was probably REALLY frustrated that she couldn't get out of that situation with MIL lol...MIL probably made her feel anxious lol she has that effect on many people who start to really get to know her.
So sister sees what's going on with MIL as well as SD and she says she's just worried about me and hopes that I'll be happier now.
I's such a relief...and I don't care if I'm the evil stepmom anymore...I don't worry about parenting SD anymore, that's not my job, that's DH's job; whether he does it or not is up to any case, may he fall short, MIL will come to the rescue of's what she does best.
I'm so glad I can be free of most of the anger. It's still a bit sad though...SD could have been an amazing kid...had DH actually been able to parent her. Could have...oh well...NOT MY KID...