You are here

Am i wrong to feel these feelings???

birdwood27's picture

Smile OK here I go.
Last night my partner of two years walked out due to angry ongoing arguments that go round and round in circles.
He, my partner has a BD that is 8, i have none. I love her, she excepts me and is loving towards me but for some reason i cant help but feel jealous towards her. What is wrong with me, how stupid are these feeling that i have because she is a child and I'm treating it like she is the other woman. I feel very guilty and try to explain this to my partner, he understands but pulls away because he doesnt like conflict. Then their is the ex wife. She hates me but not him and i find that very hard. I know that she doesn't have to be my friend but it would be nice if she could see how good to her daughter i have been and except me. This is just the start of our problems but the mix of all these feelings and a whole load more leaves me feeling like i need constant reassurance that he loves me and that I'm important to him. Now i become needy.I start to go over the top with the step-mum thing. I try to be the best that i can, I'm the one that dose the homework I'm the one that will pick her up from school and I'm the one doing all the MUM things when she is with us. I love doing it but now i feel like I'm taken for granted. He says he appreciates me but they are only words. wouldn't a little understanding towards my other issues show me more. I start to become insecure that he only wants me for the step-mum roll and he pulls away even more. This makes me explain my feelings more, he shuts off and now we are were we are. i need some help with this... are these normal feelings? am i wrong to try to express them and except understanding or am i just looking for love in a place i am not equipped to handle. I would also love to get some feed back from a BD that is in the same position as my partner is because i would like to hear the flip side to my feelings. Thanks


PnutButta's picture

Yes, they are normal feelings and it's ok to express them...we all want to feel valued and accepted in our relationships. It's also normal to be envious of the time and attention your partner spends on his are human. Just because you are female doesn't mean you are automatically supposed to love his child...we are taught that maternal instincts are just supposed to happen for us, and that's just not true. Unfortunately it's hard for your partner to understand where you are coming from because he is not in the position that you are. From experience, you need to let him take over the care of his BD because it sounds like you are already beginning to resent him for not showing enough appreciation for what you do. Honey, he's going to let you take over his child rearing doesn't make him a bad person or a bad parent. You are making his life astronomically easier, but at your own expense. No offense, but you have made yourself his doormat and not his spouse. You can change that around though.

Someone on here when I first came on board recommended a book that helped me tremendously on being a's called "Stepmonster"...try and find it. Well worth the read and goes into detail on why we think the way we do.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost

alwaysme's picture

It's ok to feel that way, you feel worse because you are guilty about feeling jealous, i feel the same i get really jealous of all the effort hubby seems to put into making his kids happy and i get resentful for doing all the housework and the Mum stuff without a thankyou.

I think it is normal but it is hard to control the anger it builds it is just a matter of trying to find an outlet that works for you, but dont worry i still have not found my outlet yet. Like LaurenW says, disregard BM, mine hates my guts too but she has never met me, she has threatened to bash me and whatever else, calls me the dog to the kids etc etc and you know i was at the shopping centre the other day and she was right next to me, funny thing was she had no idea who i was.... So believe me when i say it is actually a good thing to have her hate you so much because it just means that she is actually miserable. The ones that are happy with their own lives are the ones that will treat you like a human being who is looking after their children..

Kb3Hooah's picture

I dealt with a similiar situation in the beginning of my relationship. First, I think you need to disengage from issues with the BM. That means, if your BF is talking to BM on the phone, walk away, find something else to do. If she is sending you nasty messages, block her. If DH begins to talk about her, smile, nod, and then change the subject. The less you know or hear about BM, the less you'll think about her hating you but being ok with your BF.

Second, it's natural to feel jealousy over the skids. It's because you feel like you have to compete with his time, attention, and affection from this other person, regardless of how old they are. Set aside some time for just you and your BF each day, even if it's for only 30min. Time that isn't interrupted, whether you guys sit and talk about the day, or play a game together, or sit on the back porch and enjoy the weather.

As for you feeling like you are being taken for granted where BD8 is concerned, maybe if you got DH involved WITH you while you are taking care of things for BD, like both of you can help with the homework. If that isn't a solution, then I would recommend disengaging a little. Allow DH to take on some of the responsibilities of his daughter on his own. Lets face it, if we had someone come into our home and say they would clean it for free each day, wouldn't we gladly allow them to?

“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

startingover2010's picture

squillion will tell you that your bad for feeling this way.

these feelings are normal. females are very possessive and territorial. its a natural instinct to defend what is ours. since you feel guilty about your feelings, they are of the unconscience type--you cant help those feelings.

im glad your sd accepts you. that is half the battle. the bm, well, bm's are tricky bitches. most of them set out to fail your relationship with their ex. there are some who dont care an live their own lives. your bm is out to get you. long as sd still loves u and your man still appreciates you then you are good.

as far as him not listening much to your other feelings, give it time. he may come around.

dont go over the top. stepparenting is a thankless job. and even if your sd doesnt turn on you at some point, just do what you feel you want to, when u want to. going above and beyond gets you nowhere. you do twice the work for less the appreciation.

good luck

stepmom2one's picture

These feelings are normal, like the other ladies said. However, I think that you should put yourself in a different mindset.

Know that BM doesn't care about whether you and her daughter get along--just that you don't harm her in any way. She won't care if you were there or not (something that I read from numerous BMs on Ivillage).

- are you sure she hates you? She might just not want to out any effort towards a "relationship" with you.

- BM has nothing to do with you. Let her be Skids BM and a non existant to you. As long as skid is taken care of by BM why care about how she feels about you or DH? The farther away she gets from you the better.

-You will never get recognition from BM about the job you are doing since she doesn't care to even admit to herself that you exist. Take the recognition from skid. That is the person that matters, not BM. Know that BD loves you for taking such good care of his child. The two of them are the ones you should worry about.

-Your H is probably like my H. He says thank you but it doesn't seem like he really means it. I bet he feels like she is "your child" too and he doesn't get a pat on the back for caring for skid--why should you? Men, like our Hs, feel woman should do the mom thing--no special thanks. Although, I don't agree.

So let me tell you-- I am sure that you are doing a great job. Take a no response from the others as you doing great. If you weren't you would hear about it....