You are here

To quote StarLord - It's worse. It's so much worse.

blessedwithstress's picture

BOTH skids made homecoming court. SS16 is going to be a junior representative.


And now DH is p*ssed at ME for being p*ssed at the situation. He is asking for counseling. He said 'I refuse to do to the littles what I did with the bigs. Take that as a threat if you want but I REFUSE.' Meaning - he refuses to lose time with the little boys by being separated from them via divorce. 

DH can't understand why I harbor resentment toward the skids. "You've known them since they were little! I don't understand how you cannot be attached to them! It doesn't make sense!"

(insert look of absolute incredulity here on my part)

I'll call a counselor. Probably won't make a difference but nobody will be able to say I didn't try.

SS16s big birthday bash is this weekend. You know, the one we are throwing in collaboration wtih BM? FMLx100

All I want to do is pack a bag and run away for the weekend. I don't want to be around any of them. I'm not sure I can fake a smile long enough to get through the party.


ESMOD's picture

Just like he is entitled to HIS feelings.. you are entitled to YOURS.  You have every right to be disappointed that plans you carefully made and looked forward to are ruined.  I mean it IS possible for you to understand how his obligation to be there for his children at one of their important functions may have to take precedent, while still being sorely upset about the fact that it means that something you were looking forward to now may not happen.

I know it doesn't help that you can't be more sympathetic to their needs because you see that he caters to them on both the BIG and important things.. but he also is unable to put you ahead of smaller things of theirs.

As I said on the other post.. either go to the concert with a friend etc.. or cancel the plans.. and sell the tickets.. put the money towards debt and then your DH can enjoy pizza dinner for his birthday.. or whatever his kids think up for them.

advice.only2's picture

I think you should still go to the concert with a friend and have a good time.

Counseling sounds like a good idea, it can give you both the ability to say how you really feel. Just make sure you find a counselor who understands stepparent situations. And if the counselor even ever says to you "Well you are the adult, why can't you...." RUN! They don't have a clue!

justmakingthebest's picture

Personally I think that the fact your husband wants to go to counseling with you is really good news. However, if you aren't open minded going in- it is just a waste of your time. 

I get the joint party thing. I am doing a joint party with my ex for DD next month. My exH, his wife, DH and I get along and will do things together for the kids (usually surrounding birthday's or school ceremonies). I am the one with anxiety over it though, not DH. There is no way in HELL I would do joint anything with BM unless the ending is that she gets hit by a mack truck and I get to watch. 

I do have to say something though. I think you are being petty. SD is doing good things. Your complaints about her are- being on school council and running for homecoming court and having a birthday. She has no control over the dates of these things. Yes, your concert weekend got messed up- maybe. You still don't know. Yes, that sucks. But you need to let your resentment towards SD for being active in school go. 

I realize that this is probably just the straw that broke the camel's back situation, but take a few deep breaths and stop and realize what is upsetting you right now and how little it is is in the grand scheme of your life. This is something that won't matter in a year. It really won't. You and DH can plan another weekend away. Just cancel the hotel and sell the tickets. No harm, no foul. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I think what causes the OP's stress and resentment is that neither bio parent can AFFORD this birthday bash. Or the car insurance, or the myriad other expenses the OP's H keeps throwing money at because BM says so. OP and her kids come last and go without, all because her H is terrible with money and can't say NO to his ex.

The core issue is she's a Type A planner married to a financially irresponsible Peter Pan. They are drowning in cc debt, but she can't get him to acknowledge this or change his behavior. She sees numbers on a ledger, while he's committed to instant gratification and meeting BM's demands.

OP sees that this is not sustainable. You're right that it's not the skid's fault, but I think the OP knows that. She's just venting.


thinkthrice's picture

to "straighten HER out."  As soon as the counselor suggests that HE may be at fault, he will stop going.

Trust me on this one!  

Do the concert with a friend and hotel.  STAT!

still learning's picture

True! I remember exH sitting with his arms folded refusing to speak for the remainder of our counseling sessions after the counselor told him he needed to stop XYZ. exH would have stopped going but his mother must've threatened him since she was the one who prepaid for all our sessions.   

still learning's picture

DH can't understand why I harbor resentment toward the skids...I don't understand how you cannot be attached to them! It doesn't make sense!

I've learned in life and especially in steplife that not all feelings or thoughts need to be expressed.  I'm not emotionally attached to skids or gskids but this is never something I express to DH. Also you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.  When DH starts in on a whiny "You hate my kid" rant, look confused and find some pressing matter to attend to.  

Counseling is a good thing but I would advise that you see your own personal therapist even if you do attend couples therapy.  Ive attended marriage and individual therapy and the individual always helped me the most.  

About the concert, just go, give the ticket to a friend or family member you'd like to accompany you.  There are times in steplife where kids events and dramas will come first.  In my own marriage I am always at my kids important events and DH often does stuff on his own.  

blessedwithstress's picture

I think you are right about the individual therapy. I am not without blame in this situation, I get that. The only reason I admitted to the resentment was because he was accusing me of hate which I think is far worse. It was a very raw, honest discussion so it seemed best to lay it all out on the table. Perhaps I will be a little more guarded in the future.