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I’m back..bedtime advice?

Ashleyg1994's picture

That’s the beauty and pain of dating someone with a kid...New issues every week right? Lol. 


Serioucly though, she’s two. He seems to think bedtime is an optional thing. I almost wish I hadn’t aaif no to taking her during the weekday. At least then I knew she was getting enough sleep and a semi-routine. At BM’s house SD rules the roost. She does what she wants when she wants. At our house, I’ve been emphasizing bedtime, playtime, nap time and everything in beteeen. It’s worked. Until now, my BF is on first shift now so he’s home a lot more and he’s spending more quality time with SD. Which is awesome! But, putting a toddler to bed at 10:30-11 pm? Not so much. 

Its our house so I feel I have some tight to an opinion but, it’s his daughter so am I in the wrong for getting annoyed? I know I shouldn’t have but, I just ended up putting her to bed tn. 

 And a little context, BF always says its up to me what rules to implement and how to take care of SD when he isn’t home. Which I am 100% okay with doing when he asks me to which is everytime he needs/wants me to since we talked. 


Okay rant over, advice please!!


GirlfriendMom's picture

SD(now 9, then 7) used to go to bed at midnight or later every night that wasnt a school night. She would be right beside us, on the couches, in her room, in our room, in our bed.. might as well have been up our butts.. every second of the day until she literally passed out. Don't even get me started on how breaking her of the dreaded cosleeping with daddy thing went or how long it took. Stop it before it gets there, trust me.

I had enough. I found it ridiculous how little boundaries both of them and this type of selfish parenting. I took over and made the routine of which I still do. Kids need a routine and an adult figure to create boundaries/rules. They don't realize it of course but these rules we set in place make their lives much easier, especially for little ones, they are less overwhelmed and are broken of bad habits much quicker. 

In my house when I say its time for bed, it's time for bed. 830 weekdays, 10oclock weekends for my now 9 year old SD. No questions asked. BF will come do his drawn out goodnight at the end but I read to her, brush her hair, tuck her in, turn on her night lights, etc. I am the one who does her nighttime routine and then I'm the last one who says goodnight, she expects it. 

You're not overstepping your boundaries, especially with him giving you the go ahead. She will very much benefit from some healthy nighttime boundaries! Smile

Cbarton12's picture

You're not in the wrong. This was one of the first things I nipped in the bud. SD went to bed whenever the heck she wanted and would sleep in our bed. I was not having it. It was a nightmare at first to implement routine and rules. But children need consistency and will thrive. 

Harry's picture

There own bed by 8 pm.  Little story time, then to sleep by 8:15 to 8:30 pm.  You should have some alone time with your SO. And be adults 

Winterglow's picture

What time is she getting up at if he's putting her to bed at 11 pm? Toddlers typically need 12-14 hours of sleep. Putting her to bed too late reduces her chances of getting that sleep. If she doesn't get enouigh sleep at night she's going to be cranky during the day. For everyone's well-being, she NEEDS a regular bedtime at a decent hour.

Then there's the fact that it's easier to get her into a proper routine now than just before she goes to school. It seems silly to deliberately complicate things "just because".


futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

as a developing child, but you and your bf need some alone time too. A two year old should be in bed waaaay before 11 pm. My bf and I put the girls (4) and (2) in bed at 7 pm, they share a room and usually by 7:30 the 2 year old is asleep, sometimes so is the (4) year old, but usually she is up till 8 in her bed looking at her books or something. Young children need a lot of sleep to help them grow and develop properly. It is good he is looking to you and I would express not only is it in the best interest for the daughter, but your relationship needs time together too.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Routine is important. Plus as they grow it becomes something they feel they can depend on Smile

When they first started going back to Psycho's for visitations. They started calling at night, she never put them to bed. They would literally ask if it was okay for them to go to bed. I asked if anyone had said no then told them to go ahead. They like the routine. It was hard to start, but once started, it really made things a LOT smoother. THey rely on it, it helps everyone be in a better mood, plus on rough days Dh and I can count down to bedtime too. LMAO

Kids need TONS of sleep, if they don't get it, they're stubborn so they won't admit they're tired, but you can tell with how they act. Lack of sleep is harder on EVERYONE.

thinkthrice's picture

And when he IS home?  What happens when SD2 is old enough to complain about you, the eeevvviiiilll  SM for being "too mean"  "too harsh"  "too strict?"  Does BF get to overrule you then?   This is always a huge trap when bioDad and CowBird abdicate parental authority/responsibilty, wanting SM to have 100% responsibility yet 0% authority.

I would run now since both parents don't have the good sense to PARENT their own child.  And you will be blamed for anything that goes wrong.

sunshinex's picture

Honestly, before having my own toddler, I would've said the same thing - put them to bed at a consistent time. 

But my 19-month old son is the world's worst sleeper and there's no forcing him if he doesn't want to. Last night, we rocked, nursed, cuddled, etc. ON REPEAT for 3 HOURS until midnight when he finally fell asleep. Yes, he is still rocked to sleep. He falls asleep very occasionally on his own but most of the time, he just wanders around upset and tired until you help him get to sleep. We have tried everything to get an earlier bedtime/less dependent on us to go to sleep but it's just not happening. Because sleep is developmental. They learn how to sleep at their own pace if they haven't been sleep trained, and we don't believe in sleep training or leaving them to cry it out, so this is our reality. 

If this little girl is capable of falling asleep at a routine time, that's fantastic. But if she's not, you might have to work on it and let her sit with you/read stories/etc. in the meantime. It's so rough. I wouldn't do this for someone else's kid, to be honest, I'd be in my room reading a book while my husband dealt with bedtime if it was an issue. 

thinkthrice's picture

she gets that from my first ex husband's side of the family.  I had no other choice but to let her cry it out at 8 months old because I was a single parent even back then and had to go to work the next day.  If I hadn't I'd still be rocking her to sleep and she's 37 years old now.

bananaseedo's picture

"They learn how to sleep at their own pace if they haven't been sleep trained, and we don't believe in sleep training or leaving them to cry it out, so this is our reality. "

And hence your problem.....sometimes sleep training/CIO is best for the KIDS development....and avoiding 3-4 years of power struggles...but hey ....feel free to go around it the long way Smile

I say that also as someone who didn't do sleep training/CIO at early stages-but after 12-18 months that's when it kicks in so ALL can have a better life. 

I nursed/rocked my babies to bed and they had later bed times until around 1.5 yrs- after that it's training so the family can flourish.

sunshinex's picture

I get what you're saying, and I'm currently sitting here at 11 pm at night while my husband rocks our son because we've been going at it for 2.5 hours now. I don't know if I have the heart to hear him cry himself to sleep, but oh man, it's the first time I've ever considered it because this is insane. 

thinkthrice's picture

let him cry it out.  It works!  The first few days are rough but then in less than a week you'll marvel at how he falls asleep by himself.   I saw a Dr. Phil episode where parents were still "soothing" and rocking their four YEAR old kid and spinning their sleep deprived wheels.

Establish a bedtime routine, then get some ear plugs.  Its nerve wracking at first but he will adjust.  You'll be kicking yourself as to why you didn't do it sooner. 

This is a tried and true method for hundreds of years with tens of thousands of parents.

You're also subconsciously establishing the family heirarchy.  Parents shouldn't revolve around children's schedules.  Simply because the child's needs depend on the parent to be well rested and able to provide.