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Ashleyg1994's picture

wow. Lots of feedback last night, thank you all! 


Someone said it to me, “I’m not going to tell you to leave because you won’t right now”. You’re right, I love him and ultimately it is our life together. But we did sit down and have a really long talk last night on roles and how I was feeling overwhelmed and slightly over-worked and under appreciated. BF isn’t the best with emotions and said he was sorry for not noticing sooner. He said we can definitely scale back on the weekday visits, and I feel like I’ve been made apart of the discussions now not just that they were made without me. BF wants to do better in the future and has agreed to tell BM that I am allowed in decision making process for  schedules going forward. 


I also told BF I may need to step back and I think it’s called “disengage” on here? I just need to be less willing o make EVERYONE happy at my own expense. I know I should be happy too so we’re making progress and I hope this makes things better. Only time will tell. It would be so much easier to walk away, but I don’t do easy and maybe some day I’ll post a blog on my own experiences as a stepchild living with my sm  and dad  and it’ll open more insight as to why I don’t walk away  


Thank you to to everyone who posted. It was insightful and helpful to hear from others my age and those who gave me constructive and useful feedback, it is beyond appreciated!!





TrueNorth77's picture

Sometimes the go-to answer on here when things aren't going perfect (or just to anyone who is dating someone with kids) is to "walk away". Yes, step-life is hard, but I think some things are worth working on, and your situation didn't seem so completely extreme that it could never be fixed. You just needed to realize it's ok to stand up for yourself and not be taken advantage of, and it doesn't mean your relationship is over. Good for you for talking to him!  As long as you can work together on issues as they come up, you have a chance at making step-life work.  

Siemprematahari's picture

I'm glad you had a great talk and he listened openly and going to make changes to make you happy. This is a great step forward and wishing you both many happy years together.

I love dogs's picture

He needs a court order. No wishy washy bullshit with BM anymore. He needs to have a set schedule that works for him to actually spend quality time with his daughter and not be at his ex's mercy.

Ashleyg1994's picture

Ohh I know. I also know it’s not exactly my place to push them to court though. Part of why he’s taking the new job is to have extra money to put away for court expenses. So we are moving in that direction. If for nothing else than to just have a visitation schedule in writing. 

I love dogs's picture

Please encourage this greatly. You're a smart woman for seeing this early on but realizing you can't control any of it. I'm a year older than you but didn't see this until it was too late (8 years in and a 3 month old).

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

It's not you pushing them to court. Just flat out exress YOU need a set schedule. Trust me, it does wonders! I fought tooth and nail initially for that. Psycho was wishy washy as s***. So she'd RARELY get the girls. It drove me batty never knowing when we would or would not have them. And if we made plans when she did take them 9/10 we'd get a call screaming and yelling saying the girls needed to come back NOW because she dropped them with her family and they have plans. It was a mess.  When she moved in with her dad he took care of making sure there was a consistent schedule... BUT that didn't last long because drugs. The girls were stressed.

Honestly the most peaceful year was when Psycho ditched completely. We knew we'd always have them, got his mom to watch them some, still had occasional sightings of Psycho, but it was pretty clear, the girls were better behaved and relaxed, we didn't fight as often, it was nice.

It doesn't matter WHAT the schedule is so much that it's a consistent schedule. it's better for you, better for the marriage, AND better for the kids.

StepUltimate's picture

Glad you found this website. The friends and wisdom from StepTalk have been priceless for me, too.

Best wishes,